Once I had such a busy life that the thought of sitting on the couch, after waking at 10:30am, sipping coffee and reading a book would sound like the most luxurious thing in the world.
Now I can barely focus on the book. I watch the girls outside walk their dog. People come and go on weekend errands. The bees pollinating my garden (way too many bees for my taste). I notice I’m not hungry, which is good. I feel the Fitbit remind me to move, which I won’t.
My mind refuses to stop drifting to Bennett. All the “why’s” I keep going over. I know they don’t matter. I know it’s long over but I am obsessing. My mind can’t find relief from him.
I think about taking a walk but I don’t want to move. It would require putting on a bra and clothes and it’s hot as hell outside.
I picked up the phone to write this. That’s something, right?
I feel my brain sitting inside my skull. It’s a new thing I’ve noticed. It sits there like mush, no neurons firing anymore. It seems to get heavier everyday. I can’t recall the last time I washed my sheets. Was it one week or two? Am I due to change sheets? Stupid things like this seem to elude me lately.
For all the times I didn’t have the time to physically care for myself, I do right now. This month I know I should and can get my act together. But I sit here. Longer and longer until the day passes. I might do a load of laundry. I will read a little more. But hours slip by, entirely wasted. Precious moment I can’t have back once they are gone.
The most I can do is close my eyes and sleep a few more hours away.
I notice no one really worries about me. I’ve come through worse than this (haven’t I?). Bennett did for a while but realized there is no way for him to help me. One or two friends try but they live their own lives. There’s no one to worry about me. Sort of sad. I really am alone. Very alone.