It’s a rare thing for me to cry before sleep. Generally it only happens in times of immense sadness.
This time it’s because of immense stress.
For the first time in my life I really feel like a failure.
Work is so tough and I just can’t seem to navigate the depth of the water I’m in. I am falling apart at the seams being overwhelmed by the enormity of the expectations around my role. I am facing blame for failures that are not within my role, but sort of sideways to my role, and somehow expected to enforce these other areas as well as mine. My boss is under so much pressure from the new CEO that this is coming down on me as well. This is an awful game of poker and I don’t know how to play. I don’t know how to manage through this and it’s sinking my confidence.
This is turning to pressure downwards, on my team, also suffering under the weight of expectation. The hours are long and no end is in sight. We are constantly distorted on projects so their day jobs are neglected.
I’m digging in, doing all I can do, to make changes. But, for the first time, I question my ability to do so and that is simply the scariest thing I have ever felt.
I have never lacked confidence in my work abilities. Ever.
It’s a horrible feeling to have that one thing you believe is your best skill to be questioned.
I am learning new skills. One has to adapt when one’s life is threatened, so to speak. I’m struggling, but starting to learn how to fight for my life.
I’m so stressed and anxious over work, and overworked working 10-12 hour day 3-4 days a week plus putting in one weekend day now each weekend, that my life is unraveling as well.
My kids, typical teens they may be, are wearing my last nerve. I have gone on strike. They will now be feeding themselves and doing their own laundry. Since there seems to be no appreciation for what I do for them and no interest in helping me in any way, my friend suggested going on strike. I’m giving it a try. The last straw was when I got home from work at 10:30pm, on a night they were due to be with their Dad for dinner….I knew their Dad forgot around 6:30 when they text me to tell me they were starving. I ordered their dinner and went back to work. I sent two text to remind them to take in the mail and the garbage can. When I got home at 10:30, two kitchen counters were tossed with the nights take out, the garbage can was off it’s hinge and jammed to overflowing, the outside garbage can was still outside, and there was a pile of packages and mail waiting to be brought in. To add insult to injury, one of my sons had a car accident in the driveway causing over $3k worth of damage to the other car. I still haven’t had the damage to his car assessed.
Needless to say, I lost it. I told the boys I was going on strike: no laundry and no cooking. I figured eventually someone would run out of underwear and take care of themselves.
And, while Bennett isn’t causing any noticeable anxiety, when I am feeling down and depressed about the rest of my life, then I realize I am lonely and need someone that’s able to be there for my physically when I need them. Sure he’s available by text, but tonight is one of those nights I can’t stop crying and I wish someone was here to hold me. So I get myself all worked up about being in love with a man I can’t ever have.
Things are “fine” with Bennett. I see him, we speak, he feels good. But when I think about it, the fact of the affair is tough on me. I wanted this man to be mine and he isn’t going to be. I am deathly afraid there will never be another like him. Normally, this is far in the back of my mind because I was able to balance dating for a bit.
But not, nothing, I have zero time for anyone or anything, including myself.
I don’t have a minute to exercise and I feel like crap. I gained weight yet again, my weight is worse than a high speed elevator.
My clothes are too tight and I have to worry about traveling to 6 countries over the course of 7 weeks. All different climates to boot. I have to be in India, France, Italy, China, Hong Kong and Korea between the last week of this month and the first week of March. I want to shoot myself. Guaranteed I will get sick.
I’m back to court with the x over college. My kids are upset with me because they think it’s unfair that I make my x so angry about having to contribute to college. I am trying to explain to them that college is so expensive and requires payments at certain times. We need to understand his contribution and commitments in writing up front. If he doesn’t have the cash to contribute, some of their expenses will be loans for him. I am not here to solve his fiscalresources but I must avoid him making college financing my responsibility. I don’t want to argue about who writes the check for the next 8 years.
So, I sit here in tears tonight. Unable to stem the steady flow of these huge round water drops coming from my eyes. Knowing tomorrow is full on from the moment I wake until the moment I drop.
I keep telling myself “This too shall pass.” I think the worst hasn’t come quite yet, it’s still ahead. I know there is a reckoning to come at work and certainly if I remain this stressed, there will be one with Bennett as well. I know myself well enough to know how my mind works. Maybe the travel will help, maybe it will make it worse.
My best friend, who has never left her home town beyond a vacation to Florida, is coming to Paris with me. I am so excited for her to join me and equally so worried that I will be miserable. She has never been so courageous and booked her trip before I knew it. I can’t let her down, she is the dearest person in the world to me. I just worry that now isn’t the best time.
I know this post was all over the place, sort of like my brain.
Some nights I wish my life wasn’t so hard. I feel like everything is a struggle. I wish I had more time for myself, my family. More time to find a lover. More time to see my friends. I hate being so consumed and so unhappy.
Right now just sucks.