I Feel Cheated

Every time I think I might be ready to move on from Bennet, I don’t.

I am pretty sure I understand the triggers. Tough days at work. The kids making me nuts. Random every day stuff. I loved sharing these things with him because he really got me. And he gave amazing feedback.

It does make me realize, while I have many friends, I might not have the right ones. My friends who are my age are mostly stay at home moms so they don’t get the job aspect. My friends at work are mostly younger than me so don’t have the same pressures of role responsibility and a mature family or a perspective on divorce.  I have one divorced friend my age in a similarity situation, but for some reason – I think because she is so self-centered – she never really has words of wisdom that resound with me.

It’s been over 3 week now that I have seen or spoken to him.  I’m in agony.  Every 5 minutes my phone is in my hand wanting to write to him.  Painfully, I remind myself why I am NOT going to write to him.  He doesn’t want me.  If he did, I would hear from him.  I know it is as simple as that.  At least, that’s what I believe.

I crushed our relationship by allowing it to continue this summer.  I did it because I kept thinking I could manage to be a part time lover, to continue the affair because I was miserable without him.  I made us both miserable within the relationship though.

I couldn’t be second, I need to be first.  I kept telling myself what I was getting was enough, but my mouth kept going before my brain caught up.  I complained and nagged.  I cried.  My emotional self took hold and surpassed the logic of choosing to be with him.  While I logically know I should not be anyone’s side piece, I had also made a decision to stay in that relationship.  Then trying to morph him back to the actions of the first 9 months just added a weight that was impossible.  He didn’t feel the same because he had made a firm decision to remain married.  His life just wasn’t bad enough to turn upside down and whatever we had wasn’t good enough to make him want to do it.

I can write it all out and I still can’t actually understand.

I feel cheated.  I feel like I finally met “the one” The one who got me, who loved me exactly as I needed to be loved and gave me the world. Then he made me promises I desperately wanted to hear.  And took every one of them away.  I feel so lost and so abandoned.

I know this relationship is as much my mistake as his, but he gets to go back to a life he is reconciled to living while I feel like I’ve lost the one thing I finally found.  I am convinced I won’t ever have it again.  Some things are just once a lifetime, and I believe he was that once a lifetime love and that makes me so angry that he took it away.

I can argue all sides of this equation and, yet, I still end up alone and without him.  There’s no solution but to move on.

I just miss him.

No one in my life ever gave me what he gave me, said to me what he said to me, or made me feel the way he did.

I had been waiting 48 years for him, finally found him, yet he was never free to give himself to me the way he did.

and I’m the one left in agony.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “I Feel Cheated”

  1. I’m meeting a friend this afternoon to talk over an emotion-charged situation that has no solution that she cannot accept, even though like you, it’s black-and-white and her hurt and disappointment primarily based on the decisions of a related party. What I will say to her at lunch I will practice by writing it out to you here: until you can separate yourself from the emotions, you will not have any peace or ability to fully move on and away from it. There is this endless loop of anger, resentment, pain that plays on and on and is a genuine thief of joy. Of course if it were easy to remove the emotion we would be having a very different conversation.

    My point here: you made a mistake. You found the imperfect man who is perfect for you, but he was even more flawed than normal human imperfection because he made promises he could not and would not keep. And my instinct says he was lying to himself before he even repeated his lies to you. While Bennett gave you everything you have ever wanted, in the end it was a mirage, a facade, a temporary manifestation. Because ultimately, he had a marriage to fall back upon and chose that over what he had with you.

    I’m so sorry, M. I always want the best for you and wish you peace in recovering from this dark chapter with Bennett.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I think Janelle’s words are so very wise. I do hope you read them again and again. In some selfish way, I feel like strangling you for trying to hold on to B for so so long when clearly he was not “the one” and was not perfect for you. However, I promised to not be judgey so the strangling will have to pass. In your own mind, you see him as right for you, but that’s just not so, Madeline. If he was “the one” then you two would be cuddled up together right now and he would have left his wife and he would have no qualms about shouting from the rooftops how much in love with you he really is. But he can’t do it because in his heart he is beholden to her and his children and always will be. And so that makes him a liar and a cheater and he did not treat anyone in this horrible equation well, least of all, you, who are still mourning the loss of him.

    Please do yourself the biggest favor of your life and don’t ever reach out to B again. What good will it do anyone? I still recommend a kind and thoughtful counselor, and if you weren’t working so much, something to take your mind off things such as an art class or some such. I was intrigued by your post about short men. My husband is shorter than I am. It’s always bothered me a teeny bit but really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? I’m rather shocked it is such a deal breaker for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Keep writing. You need to get this all out of you — I find that us bloggers process our situation much better when we write it all down and then ponder it. The writing process allows much pondering as we grope for the right words to capture our thoughts and feelings, then the editing allows for more reflection and finally re-reading the posts in the dwys, weeks and months allow yet more contemplation as time creates much-needed distance.

    You are still healing from your marriage and your upbringing — I know I still am also. Writing will help more than you can imagine. It allows you a record to share with your therapist if you want and it helps you to understand and remember better.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I have very little to add to this than what you have already been told. Losing the one hurts. I have reconciled myself to give up the idealization of the one. We have many. He was the one at that time in your life and you needed him, he needed you. Even if you were just there to show him he does still love and respect his wife and show him what he needs from her through you. It’s not fair. He showed you how you want and deserve to be treated. And I know as we women age (not so much of a problem for men) it’s harder for us to find people. You will never have another relationship like the one you had with Bennet and that’s OK. You still know things because of him you want and deserve in a relationship. I do also want to point out now that he is gone you are idealization of him is not the reality. There were problems other than his marriage (though that was deditthe deal breaker) he was bad at gifts, he had some bad views on things. He wasn’t perfect. Maybe you can find someone even better you just first need to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

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