Slow Down and Reflect

A couple weeks back, I had 3 men on the hook that I had “met” before.

As it turned out, and sort of as I expected, I had never met Man #2, Glenn, and he finally realized it.  He was getting stranger and stranger the longer we communicated and I was trying to slow him down.  I was into meeting him but he pushed so hard that I eventually lost interest.  He was calling constantly, always on face time, and texting even more.  I told him on Saturday morning that I felt more comfortable cancelling our plans as I didn’t feel we were in the same space.  He said “fine” deleted me from Tinder and I never heard from him again.

That was fine, I cleaned my garage!

Man #3, Tony, was able to somehow make little butterflies start up in my tummy.  What is it that makes that immediate connection?  We spoke, text and agreed to meet.  I finally met him on Tuesday, midday for coffee, and was attracted instantly.  He was about 5’11”, all gray and had a rugged appeal.  His voice is awesome and he is super interesting.  When we left the coffee shop, I couldn’t get a read on him….I leaned in for a kiss and he gave me a fantastic tight hug and a soft kiss on the lips.

I text Tony later that day to say “thank you” and he replied that he also enjoyed meeting me.

And that was it….until I text him a good morning on Thursday. He replied that he was super busy and would call me later – which he did – but we didn’t connect until Friday at some point. He told me his weekend plans and then I didn’t hear from him again until Sunday night when I text him first again.

I was already beginning to feel frustration at his communication style. But when I spoke to him there was no reason for me to believe anything other than he was busy doing whatever he was doing and he didn’t particularly like text. He text and called on Monday and asked to see me Thursday and communication was quite light other than making definitive plans.

I am struggling with Tony for no really good reason according to my friends. I have a hyper drive communication style that Bennett fulfilled for almost two years and it’s really hard to adjust to so much less from Tony, even before our first date. Or am I just making excuses that Tony isn’t Bennett? I know I am still mourning, but it’s time to move forward.

There is one other man in my queue, Andrew. We made lunch plans for Tuesday this past week – he asked me – and then he never checked in with me to confirm the date. I didn’t hear from him again until yesterday and he apologized that I thought the plans were firm when he thought they were tentative. Hmmmm….I looked back at the text and don’t agree there should have been any confusion. Either way he asked me out again so we shall see.

I am not happy. So little makes me smile these days. I am stressed over work and the impending loss of my role and the fact I have two college tuitions to pay in August. I am scared to death. Everyone says don’t worry because I have landed on my feet before, but I don’t ever recall being so physically scared of my future. There are more days I want to shut it all down than I want to open my eyes. I have never thought I’m better off dead until now. I have no intention of hurting myself – but it doesn’t prevent the feeling of utter and total failure.

It’s hard to keep waking up every day and putting on foot in front of another to be strong. Strong for my. Children, my team, my friends. Strong enough to get through this. I’m just tired. I know all the things I should be doing and I even know how to do them because I have overcome adversity and struggle before. This time I can’t seem to get there.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Slow Down and Reflect”

  1. M, I might have missed something in a previous post. You mention in this post that you are stressed about work but also dealing with the “loss of a role.” Is something changing for you at work? It seems as if this job has had you more miserable than not over the last year, and increasingly so, but I get how terrifying it is to step off the cliff into what seems like nothing. I hope that if your role is changing, it will at least help you get out of the elements of the job that were wearing you down to a nub. Work shouldn’t have to be that painful. Life is too short!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Nich! I will be losing my job due to a reorganization. If I had a better relationship with my direct boss perhaps they would have kept me but that isn’t the case. This role has been killing me because I am entirely unsupported and it’s a tough role under the best of circumstances. I am scared of not having a job for the first time and two kids in college. There are no jobs out there either though I have been looking.


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