I feel as though I’ve hit my bottom. Maybe I have. You never know with me.
Being such a strong woman is killing me right now. My mind is fighting me to give up and give in. Some very dark part of me wants to just disappear. Every day my internal debate is exhausting.
I can do some very small things. I cannot find the will to exercise and eat well. I am still crying often.
I know my job is at an end Aug 30. Bennett has been firmly over since April but I have foolishly reached out to him more than once and lost my pride (not sure I ever had much of that personally to begin with). He has moved on and focused on self care.
The boys have just become too much for me to handle with their teenage entitled attitudes. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep until it all goes away.
I have lost the will to live. And, I do love to live. I have had so many good things. Conversely I have also lived through too many bad things. I’m just over it. I feel like I can’t handle all this bad anymore. I don’t want to.
I know what I have to do to get out of my valley of despair, I just don’t want to.
There is that deep part of my brain reminding me I have to. For no other reason than my children – I have to move past this.
I have chosen to do one very small thing of self care every day.
I can make small steps every day.
Last night I charged my Fitbit and today I put it on. The fact that I won’t make my 10k steps any day soon is a bit daunting and feels like maybe I chose the wrong first step. I’m going to work towards it.
Getting out of bed any day is an effort when you go to a job you know no longer values your contributions. I have been in and out so much lately that I’m sure it’s discouraging my team. I don’t care. They will all have jobs in 30 days and I won’t.
I have to secure our first college loan this month before I lose my job and no longer qualify for loans.
The fear has immobilized me: my boys are off to college and I won’t have a job to support them. Losing Bennett still smarts, I relied on him so much for support. I miss him terribly.
I hate how I feel and I know the only way to get better is to force myself to make small moves every day.
I hate the fact I allowed another person to debilitate me like this AGAIN.