It’s pouring rain here. It’s a good day to be sad, I suppose.
I was diagnosed with Iron Deficient Anemia not long after my blood clot episode late 2015. For a while, I went through the ups and downs of my body depleting the iron and then getting iron infusions to replace it and feeling great on the weeks that followed.
I was getting sick of the cycle so I asked my doctor if we can test more often to do a pre-emptive strike. I can totally tell when I begin to drop iron and would prefer to get the infusion when I start to feel tired instead of when I am drop dead exhausted.
For me the exhaustion also leads to uncontrollable emotional states. Not a good place to be. If I’ve learned anything in my first 50 years it’s that I must be very careful dropping into depressive states because they are dangerous not only to me but those around me. I’ve been too close to being some story you read in the paper about a woman who is “temporarily insane” due to PMS or some such. For those of you without any kind of depression or anxiety issues, this sounds crazy – why can’t these people control themselves? The fact is, when it gets that bad I lose not only control but inhibition. I don’t forget the social rules or mores, I can just ignore them. Just like that. And I’ve also learned I don’t have a lot of guilt – I don’t relate the the wives of the men I’ve had affairs with. I don’t feel empathy or remorse. I’ve been called sociopathic by some of the “scorned wives” early on in my blog, but I’m not. I would need to lack remorse when I’m in control of my emotions as well as when they are out of control. Fortunately, I have a lot of empathy and remorse when my head is screwed on properly.
Oh boy am I struggling right now.
Before I started to travel in September I asked my doctor for an infusion. Things were tough at work, the relationship with Bennett was in full failure stage and I was drained. I can’t quite equate this level of exhaustion to anything in my life except my bout with Mono. I had Mono as an adult around 2006 or so. With the Mono I was so exhausted I couldn’t leave the bed and there weren’t any emotional influences. It was just physically impossible to move and it came on relatively suddenly after a case of pneumonia. This is a slow drain, with no warning the end is coming.
This time however, my blood showed something different. Maybe I have pernicious anemia which can be fatal but easily treatable. The difference is that with the iron deficient anemia I should balance out after menopause but the pernicious anemia would require lifelong treatment. It could be something as simple as a B12 shot to something much more severe. Luckily my subsequent tests showed iron deficiency and no sign of pernicious. Oh lucky me, exhaustion and transfusions to the rescue. Anyway, it’s still better than pernicious anemia so off to the chemo lab I go for my first infusion on Friday. The next happens this coming Friday. I feel like crap at the beginning but about 2 weeks later I feel great again.
All this and my menstrual cycle has started to change (my body was like “Hello, 50!!). I was as regular as a could be with my menses these past several years and now it’s all crazy. Hot flashes come and go, at least they are not regular yet. My libido is decreasing. At least I think so, I’m not sure since I just haven’t wanted sex in a while.
So add in the depression of a break up, the stress of a crazy job, international travel, anemia and peri-menopause and I think we have an equation for a nuclear bomb.
I can’t help but dwell on the fact I ruined my relationship with Bennett. Had I just let go in May when he chose to stay married, I would have walked away from a man in love with me. But I couldn’t. I can’t seem to leave anyone who remotely loves me. I am clearly toxic in some respect that I can’t have a man I love stay in love with me. Maggie is right, I’m still reeling from the 22 years I put into marriage desperately wanting him to love me. Then Bobby, who I don’t blame for falling in love because he ended it when he did, but he factors in my ability to “be enough”. And now, Bennett.
Before I wrote about confusion because he was so clearly in love with me. Now I’m baffled that he’s out of love with me. I don’t even know what happened to go from one extreme to another (rephrase that: I do know what happened, but why do I feel like love should overcome all and he doesn’t?) I’m confused and hurt by all the words he sold me about “forever in love” and “never feeling this way” if that was his truth where do those feelings go? It’s just so utterly heartbreaking to me to have him stop loving me because it’s too hard.
The fact is that he’s smarter than me in the end. I run straight towards adversity and he runs away to safety.
I also realize I come from years of bad marriage and I learned that fighting comes and goes but the person I’m fighting with doesn’t. Bennett comes from no fighting at all. He says I am the only person in his life to have such a knack for upsetting him. No one else has this effect. In my estimation I assumed this was passion. I realize I am wrong. My behaviors from marriage haven’t changed enough to have someone as calm as Bennett in my life.
I’m struggling to do the right thing. Not allow myself to retreat into illness or depression. To stand up for what’s good and right for me. But when you believe, you really believe, you lost the one thing that was what you’ve waited your whole life for…it’s so hard and it’s so sad.
I know I will find someone again. Of course I can date and love again. That’s not the point. I know I have to get through this horrible, awful pain alone. I’m mad that I didn’t do it when I had his love to fall back on. I should have let go with good grace but clearly I don’t have grace or self-worth.
I need to figure out how to be happy with what I have. I have such a good life. I repeat it to myself every night. I have even a better life than many. Yet I still believe the only thing that will ultimately make me complete is a partner. No matter how many times I go over it, how many people I speak to, how many therapists I see – I still believe I need a partner to be complete.
Anyone know hypnosis? Because hitting me over the head with a bat has never worked either.