I’ve been crying and reading, reading and crying.
Writing a little too.
What if it is all about control for me? What if my x was right about me all along? It’s certainly a comment I have heard my entire life. I’m controlling. I like to be in control. I’m demanding.
Thinking I am less powerful than the. Men in my life, have I sought to control them to ultimately get what I wanted…and then failed in any case because you can’t control another?
Have the men in my life always betrayed me? Can I trust men? Have I allowed these men to be more powerful than me?
Right now I am putting out terrible energy. Desperation and negativity. I would like to take control of myself, at least, but these emotions seems uncontrollable to me.
I allowed myself to trust Bennett. I believed in Bennett and his lies until he no longer believed his own lies. When he loved me I didn’t spend my days in worry, doubt and despair – though there was too much of that and too often. Why can’t I realize there should be NONE of that. Why am I accepting of inconsistency in y relationships?
I allowed myself to be humiliated with begging and pleading when he made his decision. Maybe I thought it was just another “break up” like every other discussion before it. I must have convinced myself this was simply another argument because I didn’t see that final break happen – they all felt the same to me since the first one.