I had a hard time with a title, sort of shows how long it’s been since I’ve written.

I still think in blog posts…and wish there was some way, other than taking the time to write, to capture all my ridiculous thoughts and activities over the past few months.

I’m in a sort of limbo. It’s a weird sort of place, actually. I feel a bit like an out of body experience every day. I’m watching Madeline go about her business but can no longer connect to her core. I’m floating in space. I’m untethered and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s all too familiar but still, unfamiliar. Depression takes many forms, I know. I feel like I’m watching a movie of my life go by in slow motion but can’t quite capture its essence.

I can tell you the stories, I can still appear loving and funny and witty. I still seem to be engaged and effective at work and mothering. I’m just disconnected. Totally and wholly disconnected. I hear a constant hum around me and my eyesight is dull, like a fog cover during a rainstorm.

I’ve experienced many things in the last 3 months: I’ve been to 6 countries, hand-picked by my new CEO to travel with, received the most fabulous gift of my life, watched a man die and be resuscitated, celebrated my 50th birthday with my sister, met a very old friend in another country and lost (whom I considered to be) the love of my life. I even dated on and off, but have no heart for it.

I wanted to write. Tell the stories. Hear your thoughts. But I couldn’t I still can’t. It’s like I’m not here. I can’t even explain it. I could lie in bed all day and stare at a wall and not feel ineffective.

I’m functioning above my capacity at work and somehow love it except for the fact it is literally sucking life from me. I have had that drive in other parts of my life before, many times, but it’s gone now. I work more than I do anything else. I am entirely consumed by my job and ensuring success. There’s no room for much else.

I’m functioning as a mother. Barely. I’m here. They get fed, clothed and housed. We talk sometimes. We do a little college prep. I’m sick of this age. Other people claim to love their kids so much it breaks their hearts when they leave for school. I need a god damn break from all this entitlement. I hate when the youngest gets sucked into my apathy though. I try to make sure I stay connected to him as best I can.

I finally deleted and blocked Bennett. I literally hung on until I could feel he wasn’t in love with me anymore. There was something, even without sex, there was something that kept him tied to me. But I was no longer getting anything I wanted from that relationship and had to cut my heart out. I believed in him so deeply. And he hurt me more than any other person ever could. He made it so I’m dead inside. I have no feelings at all. Perhaps that’s what happened inside my marriage, I went dead until many years passed, then I got angry and found myself again. I had a long time to sort that shit out. 20 years. Once he decided he would remain in his marriage he also decided that he couldn’t be in relationship with me. He claims he never meant to hurt me but he did one hell of a number on me. It’s been about 3 weeks now…the longest break yet. I deleted every way I could to contact him. I walk through every possible scenario over and over and always arrive at the same outcome. He doesn’t love me anymore. Ann once said I can’t just let things go, I have to burn them down. It’s true. I burned us to the ground with hope. It killed everything.

And that’s where I am. Neither here nor there. Not very conscious. I suppose this is called faking it til you make it. I can engage my brains all day every day at work and sleep. It’s all I can manage right now.

The rest of me is dead inside. Or at least hibernating. And this might be the first time in my life that I’m scared I can never recover the joy. So, perhaps that’s why I don’t write or even tell anyone what I feel. It will simply create a platform for platitudes. I don’t want or need them because it means I need to engage and I can’t.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

12 thoughts on “”

  1. No platitudes, but I know from experience that sometimes random words of support from strangers can still help, even if it’s only a tiny drop in an endless lost sea.

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard and sometimes putting one foot in front of another is enough. Sending healing thoughts across the ether.

    Ferns

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with Ferns. I too am so sorry you are struggling. I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you will start writing, but I understand it’s tough for many reasons right now. Here’s my final thoughts – you aren’t alone, you have gone through so very much in the past 12-18 months (serious health crisis, lost love w/Cowboy & now Bennett, job layoff, finalising divorce, new job) that I think it’s perfectly normal for your heart & soul to say “ENOUGH” and demand some respite. Please just be kind and patient with
    yourself. Sending you many hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel like I am at a very different point of view, different heartbreak. But the intensity of my work drive, and the apathy towards the rest of life is almost mirror image perfect. You express it far better than I.

    Bennett did not deserve you. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. I am sorry you have played that part. I wish for more for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for finding the energy to write this. Whenever I look through my reader I always hope to see an update from you.
    I’m so sorry you are going through this..I do hope you find your spark again one day but take time getting there and take care of you…youve been through so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Glad you are starting to write again and are on a path of healing. Your strength is coming through too in cutting him out of your life. he doesn’t deserve you. I hope that isn’t a platitude. HUGS!!

    Like

  6. I think you termed it correctly … you are in hibernation. Not to worry because hibernation in it’s own way is therapeutic. As Maggie listed, you have been through so much in the past 2 years. When it’s time, you will reemerge into an new golden Spring.

    Liked by 1 person

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