Quiet

Once I had such a busy life that the thought of sitting on the couch, after waking at 10:30am, sipping coffee and reading a book would sound like the most luxurious thing in the world.

Now I can barely focus on the book. I watch the girls outside walk their dog. People come and go on weekend errands. The bees pollinating my garden (way too many bees for my taste). I notice I’m not hungry, which is good. I feel the Fitbit remind me to move, which I won’t.

My mind refuses to stop drifting to Bennett. All the “why’s” I keep going over. I know they don’t matter. I know it’s long over but I am obsessing. My mind can’t find relief from him.

I think about taking a walk but I don’t want to move. It would require putting on a bra and clothes and it’s hot as hell outside.

I picked up the phone to write this. That’s something, right?

I feel my brain sitting inside my skull. It’s a new thing I’ve noticed. It sits there like mush, no neurons firing anymore. It seems to get heavier everyday. I can’t recall the last time I washed my sheets. Was it one week or two? Am I due to change sheets? Stupid things like this seem to elude me lately.

For all the times I didn’t have the time to physically care for myself, I do right now. This month I know I should and can get my act together. But I sit here. Longer and longer until the day passes. I might do a load of laundry. I will read a little more. But hours slip by, entirely wasted. Precious moment I can’t have back once they are gone.

The most I can do is close my eyes and sleep a few more hours away.

I notice no one really worries about me. I’ve come through worse than this (haven’t I?). Bennett did for a while but realized there is no way for him to help me. One or two friends try but they live their own lives. There’s no one to worry about me. Sort of sad. I really am alone. Very alone.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

8 thoughts on “Quiet”

  1. I believe that many care about you M, however you’ve got to show them that you care about yourself. Do one thing for you each and every day, no matter how small. Walk around your house with nothing else in mind but movement. Do some guided meditation for 5 or 10 minutes. Put on something pretty and take your laptop to Starbucks. Change your sheets. Who cares right now whether it’s been one week or two? Get on a mild antidepressant like celexa, Zoloft or Lexapro. These will also help with your obsessive thinking.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The fact that you are writing here is a good sign. People here care, and you want us to hold you accountable. Not every day is going to be a rock star day. The fact that you feel bored or morose or whatever might mean that you aren’t so hyperfocused on Bennett and work. Mental space is clearing. It feels awkward as fuck right now. Be patient. Try to keep up with self-care. Allow some pampering in there. You can just punish yourself. And, yeah. People care. People really fucking care

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok … (beyond) TIME to get out of this. And believe it or not, you have already started. You recognize that you have to do lots, and you are feeling guilty not getting at it. That IS a start. What you need to do is add 1 important thing to your list every day. And do it! This will draw you out of your funk and get you on the path you need. You CAN do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I care – as do the commenters above. We may not be friends IRL but we know the history and what you’re going through. You are depressed. You need a mediator to help make a plan to be more active on a daily basis, take better care of yourself, stop dwelling on the past (and thinking about ways to be in his life) and take an antidepressant.

    You’ve said you went to therapy before and it didn’t help but you need help this time. Ask your gyn for the best recommendation. Who would they see if they needed help? The fact you’re almost immobile is troubling. You have some big factors in your life for major depression right now: break-up (even if it’s not recent, it’s still fresh to you), illness, child leaving the nest, weight gain, loss of job. Please seek help NOW before you feel even worse and literally become paralyzed and unable to leave your house.

    We want to see posts from you! When you don’t post, it’s worrisome, based on your current state of mind.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I always say life is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes you are at the bottom waiting to climb to the precipice again. Other times, you are at the top looking down- ready for the ride of your life. We aren’t meant to be stagnate at one spot for long. Its life. We have ups and downs….the key is, don’t dwell on where you are at. Keep focused on moving forward. Don’t put too much stock in how shitty things are, because life always changes. Things always improve. It just takes time. You just need to hold on to that truth and preserver through the hard times.

    Sending you hugs and love M. I get it…I do. But keep smiling my friend. This too shall pass.

    Liked by 1 person

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