I wish I didn’t think of him every single day.
I wish I didn’t miss the friendship.
I wish I didn’t have such an empty longingness deep within.
This isn’t like the fear I experienced with him last year. The fear of losing him forever. This is so very different. I know he would be in my life if I could manage a relationship with him, but we both know I can’t.
I just love him too much. And I see what I want with him so clearly that it causes resentment and anger that I can’t have it. I tried to take what I could from him, what leftover he had to give me….and it didn’t help the deeper pain. I found my own way out at the end.
It just sort of happened. No massive closure. No big goodbye. Just a soft landing of me saying “I can’t do this anymore.”
I don’t have the hysterical crying jags anymore. When the crying comes it’s so much deeper and painful. I let it wash over me a bit and then gather myself together. This seems to be one of those weekends.
Two years ago last August I was as high as a kite. Confident and happy. Now, as this summer comes around the corner, I am anxious, afraid and depressed. I have allowed someone else to be the guide for my well being for my entire life. I have periods where I see myself and grow from it – but somehow I slip right back into the same bad habit in another disguise.
Bennett was too close to my dreams. Too close to every young girl fantasy of what I expected my life to look like. I can’t explain how that relationship ripped me apart from my foundation. I wish I could be angrier. I wish I could feel more. I just feel dead. Really dead.
My work is falling apart despite trying to course correct for months. I don’t enjoy the pressure of being a single mother and the responsibility on my shoulders.
Maybe this is finally the limit of the weight I can carry. Perhaps my resilience has reached its end. I’ve gone through many period of depression but nothing ever quite felt like this. No heartbreak ever felt like this. Maybe it’s because this time it’s my decision and I know all it takes is a phone call or text and he will be back in some form or another. To reach out is tempting. But to what end? No matter how many times and ways I run the script the outcome stays the same.
Everyone tells me I will be alright. I’m the strongest and most resilient person they know. My friends are here if I want them. But I don’t. I don’t want anyone. No one but him.
I’m so tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone. I have felt alone for more years than I can count. To have felt, even it was briefly, that I belonged to someone Gave me such immense joy that the crash is worse than I expected.
I’ve been told for so long that my expectations are unrealistic that I can’t believe I found the one who made them feel possible for the first time in my life.
I have never shirked from change in my life and I know its time for another change for me, but I can’t seem to gather the energy and courage it requires to make this change. I was much tougher at the end with Bobby – I fought everything tooth and nail – questioned everything. I didn’t exit gracefully or quietly. I burned everything down behind me.
I have no desire to find the fight in me. I have no desire to do much more than sleep. I am so tired of so many things.
More days have gone by than I count – I do get through many days without painfully missing him – life takes hold. I’m happy when the days pass without simple passing thoughts of him instead of the torture I feel today. This too shall pass, I know. But its here and I decided to write about it instead of texting him.