Perhaps yesterdays post unleashed my inner communicator again…I don’t know…I do know it felt good to write out what’s been going on.
If you were sitting across a table from me, you wouldn’t know I’m depressed or grieving. This isn’t like the depression caused by Bobby and my concurrent illness in December 2015.
This is worse because it feels something like a lurking snake, slithering around, ready to bite quickly and take me down. And, I’m not sharing it with anyone because I know what anyone/everyone will say to me. It’s my own fault, this much I know. I should have let go when it was time to let go for good in May. I crushed his soul and mine with the hope things could change.
I’ve also struggled with motherhood for some time now. I do question how good of a mom I can be when I am so disengaged from these teen boys of mine. I loved being a kid mom, but this teen thing really isn’t for me. The guilt that creates also forces me to shut down in a way.
These two things together create such apathy and disinterest in two large areas of my life that I largely just don’t care about anything else. Strangely, underneath it all I have a very distinct sense of responsibility. I was raised to take care of things, land on my two feet, stand on my own. I was encouraged to take action and be a leader. While I am currently struggling with this in my personal life, I don’t struggle at all in my professional life.
Is it so wrong to want someone to help me? To care for just me? To be by my side? I have said it before, and while many women disagree, I stand behind my own words … I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to do it alone, I operate better within a couple than without. No matter how I slice it – I was happier with Bennett in my life than I am without him. My problem is around the fact that I am not the type of person to come second…I could never figure that really “affair” balance out.
Urgh. Anyway, I find a way to put one foot in front of the other every day and I do appreciate those of you who commented (without platitude!) yesterday.