Some Nights are Harder than Others

It’s a rare thing for me to cry before sleep.  Generally it only happens in times of immense sadness.

This time it’s because of immense stress.  

For the first time in my life I really feel like a failure.

Work is so tough and I just can’t seem to navigate the depth of the water I’m in.  I am falling apart at the seams being overwhelmed by the enormity of the expectations around my role.  I am facing blame for failures that are not within my role, but sort of sideways to my role, and somehow expected to enforce these other areas as well as mine.  My boss is under so much pressure from the new CEO that this is coming down on me as well.  This is an awful game of poker and I don’t know how to play.  I don’t know how to manage through this and it’s sinking my confidence.

This is turning to pressure downwards, on my team, also suffering under the weight of expectation.  The hours are long and no end is in sight.  We are constantly distorted on projects so their day jobs are neglected.  

I’m digging in, doing all I can do, to make changes.  But, for the first time, I question my ability to do so and that is simply the scariest thing I have ever felt.  

I have never lacked confidence in my work abilities.  Ever.

It’s a horrible feeling to have that one thing you believe is your best skill to be questioned.

I am learning new skills.  One has to adapt when one’s life is threatened, so to speak.  I’m struggling, but starting to learn how to fight for my life.  

I’m so stressed and anxious over work, and overworked working 10-12 hour day 3-4 days a week plus putting in one weekend day now each weekend, that my life is unraveling as well.

My kids, typical teens they may be, are wearing my last nerve.  I have gone on strike.  They will now be feeding themselves and doing their own laundry. Since there seems to be no appreciation for what I do for them and no interest in helping me in any way, my friend suggested going on strike.  I’m giving it a try.  The last straw was when I got home from work at 10:30pm, on a night they were due to be with their Dad for dinner….I knew their Dad forgot around 6:30 when they text me to tell me they were starving.  I ordered their dinner and went back to work.  I sent two text to remind them to take in the mail and the garbage can.  When I got home at 10:30, two kitchen counters were tossed with the nights take out, the garbage can was off it’s hinge and jammed to overflowing, the outside garbage can was still outside, and there was a pile of packages and mail waiting to be brought in.  To add insult to injury, one of my sons had a car accident in the driveway causing over $3k worth of damage to the other car.  I still haven’t had the damage to his car assessed.

Needless to say, I lost it.  I told the boys I was going on strike: no laundry and no cooking.  I figured eventually someone would run out of underwear and take care of themselves.  

And, while Bennett isn’t causing any noticeable anxiety, when I am feeling down and depressed about the rest of my life, then I realize I am lonely and need someone that’s able to be there for my physically when I need them.  Sure he’s available by text, but tonight is one of those nights I can’t stop crying and I wish someone was here to hold me.  So I get myself all worked up about being in love with a man I can’t ever have.

Things are “fine” with Bennett.  I see him, we speak, he feels good.  But when I think about it, the fact of the affair is tough on me. I wanted this man to be mine and he isn’t going to be.  I am deathly afraid there will never be another like him.  Normally, this is far in the back of my mind because I was able to balance dating for a bit.

But not, nothing,  I have zero time for anyone or anything, including myself. 

I don’t have a minute to exercise and I feel like crap.  I gained weight yet again, my weight is worse than a high speed elevator.

My clothes are too tight and I have to worry about traveling to 6 countries over the course of 7 weeks.  All different climates to boot.  I have to be in India, France, Italy, China, Hong Kong and Korea between the last week of this month and the first week of March.  I want to shoot myself.  Guaranteed I will get sick.

I’m back to court with the x over college.  My kids are upset with me because they think it’s unfair that I make my x so angry about having to contribute to college.  I am trying to explain to them that college is so expensive and requires payments at certain times.  We need to understand his contribution and commitments in writing up front.  If he doesn’t have the cash to contribute, some of their expenses will be loans for him.  I am not here to solve his fiscalresources   but I must avoid him making college financing my responsibility.  I don’t want to argue about who writes the check for the next 8 years. 

So, I sit here in tears tonight.  Unable to stem the steady flow of these huge round water drops coming from my eyes.  Knowing tomorrow is full on from the moment I wake until the moment I drop.  

I keep telling myself “This too shall pass.”  I think the worst hasn’t come quite yet, it’s still ahead.  I know there is a reckoning to come at work and certainly if I remain this stressed, there will be one with Bennett as well.  I know myself well enough to know how my mind works.  Maybe the travel will help, maybe it will make it worse.

My best friend, who has never left her home town beyond a vacation to Florida, is coming to Paris with me.  I am so excited for her to join me and equally so worried that I will be miserable.  She has never been so courageous and booked her trip before I knew it.  I can’t let her down, she is the dearest person in the world to me.  I just worry that now isn’t the best time.  

I know this post was all over the place, sort of like my brain.

Some nights I wish my life wasn’t so hard.  I feel like everything is a struggle.  I wish I had more time for myself, my family.  More time to find a lover.  More time to see my friends.  I hate being so consumed and so unhappy.  

Right now just sucks.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “Some Nights are Harder than Others”

  1. Hang in there! You are doing the impossible in an incredibly tough work environment. As my daughter once told me when she was having impossibly difficult, stressful days, just remember that the day will end.

    Your company is up against the ropes. They have to eat their own in an effort to survive. It’s ugly and unfortunate. You need to remember that the only person who looks out for M is M. Don’t think for a minute that your boss or anyone else is going to stick their neck out for you. It’s too dangerous. Be smart, cover your ass and keep your chin up. I’m so very sorry for the chaos. Hopefully your trip brings some sort of respite by being away from the day-to-day fray. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with your friend about your children. You are not a stay at home mom. It’s a little late, but better late than never. Make sure there’s food in the fridge to cook and detergent to wash clothes and tell them this is the way families help each other out. These are great survival lessons for your kids. I started my two when I went to nursing school many years ago. Though that was two degrees and many years ago, I never worried about them cooking and eating healthy home cooked meals. My husband was there, but about as useless as a bump on a log. The only thing you can do is what you can do especially at work. Otherwise you’re going to make yourself sick, physically or mentally. Make good decisions for you before you are not available to take care of anyone else. Many times the body or the mind checks out and just says “no more.”

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    1. Do your kids get an allowance? If not maybe you could throw them money every week and have actual chores for them. If you gve them money because they expect it, make that part of the strike too. You don’t get paid for nothing, neither should they. I started working outside of the home at 13 and though I am glad your children are afforded better, I did learn nothing is free.

      And also tell them to stay out of you and your ex’s dispute. You can let them know plenty of people pay for their own college and if they have a problem with him paying maybe they can pay it. Ask them if that’s fair.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Easy for me to say, but if things feel harder right now, maybe its because you truly are living your life more independently. You are getting less strokes from men you date, but you are also becoming less reliant on them. You are better able to center on yourself. It may feel hard now, but take a moment to appreciate how you are no longer so vulnerable to whether or not you’ve received enough affirmation from men in your life. It no longer seems to make or break your day (and I say that with GREAT empathy). And, while Bennett’s presence in your life is still an indication that you aren’t having the most fulfilling relationships (again, great empathy here), you don’t seem to be going through a weekly cycle of man-drama with him. You are no longer putting a man’s (a peer’s) needs in front of yours, and you are experimenting with doing the same with your children in the ways in which they can be more self-reliant. As far as your own health, do what you can. A little weight gain is perhaps understandable. Just don’t get sick again. Eat more of the things you love that are healthy is my only suggestion. You’ve got this, M! ❤

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  4. The only way to successfully deal with all this stress, is to bite the elephant one bit at a time. Of course you will be overwhelmed when thinking everything through and all the implications. And what you want and can’t, at the moment, have. So screw all that shit. Get up in the morning, and get through the day. Same thing tomorrow. Stop thinking, and where required, go on autopilot. You know you can do it, and you will emerge at the other end.

    Oh, and good luck! See you on the other side! I’m buying.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. i know it seems overwhelming, but at least you still have your kids.

    my entire family is gone. the woman i liked contacted me after nothing for two years, and on the day before my birthday. we had a great chat and were going to meet for coffee.

    one week later, i was blocked and no idea why.

    so enjoy the kids and your hectic life. i have absolutely nothing, and am just waiting for it all to end.

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