I don’t have much to share. A couple weeks back I had a dating spree and it all turned up for naught. I didn’t get discouraged, just bored. It’s so much work to date!

Not just in vetting and setting up the dates, but all the ridiculousness that comes with the stop-and-start types of communication.

I find it easier to move on from those I quickly consider a waste of my precious time. I’ve gotten much better at that. Even the ones I genuinely like at the start and show promise I have found little patience for their shenanigans.

Dave, the breadcrumber, is gone. Blocked and deleted so I have no ability to contact him again. I made the mistake of reaching out on Bumble when we matched a second time. Foolish me. He wasn’t interested enough to make something happen the first time around, I shouldn’t have opened the door a second time

Greg, the supposed Dom, who was also given a second chance was finally and heartily stricken from the list this weekend. Rather than bore you with dull details, suffice to say, I had one too many reasons to believe he was inflexible and ultimately too socially awkward for me. He was sweet but clearly single for too long. He didn’t have the basic tenets of dating down and I found that frustrating.   I learned that, on some level, I need anyone interested in me to have “some” level of interest in my family. He was very good at making my life sound as the only responsibility I had was to myself. I crossed him off the list on Sunday at yet another failed attempt at meeting and his inability to communicate in a timely or responsible manner.

He came back Tuesday night with a bogus follow up when I realized I had deleted him but not blocked. Course corrected. Blocked. And I didn’t reply to him.

That leaves Bennett.

We will see each other a bit this week after respective Christmas parties. We will exchange a gift. We discussed my gift in case you were wondering. Poor guy. I’ve traumatized him. with gift giving.  We have a chunk of time together between Wednesday and Friday and then the long Christmas break where I don’t expect to see him until after the New Year.

Strangely enough, I am in a better place than I thought I could be. I know I tell myself I will feel a certain way and that often doesn’t come to pass. But I’m ok at the moment. Maybe because I’m dying at work. Maybe because my life is jammed to overflowing. Bennett is a constant and a happy one at that. Maybe it’s enough for now.

Unlike previous years, I made a conscious decision to spend New Year’s Eve at the local family party with my youngest son. I hated going on previous years because I felt like it meant I had nothing better (or no one better) to spend the night with. This year friends asked me out and I declined because I realize I have come to love this group of parents because they embraced me as a single mom with all their hearts. They have all supported me in one way or another. It’s taken me some time but I realize I enjoy being around this “family” every New Year’s Eve for the last 5 years.

I also declined a traditional family party, which I love attending, but on the night before Christmas Eve, It always puts me at a deficit in physical energy or behind the 8-ball with some prep or another. I can see my cousins another time. I need that night at home.

I am not fussed about Bennett’s time with his family. Maybe because I know what to expect and maybe because I have come to accept my circumstances. I don’t know. But I’m ok.

And I realize now is not the time to try to meet people. I’m too busy, even if It weren’t for Bennett, I’m too busy. If work has its way I’m in India for two weeks in January, Paris and Milan in February and China and Korea in March. Does it even make sense to try and date?

I try to date for two reasons: one is that I know I am ready and want relationship.  The extra time I do have, I would love to have a partner.  I would love that partner to be able to travel with me as well – I have amazing opportunities for travel and want to share.  The second is I do long for the connection that I had with Bennett. The every day dependency in a way. Looking. forward to sharing the small stuff. Having someone who is mine and has my back.

I will switch the apps back on in January. But for now, I am ok where I am. My goal is to focus on work, getting my one son off to college and getting my body back to shape. My plate is full.

While the situation isn’t ideal, and I hate to admit I’ve been dating Bennett for 18 months with no real end in sight, the balance is ok for me. Something broke deep inside in that last riff we had, something that won’t be repaired while he is married. Maybe never repaired. But I can’t change that, only he can. I can only keep my head on as straight as possible, keep Trixie away from any hot ideas and keep myself moving forward.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Intermission”

  1. I actually think this is a positive sign — you are keeping your emotions in check, listening to your gut and not putting up with any man’s BS (Bennett excepted). You are doing what makes you comfortable and happy in terms of family obligations. If you can accept what Bennett is willing to give you, then you are growing in your own way. Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 1 person

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