Every Little Bit Counts

So I realize my post about missing Bennett the other day sounds like I am consistently wallowing.

I really am not.

But the feelings at the time of the post are accurate. When the wave of longing for him hits – it hits hard and with a force that nearly propels me to reach out.

I have not learned how to control that force. I wish I knew what got me through the weekend without reaching out. But, somehow I did and I felt a bit of pride in doing so.

I admit that the longer it gets, the harder time I have not reaching out.

I met someone on line that I connected with quite easily. We had easy banter and fun conversation, though maybe a little on the dull side. I could talk to him for a while, until I was talking to myself more than not. He was interested, but he wasn’t engaged. But, because we hit it off, I agreed to a date.

At some point just before the date he asked a relatively probing sexual question. I can recall when I gave up those detail easily and without care, now I know that type of conversation just needs to wait. Whatever we were talking about or however I replied, made him begin to anticipate that I was a sexual creature. That’s fine – I am – and that’s part of my allure. But suddenly the man who had little to contribute to conversation was engaged in asking all sorts of questions.

Up went my red flag, though I didn’t realize it until post conversation. At the time, I felt the shift, said quite clearly I didn’t want to engage in any sexual discussion until after we met and connected and left it at that.

I realize now that one of the things I like best when I connect with a man is the mutual sharing of ideas and information. A mutual interest in the others life, no matter how mundane. Dan (so this is my second Dan!) didn’t seem all that inquisitive about my life, other than what I willingly shared, until he began to think about sexy Madeline.

As the evening approached, I began to feel trepidation. And confusion. Was I being silly about how I was interpreting him? Was I being too calculated and precious? I didn’t know but wanted to go to dinner with an open mind.

He chose a lovely restaurant in the city – we had planned on drinks, then dinner should it all work out and we moved easily from one to the other. He had many stories to share, but I found some of his stories hard to follow – I needed to ask a lot of questions for clarification (which, in turn, makes me feel stupid) and I wasn’t exactly sure why he was laughing at times. He is quite brilliant and very educated and I wondered if I was missing a cue along the way? He didn’t seem fussed and answered all my questions and continued on with his stories. Dan is very different from anyone else I have met and I enjoyed the difference at first but then felt more of a chasm in person.

We enjoyed our dinner and wine, but there were several lulls (as there were on the phone I now recalled) and soon it was time to go. He had kissed me a few times during dinner and it was very nice. However, he kept running his hand all the way up my leg which irked me. Hand on the knee, fine, but stop there unless you ask. I had to ask him more than twice to pull his hand down.

We walked outside and leaned against a building to kiss more. When he started to grind against me outside of a Michelin star restaurant I had had enough of this horny dog. I called my Uber. He asked to see me again the following evening and I said I would see.

I left him baffled and untethered and couldn’t determine exactly why – which isn’t like me.

Then I got in the uber and burst out into floods and floods of tears.

I called my friend because I was so worried I would reach out to Bennett. I was soooo close.

While B is normally tough on me, she was very sympathetic to my current state and felt I was finally reaching the reality that Bennett and I were really over for good. That hit home and perhaps that is true.

I cried pretty hard for some time – really feeling the depth of missing him – and the absence of a true connection with Dan. The realization that I was trying too hard to make the connection to Dan work – I felt I needed to make it work for some reason. I knew he liked me and was attracted to me, but I ultimately felt like a piece of cattle. I find it almost crazy that I say that when I love PDA and all kinds of crazy sexual exploits, but only when I am on the same wavelength. Would I have considered his actions as unseemly if I was really into him?

He asked to see me again the next morning and I declined. I felt that he was explicitly looking to come to my home. He then asked for a night next week that I was home without kids and I said that I am rarely alone during a week anymore, it could be available after work. His reply was “we will see what works.” He just sold his apartment and is living with his family while they sell the family apartment. I worried that it was a ploy for a married man, but he was happy to give me his Facebook and last name etc, so I can see he is not lying. He’s just in an intermediary situation that ins’t ideal. Which is fine, but he seemed put off by having another dinner date.

I don’t know if I see him again or not. I just know that too much of missing Bennett is interfering in how I feel. I thought I had moved further past it, but it seems I haven’t. Maybe because I liked Dan “enough” but not enough to push me forward. I don’t know. I suppose I am rambling now…..

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “Every Little Bit Counts”

  1. oh hun, please just admit that you actually are wallowing. It’s OK, we all do it for people we really care about.

    If you ever really loved someone, you always will have feelings for them. If there comes a time when there aren’t feelings, it probably wasn’t real.

    you will be ok. it will just take more time for you to believe it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think part of your sadness is because perhaps you expected better behavior from Dan. If you like him enough for a second date, maybe tell him to take it down a notch.


  3. One idea might be to try not dating at all for say, 4-6 weeks until you feel you’ve got a better handle on your emotions. You might be reaching for something that’s just too much, too soon. It pisses me off royally when guys have the idea they are going to have sex on a first date. And to be so touchy-feely? That just completely grosses me out, truth be told. It would send up all sorts of red flags to me too, like, “here is another jerk just out for a good time for himself not thinking what I might want” regardless of how cultured and educated he comes across in conversation. Even my husband, the man I love, who really is a great guy in most ways – sex is nearly always on his mind. I just don’t understand men I suppose.

    Liked by 2 people

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