Word Vomit

Well, I said I was back to writing since I’m not speaking to anyone about it.

Why is it that all I want to do is talk about it? I haven’t had any need to truly talk about him all summer even though I knew things weren’t so great. I know I am obsessive but I’m driving even myself nuts.

I think I can trace it back to when he ultimately said “his heart was no longer in it” around mid September. I had felt a pretty distinct change in his behavior and he was weary of the double life.

What makes me mad is my own inability to see what was coming before it came.

I try to save unsaveable things. What if I had had better behaviors earlier, would I have saved us both this agony? Same with my marriage and Bobby….I see that I am so impulsive that I don’t have patience to wait through things to really gain an understanding of the path I should take.

In my work I can see ahead and make predictions based on experience. I can see things coming. Generally, I am more cautious at work and known to say “no” too fast, but with very good backup. I also can weigh risk factors around when to go all in and make a sharp change in direction. I still worry, even at work, if I am doing the right thing, but I have facts that back up my decisions. I don’t make emotional decisions. I can’t do this in my life, I don’t have the patience I have at work to see the facts and make a non-emotional decision.

Once my heart is involved I’m sunk.

So, if I were to be more patient and look at facts, would I get better outcomes? (I don’t mean staying with Bennett, but it could be an alternative outcome). If I wasn’t scared and divorced my crappy x sooner? If I didn’t play on Bobby’s feelings for me and ended it when he wanted to and not pulled into his rehabilitation. If I wanted Bennett in my life, should I have let go when he was still firmly in love to see where the path took him?

I wonder if this is about winning. My x used to say I was so competitive that it drove everything I did, including the need to have children. Do I need to “win” Bennett?

My x used to also insist I have an abandonment issue because I was adopted. This is something I explored deeply in therapy and both the therapist and I feel this is inappropriate because of my adoption. I have close ties with my birth father and sister and feel like they are my family. I was adopted on day 1 and loved my parents and upbringing. So we didn’t think it was the adoption. But it could be that my father, while a great provider, really wasn’t/isn’t a good father. He’s not bad, but he wasn’t participant in my upbringing other than discipline or finances. My mother was the hub of our family.

I know this post rambles in many different things as I search my Brain for some balance. I know there are no answers, no closure, sometimes things just happen as they do.

I know I have to walk through this fire I created and I hate it.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Word Vomit”

  1. Taking inventory and evaluation of ourselves and behaviors is excruciating, which is probably why I need/needed professional help to (1) make me do it, and (2) keep me safe (from myself). This type of work is not for the faint of heart nor is it easy, and where some people put roadblocks in their path, I think of my obstacles and distractions as wrecking balls.

    Keep writing, M. I find it easier to dump my emotions in writing and then sort them out when I’m calmer and more capable of coping.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think looking back can be helpful, but I don’t think you should berate yourself and dwell on the past. I think you should take your X’s perspective with a grain of salt — sometimes they sling some low blows. My X would compare me to my mom because he knew that would drive me crazy…. just keep thinking, writing and processing. We are all here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear again of your sadness. I know how heartwrenching the loss of a lover can feel. I am sensitive like you and always longing for that unobtainable love too, I know how it is. Take gentle care of yourself, eat good food and get massages.
    I know its difficult for you to see it, but when I read your writing, I am always struck by how glibly you enter into circumstances which are so inherently problematic. I’m sure that Bennet did love you, and Bobby did love you, but have you ever seriously considered how challenging it would be for these guys to completely drop everything to be with you? It would create all kinds of problems for them, and all for an unknown outcome. They may like being with you and then going home, but they don’t know what its like to come home to you every day, and neither do you really. They would have to create huge havoc and tumult in their lives for something untested and tenuous. I’m just saying this to point out that in your desire for a man to “love you” you are actually asking him to choose you over another woman and tear apart his life. It just seems like way too much to be asking. I know the heart wants what it wants. But don’t let yourself define love in this way. For some reason you are attracted to impossible relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

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