Follow Up

Perhaps yesterdays post unleashed my inner communicator again…I don’t know…I do know it felt good to write out what’s been going on.

If you were sitting across a table from me, you wouldn’t know I’m depressed or grieving.  This isn’t like the depression caused by Bobby and my concurrent illness in December 2015.

This is worse because it feels something like a lurking snake, slithering around, ready to bite quickly and take me down.  And, I’m not sharing it with anyone because I know what anyone/everyone will say to me.  It’s my own fault, this much I know.  I should have let go when it was time to let go for good in May.  I crushed his soul and mine with the hope things could change.

I’ve also struggled with motherhood for some time now.  I do question how good of a mom I can be when I am so disengaged from these teen boys of mine.  I loved being a kid mom, but this teen thing really isn’t for me.  The guilt that creates also forces me to shut down in a way.

These two things together create such apathy and disinterest in two large areas of my life that I largely just don’t care about anything else.  Strangely, underneath it all I have a very distinct sense of responsibility.  I was raised to take care of things, land on my two feet, stand on my own.  I was encouraged to take action and be a leader.  While I am currently struggling with this in my personal life, I don’t struggle at all in my professional life.

Is it so wrong to want someone to help me?  To care for just me? To be by my side?  I have said it before, and while many women disagree, I stand behind my own words … I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to do it alone, I operate better within a couple than without.  No matter how I slice it – I was happier with Bennett in my life than I am without him.  My problem is around the fact that I am not the type of person to come second…I could never figure that really “affair” balance out.

Urgh.  Anyway, I find a way to put one foot in front of the other every day and I do appreciate those of you who commented (without platitude!) yesterday.





Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “Follow Up”

  1. Keep in mind that sometimes it’s not you that is disengaging from your teens, it’s them. And it’s a part of them becoming more independent. I know that when my now 19-year-old daughter was still at home, I had the same feelings you experience at times. Now we are closer than ever now that she’s a young adult and mother on her own.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope that nobody would say the depression is your fault – while sure, you may have made mistakes and done things that exacerbated your misery, you being depressed is a condition. It’s not something you choose. Are you seeing anyone right now to help you through it?

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  3. I’ve been (perhaps selfishly) thinking about you, Madeline. I’m glad you are “ok.” Keep on putting your feet in front of each other. You know, all of us in our own stupid, silly ways are sinners and make mistakes. It’s not for any of us to judge another person. All we can do is offer words of advice or maybe healing from our own crazy lives to someone in pain.

    I know writing has always soothed me throughout my life, but there’ve been times I took long breaks from it. Perhaps I was punishing myself. Who knows. What I do know is you have a gift with words and writing could be a form of therapy.

    I too always worried whether I was doing the parent thing properly, especially during and after the time of my most egregious sins. My daughter, who’s now 20, seems to be working it out. I have hope. I hope you find it, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You can only let go when you are ready Madeline. It’s easier to tell someone what they should do than do what you should do. As for kids when I get severely depressed the guilt I feel is ridiculous because I am not the best I can be. Teens are funny though, they are so caught up with them that they don’t notice. You are right to keep the young one close. Shutting down doesn’t mean you truly don’t care, it’s protecting yourself. Teenagers are particularly abrasive and that doesn’t help.

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  5. I’m so glad you’re back. After reading your last two posts, I can really relate to all of this and I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through so much. These types of situations take time to fully heal from, and like you, I often wonder if I will get there myself. Hope you’ll keep writing. I don’t feel so alone with my own issues when I read what you’ve been through. Take care M and be blessed. xo

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