Dreary Weather

The weather on the East Coast refuses to turn to Spring. I think it’s bringing everyone down. We’ve had more snow than usual and now a bout of rain. Days when you can see the sun are so lovely but the time we spend outside will be short lived as the humidity crushes us sooner than not. I miss the Spring. I see little blooms of hope everywhere and love the sight of the bright Spring blossoms.

I wish I could say I had little blooms of hope too, but I don’t. Work is crushing my soul. I’m not sure I can manage the politics of my role and often times feel like I’m in over my head with the expectations my boss has. Mostly I don’t see his expectations as realistic and he’s a terrible bully and awful leader. The powers that be have spoken to him multiple times yet his style never changes. HR is useless in corporations. A man like this is kept around while he allowed to speak about how he prefers Asian women and their behaviors and keeps hiring Asian women. I thought this kind of stuff was supposed to be eradicated? So much for breaking glass ceilings.

All the stress causes my anxiety to be nonstop. I had to increase my daily meds and start taking Xanax again regularly. I’ve gained so much weight I don’t fit into my clothes. I wake at 6, commute at 7, return home by 9 at least 3/4 days a week. I’m constantly tapped into work as my CEO is always asking me direct questions.

My kids are typical teens. There’s more aggravation some days than others. I mourn their little boy days but suppose that’s natural as I have two going to college this summer. I feel a bit more useless as a mom because the things they need (cooking mostly) I’m not around to do. I do what I can and have attempted to reconcile myself to that’s just how it is. I am a single mom with a high pressure career. They can cook for themselves and do their own laundry. But I still feel guilty.

Bennett is still around. I see him maybe once or twice a month after work. He lost his job early February so he doesn’t have any true reason to stay out overnight. I think I must have reconciled in my head that it is what it is as long as I stay in it. I speak to him every day and he provides kindness, encouragement and support but if we even have sex once a month it’s a lot. I do love him but no longer have hope for things to be different. He’s adjusted to life without kids at home and fallen into a pleasant routine with his wife. If I had any “hope” buried anywhere within my heart it was all crushed when he lost his job. When I saw what he went through and how he behaved and responded, I knew there was zero chance he would ever leave his family and marriage.

I met a man who doesn’t exist – he was his own dream of what he hopes for and that lasted only so long before his reality set back in. I don’t doubt his love for me for one moment, but he could never be the man he had shown me for that short period. He could never sustain true change or even have he courage to truly step towards change on his own.

I’ve been happy to help support him with take and resumes etc and he’s already had some great connections and a freelance gig. He will always swing by work and bring me pretty flowers when he’s near. The bloom on our flower is mostly gone. I don’t know if I can sustain much longer, loving a man who will never be mine.

I’m sad it couldn’t be Bennett, but I know it never will be.

I learned what I need from Bennett and how good it feels to have it. I learned how to stand for what I want and not worry if it takes me longer to find it.

I’ve been dating on and off (mostly off) for the past 6 months but gave it a good strong push towards late March when I knew I would slow down with work travel.

I met Tim, he claimed 5’11” but was definitely not (makes me crazy) and we hit it off via text pretty quickly. He looked handsome in his photos, had a good job and didn’t live too far from my home. We set a date.

I was disappointed in his height when I met him, but tried not to let it bother me because he was also husky (which I like). He was clearly older than his photos, but still an attractive man. We had a slow start of conversation but then it picked up and we enjoyed several hours of chatter.

We parted pleasantly with a peck on the lips and I knew I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. When he contacted me a couple days later, I was honest. He put the full court press on in compliments and I was as polite as possible until, after a week, I blocked him.

I met two others on line that had potential. Switched to text and then: ghosted. It still sucks when you have a tiny bit of “maybe” in your head.

I have another dating story or two up my sleeve. But otherwise my life has become more routine in the sense that I no longer feel the dating frenzy I once did, and have probably entered a period of depression. I hope writing again will help pull me out of it a bit.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “Dreary Weather”

  1. I am so sorry to read that you are feeling down. Not sure where in there east coast, but here in Maryland it is a beautiful day today. Still a little chilly at night, but warm enough to open the windows during the day and enjoy the breeze.

    there are a lot of people here (followers) who care about you, and just want the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nice to hear from you. Sounds like you need a better job. And someone better than Bennett. Be ok. And frankly/ that you care enough to let your kids know to cook and laundry themselves- you’re the best mom I know. Kids who are useless are… useless.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish we lived closer, so I could leave men’s boxers on your side mirrors just for the hell of it. And to make you laugh!!! We’ve both been through a lot…but we are survivors. You will get through this funk. It may take a while and you may just have to leave this crazy job of yours. But I have faith you will pull through whatever life throws at you. Glad you are writing again. I’ve missed you!!

    Liked by 1 person

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