Rinse and Repeat

I thought I would get to this post sooner!

There must be some weird cosmic thing happening lately for me – I am seeing “signs” everywhere, but don’t know what to make of them all.

This past week on Tinder, I came across three men whom I have met before.

None of which I remembered.

The first I had previously called The Boxer. Last week I pulled two posts from my old blog to share here. We dated and had sex and I suppose I never heard from him again, or I never cared. I was not ready to be having sex with others when I met him, that much I recall as clear as day. I don’t recall the man at all, but I vividly recall how I felt in the aftermath of having sex post Bobby. It was pretty ugly for a while.

When we matched on Tinder he reminded me we had met before and asked to move to text so I agreed, curious to hear my own story which I had clearly forgotten. He said he wanted to take me out and he would tell me the story over drinks. I found it so strange I just couldn’t place him no matter how hard I tried. Photos, cues, nothing was ringing a bell for me. Then it dawned on me that I had blogged everything during the first two years of my separation…..so I went back and found him (and subsequently shared those posts last week).

He was very chatty and keen to take me out this past week. But, as soon as I told him I did, in fact, remember (which I really didn’t remember him at all, but after reading my post, I recalled the events – that’s really telling me there is no value in meeting this man again – I mean, we had decent sex and I don’t recall what he’s like!).,,,sorry, diverted….once I remembered he literally stopped texting with me immediately. Haven’t heard from him in a week.

Man #2 is another man I met on Tinder who reminded me we had met. We also moved to text because at this point I’m thinking, this has to be impossible that I have blacked out on my sex phase or post-Bobby phase – this can’t be normal? Glenn reminded me where we met and who I was with and none of it sounded familiar, but things about him personally DID sound familiar so I was confused. The long and short of it, he was also keen to take me out this week and we made plans – honestly, more out of curiosity – how is it possible this happens twice in one week? As the week progressed and we spoke I had a strong indication of why I wouldn’t have pursued anything with him the first time around, He was really on a different speed than me and we will most likely frustrate one another. He finally admitted to me this evening he realized it wasn’t me he met (I had already arrived at that conclusion) and he was worried I wasn’t really interested in meeting him. I explained I didn’t think we were a match and why, but I was still open for a drink the next evening since we had made the plans – as long as it was clear there should be no expectations. So…Saturday drinks it is – with the man I never met, but probably did communicate with and eliminated in a past trial.

Man #3 is a lovely surprise. I truly don’t know what it is. Something in the photo at first, then the text, and finally and surely in the voice. *Boom* little butterflies appear. Tony told me I spoke to him 18 months ago when he was finalizing his divorce and told him he wasn’t ready … and call me later! Lol. Sure enough we connected again, although I truly don’t remember ever connecting with him in the first place, we certainly hit it off this time. We spoke on and off all day today. I really hope I hear from him again tomorrow. I don’t know what makes that initial chemistry, but it really has a mind of its own and shows up when its ready.

I am not sure I am ready, I am still weepy and I still want Bennett back every day. I did break and text him last week and we have had intermittent contact. If there was a way for him to help me, he would, but he knows that opening the lines of communication again only hurt me and as soon as we fall into “normal sharing conversation” I begin to feel the sadness well up for how much I miss him. Losing a lover is hard, losing a real friend, even worse.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

2 thoughts on “Rinse and Repeat”

    1. I don’t think the same things keep happening. I am not meeting either of the two men I wasn’t interested in the first time. The third, Tony, I was interested in before but he wasn’t ready. This time we are both in a good place so I am very interested in meeting him.

      I think the point is more that they resurfaced and I made better decisions this time around.


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