Sunday was good. I charged the Fitbit. I made dinner.
Monday got a bit better. I ate well, logged my food. I even did more steps than I thought I might. Delivered some good news to my boss and had a rare moment of satisfaction and understanding from him. I learned what he needed from me much, much too late in the game. I came home and rode the Peleton for 20 mins and even made a weeknight dinner (hard to do when I’m always home late). I read an actual book before bed instead of watching TV.
The strangest thing happened on the Peleton though, I stood and blood gushed from me. My period is 55 days (about 30 days late) and no warning signs. No cramps. My body is betraying me any way it knows how lately.
Tuesday was good. I ate very well, stayed under calories. Had a lovely dinner and shopping date with my closest friend. Came home early enough to read a little more.
Wednesday started strange. I could feel it in my bones. I get a horrible longing for Bennett. I now know it’s all tied to hormones. They think I need a hysterectomy because this is very similar to the end of Bobby. My body does it own thing when I get depressed – like it has its own guidance signals. And they are way, way off. They make me crazy. And for those who have been around here long enough, my crazy can be crazy.
My day at work was fine. I accomplished some good things. I don’t think I made my steps today but haven’t looked yet. I ate well and stayed within my calories and logged my food. But then I got home and started crying. I washed my hair (seriously folks this is a project for me). And then I Text Bennett.
He doesn’t want me anymore. He’s made his decision and moved on and has done so much self-care in the past 3 months that I’m impressed. I’ve gotten angry one too many times and threatened to tell his wife which he perceives as a threat to his children. He’s told me I’ve beaten him bloody.
I want to tell his wife. I’ve written letter after letter (to myself) and tried to find what I want to say. But then I realize I really must love him because I don’t want to hurt him. But then I switch again and I want him to hurt. I don’t want him being in a perfectly normal life while I crawl out of a hole we created. He has been steadfast in keeping distance and engaging with me in any way. And I crack every time.
I cracked tonight and threatened again. Then apologized and asked him to tell his wife. I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. I do know he will never be with me no matter what and that part is my fault because of my crazy behavior.
They say if I stop having period I will more than likely stop the mood swings. Their fear is I will need a hormone after and I nearly died with the last hormone. Before that I nearly died in 2010 from tubal surgery. My track record isn’t promising. There’s a part of me that wants to have the surgery and just see what happens because then it’s out of my control anyway.
I can only think of losing him and not what I am costing my family. That’s how I know I’m just broken inside. So very broken.
None of my options are great. They can try and IUD, but more worried it won’t work and make things worse. I can raise my dose of anti-anxiety medicine but it wouldn’t cover the normal changes enough. They think the operation is my best bet. Some chances I have.
I sit here and try to think, ok I fucked up with him (I couldn’t actually make it any worse than it was) so I can still try again tomorrow to be better for myself.