Well, I said I was back to writing since I’m not speaking to anyone about it.
Why is it that all I want to do is talk about it? I haven’t had any need to truly talk about him all summer even though I knew things weren’t so great. I know I am obsessive but I’m driving even myself nuts.
I think I can trace it back to when he ultimately said “his heart was no longer in it” around mid September. I had felt a pretty distinct change in his behavior and he was weary of the double life.
What makes me mad is my own inability to see what was coming before it came.
I try to save unsaveable things. What if I had had better behaviors earlier, would I have saved us both this agony? Same with my marriage and Bobby….I see that I am so impulsive that I don’t have patience to wait through things to really gain an understanding of the path I should take.
In my work I can see ahead and make predictions based on experience. I can see things coming. Generally, I am more cautious at work and known to say “no” too fast, but with very good backup. I also can weigh risk factors around when to go all in and make a sharp change in direction. I still worry, even at work, if I am doing the right thing, but I have facts that back up my decisions. I don’t make emotional decisions. I can’t do this in my life, I don’t have the patience I have at work to see the facts and make a non-emotional decision.
Once my heart is involved I’m sunk.
So, if I were to be more patient and look at facts, would I get better outcomes? (I don’t mean staying with Bennett, but it could be an alternative outcome). If I wasn’t scared and divorced my crappy x sooner? If I didn’t play on Bobby’s feelings for me and ended it when he wanted to and not pulled into his rehabilitation. If I wanted Bennett in my life, should I have let go when he was still firmly in love to see where the path took him?
I wonder if this is about winning. My x used to say I was so competitive that it drove everything I did, including the need to have children. Do I need to “win” Bennett?
My x used to also insist I have an abandonment issue because I was adopted. This is something I explored deeply in therapy and both the therapist and I feel this is inappropriate because of my adoption. I have close ties with my birth father and sister and feel like they are my family. I was adopted on day 1 and loved my parents and upbringing. So we didn’t think it was the adoption. But it could be that my father, while a great provider, really wasn’t/isn’t a good father. He’s not bad, but he wasn’t participant in my upbringing other than discipline or finances. My mother was the hub of our family.
I know this post rambles in many different things as I search my Brain for some balance. I know there are no answers, no closure, sometimes things just happen as they do.
I know I have to walk through this fire I created and I hate it.