I guess I never posted about Bennett losing his job in early February – so this post is well out of sequence but shows how my head and heart started to truly grasp the truth of my dead-end situation with Bennett
I went through it two years ago this May. And it sucks. It’s not anything I would ever wish on anyone.
But I learned something about myself in May 2016. I was way stronger and more resilient that I have myself credit for.
I was reminded of my own strength when Bennett was unable to make the break from his family. As I listened to his “reasons” (I was tempted to call them excuses, but they were not. He had reasons for staying and excuses for not leaving if that makes any sense). I recall listening to him telling me “things were different in his situation” and I remember thinking to myself: he just doesn’t have the courage.
I learned a lot about both Bennett and myself during that time. I learned I loved him more unconditionally than I thought possible. And I learned that he would never leave, not for me, not for anyone or any reason. Some where in there I just learned it was never going to be possible for him and I learned acceptance.
Things have been neither here nor there with Bennett. I’ve been overwhelmed at work and I’m struggling. He’s been worried about work and his daughter and was distracted. We spoke but there has been distance. Not in a bad way. Just distance. Probably good for both of us. He doesn’t do well with stress or pressure. And I’ve learned that he can’t handle it very well, so I don’t create it.
Bennett lost his job early this week. In the moment he called me, I knew in my heart of heart this poor man wasn’t going to cope with what he was about to face.
I’ve been right. I’m fearful he will go off the deep end.
Bennett has had the same job for 26 years. First job out of college. Was married, had a family, both parents died during his tenure there, bought a house etc. His entire life was marked by this one job. He loved many of the roles he held there and actually was a pop culture influencer in the 90s which is super cool. But his last position has been tenuous since I met him 19 months ago.
If I ever had any questions about why Bennett couldn’t leave his family, they have all been answered this week. He is immobilized with fear. Self-loathing. Absolute embarrassment. Humidified. Horrified. Entirely unable to think or function. Complete and utter Despair.
I feel terrible for him. But watching the worst manifest – and I’ve seen all this before as it related to me, I just couldn’t “see” it because I was in it – seeing this puts everything in perspective.
Bennett met me in a period of sincere depression. Maybe even an almost manic period. I became a light at the end of a long dark tunnel he had been in for some time.