Everyday Must Be *Just* One Small Step

I feel as though I’ve hit my bottom. Maybe I have. You never know with me.

Being such a strong woman is killing me right now. My mind is fighting me to give up and give in. Some very dark part of me wants to just disappear. Every day my internal debate is exhausting.

I can do some very small things. I cannot find the will to exercise and eat well. I am still crying often.

I know my job is at an end Aug 30. Bennett has been firmly over since April but I have foolishly reached out to him more than once and lost my pride (not sure I ever had much of that personally to begin with). He has moved on and focused on self care.

The boys have just become too much for me to handle with their teenage entitled attitudes. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep until it all goes away.

I have lost the will to live. And, I do love to live. I have had so many good things. Conversely I have also lived through too many bad things. I’m just over it. I feel like I can’t handle all this bad anymore. I don’t want to.

I know what I have to do to get out of my valley of despair, I just don’t want to.

There is that deep part of my brain reminding me I have to. For no other reason than my children – I have to move past this.

I have chosen to do one very small thing of self care every day.

I can make small steps every day.

Last night I charged my Fitbit and today I put it on. The fact that I won’t make my 10k steps any day soon is a bit daunting and feels like maybe I chose the wrong first step. I’m going to work towards it.

Getting out of bed any day is an effort when you go to a job you know no longer values your contributions. I have been in and out so much lately that I’m sure it’s discouraging my team. I don’t care. They will all have jobs in 30 days and I won’t.

I have to secure our first college loan this month before I lose my job and no longer qualify for loans.

The fear has immobilized me: my boys are off to college and I won’t have a job to support them. Losing Bennett still smarts, I relied on him so much for support. I miss him terribly.

I hate how I feel and I know the only way to get better is to force myself to make small moves every day.

I hate the fact I allowed another person to debilitate me like this AGAIN.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

9 thoughts on “Everyday Must Be *Just* One Small Step”

  1. oh, hun. i’ve been in a very similar place for a long time. giving up is not a good option, no matter how much easier it might appear to make things.

    if i could do it in person, i would give you a big hug and tell you that things will be ok.

    but you’ll have to settle for a cyber hug, so…

    {{{hugs}}}

    and remember, You Are Not Alone 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This “one thing a day” is a great place to start, M. One thing I might suggest is try to be sensitive to when you say “I just can’t do it.” Instead can you say, “Doing this (e.g. parenting) is really supremely hard. It takes everything out of me. It’s especially hard when I don’t feel any gratitude or return. No wonder why I want to give up. I wont give up, but this is a sign that I need to find a different way to go about doing this. “. Especially with parenting: if some of your kids are college-aged, they are old enough not only to help you more, to be more independent, but to hear how burdened you are and to solicit more care and compassion on their end for all you do and all it takes out of you. You can ask them to treat you, even if its just in small or token ways… take you our for coffee, be your chauffeur on some mundane errands, etc. Also, are your boys working summer jobs, and will the college-aged ones be doing work-study or side jobs at school? It’s fair to ask of this, and to begin to set them on a course of having them be responsible for their own discretionary spending, if they aren’t already. There are easy college jobs (like working a few hours a week in food service or in an office) that can help take more pressure off you and encourage them towards more independence.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Great advice, nichtisobel!

      Madeline, honor your feelings, even the ones you think are ugly. Reframe your inner voice even if that takes a baby step path to, i.e. instead of saying, “I can’t do it” say “I’m doing this! Even though it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. This sucks.” My doula used this tactic when I was in childbirth and ready to give up – it was really empowering. I cried, ‘I can’t do this. I’m done!” and she said, “Lauren, you ARE doing it. Look at you!”

      You are going through a tough time. Be kind to yourself. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  3. M, Those above my comment here are far wiser in the female perspective, but as one who has entertained such feelings and self doubt, I would add just one thing:

    If you haven’t yet, find a therapist that you trust. I cannot overstate the value of the help they can give.

    I look forward to reading about you RISING FROM THE ASHES of this dark time. Lets put Phoenix to shame….one wonderful day at a time!!!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. If therapy is out of your budget, look around and see if any local accredited programs in clinical psychology offer clinical services to the public. You would be seen by a student in training, but one who is supervised. This can knock the hourly tab down from the $120-200 an hour down to $25-65. I have three friends, all who have been between jobs, who have turned their lives around starting right here.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. If you need to chat, you know how to reach me. Keep focusing on doing one small thing for yourself. This storm will pass. A new season will begin and your inner strength will carry you through the hard times.

    Like

  5. I cannot and will not like this post. And yet, I completely understand it and am blown away by the courage to be open and vulnerable. You are a very strong woman in a temporary, albeit voraciously painful, moment in your life. Self care my friend. Be selfish in caring for yourself.

    Like

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