I had a hard time with a title, sort of shows how long it’s been since I’ve written.
I still think in blog posts…and wish there was some way, other than taking the time to write, to capture all my ridiculous thoughts and activities over the past few months.
I’m in a sort of limbo. It’s a weird sort of place, actually. I feel a bit like an out of body experience every day. I’m watching Madeline go about her business but can no longer connect to her core. I’m floating in space. I’m untethered and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s all too familiar but still, unfamiliar. Depression takes many forms, I know. I feel like I’m watching a movie of my life go by in slow motion but can’t quite capture its essence.
I can tell you the stories, I can still appear loving and funny and witty. I still seem to be engaged and effective at work and mothering. I’m just disconnected. Totally and wholly disconnected. I hear a constant hum around me and my eyesight is dull, like a fog cover during a rainstorm.
I’ve experienced many things in the last 3 months: I’ve been to 6 countries, hand-picked by my new CEO to travel with, received the most fabulous gift of my life, watched a man die and be resuscitated, celebrated my 50th birthday with my sister, met a very old friend in another country and lost (whom I considered to be) the love of my life. I even dated on and off, but have no heart for it.
I wanted to write. Tell the stories. Hear your thoughts. But I couldn’t I still can’t. It’s like I’m not here. I can’t even explain it. I could lie in bed all day and stare at a wall and not feel ineffective.
I’m functioning above my capacity at work and somehow love it except for the fact it is literally sucking life from me. I have had that drive in other parts of my life before, many times, but it’s gone now. I work more than I do anything else. I am entirely consumed by my job and ensuring success. There’s no room for much else.
I’m functioning as a mother. Barely. I’m here. They get fed, clothed and housed. We talk sometimes. We do a little college prep. I’m sick of this age. Other people claim to love their kids so much it breaks their hearts when they leave for school. I need a god damn break from all this entitlement. I hate when the youngest gets sucked into my apathy though. I try to make sure I stay connected to him as best I can.
I finally deleted and blocked Bennett. I literally hung on until I could feel he wasn’t in love with me anymore. There was something, even without sex, there was something that kept him tied to me. But I was no longer getting anything I wanted from that relationship and had to cut my heart out. I believed in him so deeply. And he hurt me more than any other person ever could. He made it so I’m dead inside. I have no feelings at all. Perhaps that’s what happened inside my marriage, I went dead until many years passed, then I got angry and found myself again. I had a long time to sort that shit out. 20 years. Once he decided he would remain in his marriage he also decided that he couldn’t be in relationship with me. He claims he never meant to hurt me but he did one hell of a number on me. It’s been about 3 weeks now…the longest break yet. I deleted every way I could to contact him. I walk through every possible scenario over and over and always arrive at the same outcome. He doesn’t love me anymore. Ann once said I can’t just let things go, I have to burn them down. It’s true. I burned us to the ground with hope. It killed everything.
And that’s where I am. Neither here nor there. Not very conscious. I suppose this is called faking it til you make it. I can engage my brains all day every day at work and sleep. It’s all I can manage right now.
The rest of me is dead inside. Or at least hibernating. And this might be the first time in my life that I’m scared I can never recover the joy. So, perhaps that’s why I don’t write or even tell anyone what I feel. It will simply create a platform for platitudes. I don’t want or need them because it means I need to engage and I can’t.