It’s All About Control, Isn’t It?

I’ve been crying and reading, reading and crying.

Writing a little too.

What if it is all about control for me? What if my x was right about me all along? It’s certainly a comment I have heard my entire life. I’m controlling. I like to be in control. I’m demanding.

Thinking I am less powerful than the. Men in my life, have I sought to control them to ultimately get what I wanted…and then failed in any case because you can’t control another?

Have the men in my life always betrayed me? Can I trust men? Have I allowed these men to be more powerful than me?

Right now I am putting out terrible energy. Desperation and negativity. I would like to take control of myself, at least, but these emotions seems uncontrollable to me.

I allowed myself to trust Bennett. I believed in Bennett and his lies until he no longer believed his own lies. When he loved me I didn’t spend my days in worry, doubt and despair – though there was too much of that and too often. Why can’t I realize there should be NONE of that. Why am I accepting of inconsistency in y relationships?

I allowed myself to be humiliated with begging and pleading when he made his decision. Maybe I thought it was just another “break up” like every other discussion before it.  I must have convinced myself this was simply another argument because I didn’t see that final break happen – they all felt the same to me since the first one.

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “It’s All About Control, Isn’t It?”

  1. I think we all struggle for control in our lives which is why financial problems are such a strain in marriage. When you feel little control you try to control more. The less control we have the more control we try to get in an uncontrollable situation.

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  2. We strong women always have a controlling aspect to our personalities, that’s what makes us strong. The key is accepting it and learning to control it. After my divorce, I realized that I was far more controlling than I thought and it surprised little ole me. Now I take a step back and remind myself that I am dealing with adults who have their own intelligence and capabilities and opinions. I may not agree with their decisions, but it’s their choice, not mine. I still struggle with it on occasion, but I continue to try to pause and think first.

    When I think back to why I was controlling there are any number of reasons and I’ll have to write a blog post rather than clog up your comment section. They make sense, but are unnecessary in my life today. To summarize: I think we are controlling because there was a power void in our relationships — shit wasn’t getting done, so we step in to take control of the situation and get the shit done because somebody has got to do it.

    Hugs and love to you. I’m so glad you are writing again. I hope it is helping. You might not feel that it’s helping now, but I think it will in the long run.

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  3. From the perspective of a very emotionally scarred woman, this is my armchair analysis based on what you have written the past few years.

    Your craving for that love connection is so powerful it as if you become someone else under the influence of limerence or love. When those emotions are threatened, or the relationship begins to erode (your marriage) or run its natural course (Bobby, Bennett), your impulse to take control of the situation and try to change or reverse course of an inevitable ending seems to manifest and cause you a great deal of pain. Your mind fears loss of relationship/love more than the humiliation of desperation to maintain the status quo. This is grief you are enduring, and I fully believe it is real and must be processed.

    Perhaps the issue is more the question of why you continue to have such powerful attachments to wrong men, wrong situations, and have to endure the grief over and over again. My hope, always, is that you learn a little more about yourself and gain some insight for all you endure. And I firmly believe writing it out is part of that process.

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