Sometimes I Just Don’t Want to Do Life

I’m so overworked and overwhelmed.

Work just sucks. My boss is under so much pressure that he bullies his employees. I admit I cracked now under the strain. I can’t even have a meeting with him alone, there is always a consultant in the room. To protect me, no less. And while they do, once he starts on his rampage, he doesn’t stop. He is always angry with me. Somehow I trigger him. The consultants see it and stepped in and it improved for a while but he snapped again this week. He is a high level executive, I don’t know how these things get handled at that level – I just assume I pay the price at some point and it’s freaking me out now.

And that triggers my anxiety into high gear.

Layer that with a phone call from Bennett this week in a panic over his child and the insinuation that our relationship is too much of a burden for him to bear. I got so mad at him for calling me at work in the middle of the day and dumping that on me that we didn’t talk for 3 days. I don’t have the tolerance for him to be confused anymore. I care, it hurts, but I also know he will feel remorse and feel awful for taking it out on me.

I feel like everyone’s punching bag. I’m so tired.

My strike at home has been relatively successful. My kids started doing their own laundry and I notice the garbage has been taken out randomly and the mail brought in. I still haven’t done much food shopping but prepared a few things and they sat and ate with me. When I ask for help, I say “I need help now” and they mostly listen. I think I have to keep the laundry as a full responsibility at their ages now.

My eldest twin is thrilled, he has gotten into 3 of his 4 top choice colleges. One that we didn’t expect but I encouraged him to go for it and he did! I’m super proud, but I worry that this child of mine is the least practical and dedicated of all. He will live college, but will he buckle down? I just don’t know.

The x has finally capitulated and agreed to almost all the college terms. He made the mistake of not replying to the court order and caused himself more damage by making the judge mad at him. No he is forcing us into court and – while I am not happy about paying for the lawyer – I think the idiot is finally scared enough to realize he can’t win. He’s been threatening me for weeks now because he wants to file a change in circumstance: my job changed while his is stagnant. So he wants to sue for alimony. Unfortunately for him, since alimony was never awarded in the first place, he can’t ever go after it. So then he threatened child support, but I have proof that the 70/30 arrangement we agreed upon has now turned into 85/15 – the kids are barely with him. But he likes to beat his chest and say he walked away with nothing. His nothing included less home with his children and no child support as well as a lump sum buy out of the home. As well as all savings split equally. I wouldn’t call it nothing but he does.

I am just overwhelmed. I have no time for myself. I am always nervous. I have never questioned my abilities to deal with stress or pressure to get done what I need to do but I am falling apart at the seams. I can’t find my place of peace.

I was due to leave for another country tonight but my visa didn’t come through. I was so happy. So happy I jinxed myself and it came through today so I still have to travel across the world and back in a week. I’m not thrilled but it is what it is. I don’t mind the travel but this is so compressed and to a difficult country.

I come back for 5 days and head to the next country for 10 days.

I don’t have any time to think about dating. I don’t have any time to help my father which I really need to get some of his life in order at 82 years old. And my son needs to visit schools again and wants me to take him and not his Dad.

My youngest son has developed a rapid heart rate and terrible headaches and when I took him to the doctor this week I found out his Dad had taken him in October and was told the same thing. Of course I was in China. And the child or the dad never told me there was an issue and blood work and subsequent tests required.

I’m failing. Everyone and everything. I’m am entirely unraveled and can’t find the one place to focus, succeed and move forward. I’ve lost my footing and it’s scary. And without Bennett in the right frame of mind, I don’t have my normal voice of reason.

My bag is packed for this trip and I’m mentally ready to go.

I just hope it gives me time to clear my brain.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “Sometimes I Just Don’t Want to Do Life”

  1. My Like is a hug of support. If I can gently suggest the following: 1) kid college visit is a priority. It will get you out of the office and hopefully spending quality time with your son. 2) there are folks you can hire to help out your dad — bookkeeper and financial planner plus senior organization specialists. Throw a little money at that issue so your time witb your dad is quality time. 3) stress-crazed boss – drop copious amounts of Xanax in his coffee.

    Actually the work issues are driving all your stress, so keep standing up for yourself. Smart move having others in the room as both witnesses and to keep him in check. You are in a shark tank there so protect yourself.

    Congrats on the successful strike! Ignore your Ex — he is and always has been a sore loser.

    Hang in there! Safe travels.

    Liked by 1 person

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