Another day, a better step

So a bad day on the fit bit looks like 2500-2800 steps. Do you know how little you have to do to get that few steps? I mean bed, bath, couch, and errand and that’s it. Pathetic.

I can do 7500 steps getting up and going back and forth to work assuming it’s not a day I’m stuck in meetings at my desk area all day. And if I take a short walk I can get in the 10k required. I only did that on Tuesday.

I tried to be a bit more in motion on Sunday and got to 6000 steps.

But this morning I fell right back to mostly no-stepping-Madeline. Didn’t even make 5800 steps today. However, overall it was a better day because I rode my bike with my son for close to 20 mins on our newly paved street. Then we walked about 8 mins down to get my car. I went to the doctor for my EKG (normal, as expected). Then came home and rode my Peleton for 20 mins. Changed all the sheets in on all 4 beds (geez!) and made the boys dinner. Showered and washed hair – an amazing feat considering how gassed I am after that Peleton.

It’s something, right? Laid down in a clean bed with wet hair and took out my favorite vibrator for a while until I fell into tears. Literally chastised myself for thinking of him while pleasuring myself and wiped away the tears and moved on.

Gosh I’m so mad at him. How dare he be just right for me? I was trying to think back to Bobby and thinking I would never find sex as great as we shared – and I recall in the beginning with Bennett it wasn’t as good as Bobby, but then *feelings* and it became great. Probably never as inventive as Bobby, but Bennett’s over cadence of desire is more well-matched to mine. Bobby was a good man and I learned what I deserved and found even better in Bennett. So, it goes to say I will find another to replace Bennet.

But he was so good in so damn many small ways. Those are some of the biggest things to overcome. All those little things that just meshed so well and so easily.

And my crazy turned him off, so maybe, just maybe, the man who can tolerate my crazy is finally going to be the man for me. Or – better yet – the man who creates no reason for my crazy to come out.

I read my letter to his wife and then put it away. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t really want to hurt him – I just want him to hurt for me. Does that make any sense?

So, steps ahead today. Beds clean. I’m clean. I ate very well. I made it to the doctor appt though I neglected my wax appt (well who is looking anyway?).

I appreciate everyone’s comments but don’t have the strength to respond. I’m writing to keep myself accountable. For those that want to know: I already take a low dose anti-anxiety medicine that he doctor raised around January when I was really struggling at work and with Bennett. It works for depression as well as anxiety. I can up my dose again per my doctor if I feel the need, but the next dose makes me foggy. I don’t think I want foggy.

I have told two close friends how I am struggling. I told Bennett. People know. I still feel entirely alone.

Plus – 10 days before the prodigal son goes off to college. Lord help me.

I have to work until the end of this month and if I can swing another month from them I am going to try. I can’t do the surgery until sure when I’m leaving. I’m not sure I want to do the surgery.

I have also considered a gastric sleeve and have seen the doctor for that. I don’t qualify for a regular study because my BMI is too low. I am only considered “obese” and not morbidly obese. I could gain 15 pounds and qualify. Or I can pay for the surgery. It’s a very serious consideration since I have been struggling with my weight my entire life. But any surgery scares the hell out of me.

Part of me wants a hard reset – but we don’t get that in life do we? I swear I wish I could lobotomize myself so I could stop thinking about how much I love Bennett. I constantly repeat all the times he has said he doesn’t want me and I end up feeling even worse about myself – because I created that by sticking around past my expiration date.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

9 thoughts on “Another day, a better step”

  1. Keep posting!!!
    About the foggy side effect…I know we’re all different, but I get the same feeling when I change a dose or try another med…it’s like I have to “think hard” to complete simple tasks…but for me that lasts only a day or two…Have you given it a few days before throwing in the towel? Just sayin’😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey, awesome, you’re actually doing really well this week even though you might not see that. A big step is you said you don’t want to hurt him or her. Trust me, he either is or has been hurting for you. You really don’t need validation of this. You had a wonderful time together and that time has passed. Time to move forward!

    Don’t have weight reduction surgery right now. It’s another huge stress factor. Can you imagine watching every single item you eat and counting every calorie right now? You don’t need that. Maybe in a year when you have your life more in control.

    Keep doing what you’re doing. There will be bad and good days. I still feel counseling could help immensely, and there are always other meds which don’t cause the mental fogginess. I will say be prepared for crazy sad feels when your boy leaves. Keep writing!

    Liked by 1 person

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