Every time I think I might be ready to move on from Bennet, I don’t.
I am pretty sure I understand the triggers. Tough days at work. The kids making me nuts. Random every day stuff. I loved sharing these things with him because he really got me. And he gave amazing feedback.
It does make me realize, while I have many friends, I might not have the right ones. My friends who are my age are mostly stay at home moms so they don’t get the job aspect. My friends at work are mostly younger than me so don’t have the same pressures of role responsibility and a mature family or a perspective on divorce. I have one divorced friend my age in a similarity situation, but for some reason – I think because she is so self-centered – she never really has words of wisdom that resound with me.
It’s been over 3 week now that I have seen or spoken to him. I’m in agony. Every 5 minutes my phone is in my hand wanting to write to him. Painfully, I remind myself why I am NOT going to write to him. He doesn’t want me. If he did, I would hear from him. I know it is as simple as that. At least, that’s what I believe.
I crushed our relationship by allowing it to continue this summer. I did it because I kept thinking I could manage to be a part time lover, to continue the affair because I was miserable without him. I made us both miserable within the relationship though.
I couldn’t be second, I need to be first. I kept telling myself what I was getting was enough, but my mouth kept going before my brain caught up. I complained and nagged. I cried. My emotional self took hold and surpassed the logic of choosing to be with him. While I logically know I should not be anyone’s side piece, I had also made a decision to stay in that relationship. Then trying to morph him back to the actions of the first 9 months just added a weight that was impossible. He didn’t feel the same because he had made a firm decision to remain married. His life just wasn’t bad enough to turn upside down and whatever we had wasn’t good enough to make him want to do it.
I can write it all out and I still can’t actually understand.
I feel cheated. I feel like I finally met “the one” The one who got me, who loved me exactly as I needed to be loved and gave me the world. Then he made me promises I desperately wanted to hear. And took every one of them away. I feel so lost and so abandoned.
I know this relationship is as much my mistake as his, but he gets to go back to a life he is reconciled to living while I feel like I’ve lost the one thing I finally found. I am convinced I won’t ever have it again. Some things are just once a lifetime, and I believe he was that once a lifetime love and that makes me so angry that he took it away.
I can argue all sides of this equation and, yet, I still end up alone and without him. There’s no solution but to move on.
I just miss him.
No one in my life ever gave me what he gave me, said to me what he said to me, or made me feel the way he did.
I had been waiting 48 years for him, finally found him, yet he was never free to give himself to me the way he did.
and I’m the one left in agony.