To Date or Not to Date a Dom?

The dating sites can produce a bunch of great matches in a moment, or none at all for days at a time. In the past, the slow times would often lead me to making bad choices just to avoid being alone.

This time of year things also slow down. People spend more time with friends and families and leave less time for starting relationships. I was a little fearful of being alone for the holidays at first, but after living through Bobby And Bennett both being married and not part of my holiday season, I learned I am just fine on my own. Not perfectly happy, I would prefer a partner to dote over and snuggle and cuddle with, but just fine. For the first time since 2013, I’m not worried about what the holidays hold for me. I have my family and friends and it will just as happy (or sad) as any other year.

So while I’ve been making matches and starting conversations, not much has taken flight for one reason or the other. Oddly enough, it feels ok for the first time. I don’t feel a desperate pull to date or have sex. I don’t engage when I’m not interested and I pull back when things go a little wonky.  I can’t say it’s perfect, but it’s better than it used to be.


So, here’s an example of how I’m getting better, or not, depending how you view it.

Out of the blue a week ago I received a text from an unknown number. After establishing who he was and where we had connected, I still needed a photo. Even then, no bells were ringing for me.

He claimed we met on POF over a month ago and that he had a family death and had come off the site for some time. He had been wanting to reach out and finally did.

I didn’t know what to think, honestly.

He gave me his details, he checked out for who he said he was and we started chatting. He quickly called and we spent quite some time on the phone that evening. I had just started to come down with a terrible cold and knew I would be staying in the weekend so it was nice to have someone to chat with. We hit it off quickly.

Greg has a great job, is 6’2″, handsome and articulate. He is also single with no kids. His longest relationship was 2.5 years. That was my first red flag.

It’s hard to eliminate someone based on no marriage and no kids. Shit happens in life. But not to have longstanding relationship? That does worry me.

He claims it was due to his moving so frequently early in his career for promotion. Could be, right? I don’t know, just seems off to me.

Anyway, we decided we should meet the next day if I was feeling better.

But, I didn’t.  I called him to tell him I was still sick and would need to cancel.  He asked again for the next day but I declined knowing I was starting to feel pretty sick.  He understood and we kept in contact.  He would be on vacation the following week for the holiday, but I had to work the early part of the week, and then I had a friend staying with me for several days.  I suggested we would have to wait for a week to meet, until after my friend left.

Not only did he push me a few times saying I wasn’t able to meet because my friend was in town, he then dropped a small bomb on me that he was a Dom.   In the past, this might have excited me, but in this case it started to irritate me.

I explained that I made plans with my friend and I was not about to leave her to meet him for the first time (nicely) and that I wasn’t sure to what extent, if any, I was interested in a D/s relationship.  I said I was open to discussion when we met.

But then he started in with the “rules” and his expectations.  I was truly sick and not interested in playing games and told him so.  For him, perhaps, this was no game, but I was clear that my mind was on my healing and getting through the holiday more than it was on satisfying a Dom that I hadn’t met.  He made a few requests which I quickly said “No” to and, again, made myself clear that there would be no D/s anything until we met and I had an opportunity to better evaluate if this was something I wanted.

At this point, maybe this was last Tuesday, he asked me if there was something he could do for me that would please me.  I said “sure, it would be great to get a Good Morning text each day.”  His answer was something like “extra spankings for the way you worded it.”   I wasn’t in the mood at that point.   Nor did I care much.

I didn’t answer his text or calls for the next two days while I let it sit.

Nor did I get any “Good Morning” text from him.  So much for giving me something that would make me happy.

I finally text him Friday to say I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet, I wasn’t feeling comfortable with the D/s situation and preferred not to pursue.  He said “ok, I understand, thank you.”

Until Sunday, when he text again…..





Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “To Date or Not to Date a Dom?”

    1. I was about to say the same thing as Maggiemay did. As a woman who has been in a D/S relationship in the past, a true Dom knows that trust and submission have to be earned and limits discussed.
      And personally, I too can’t see you in a D/S relationship unless like mine where he adored my strong independent self, yet brought me to my knees so to speak when in the bedroom.


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