Trixie Gets Hysterical

I have done something very bad, and if I were hearing this story from me I wouldn’t believe it either.

I admit, last week I had reached an emotional breaking point regarding Bennett.  I hadn’t spoken to him in a while and the last we spoke, we argued over nothing….or better put, I argued with him over nothing and got myself very wound up.

Much too wound up.  Enough to make myself sick for days.

I had been battling a stomach bug, but getting entirely panicked and anxious only exacerbated my symptoms.  By Wednesday night I was vomiting anything that I put in my body.  If I wasn’t vomiting, I had diarrhea.  Sometimes, I had both at once.  It was not pretty.

I made the mistake of letting my misery take control.  I called Bennett in the middle of the night.

On a landline, at his lake home, while he was with his brother.

There was some logic here, as irrational as it may have been.  I figured he was staying the night, I know there is no cell service, and his brother knows all about me.  I thought he would be mildly upset.

I was way, way wrong.

Not only was his brother with him, but so was his niece and nephew.  The problem with this was that by the time I called him, I was full on hysterical and there was no calming me down.  I should have taken two ambien and knocked myself into sleep, it would have been the right decision.   But I didn’t make a good decision. I was sobbing like a maniac.  I had no pride and no self-control.

The conversation turned ugly.  Every time he tried to calm me down I felt like I was being chastised.  Or, I felt like he was more worried about getting me off the phone because his niece and nephew would wonder wtf was going on in the middle of the night.  Nothing helped and I could only continue to sob.  Until he told me to “calm down and shut the fuck up.”

That did stop me in my tracks.  I have never, ever heard him with any tone of voice directed at me.  I had clearly pushed him beyond his ability to control himself.

I hung up the phone and instantly regretted it.  We got off the phone around 12:30, by 12:42 I called the number over and over thinking he would have to answer.  I tried his face time.  I pressed the buttons on my phone in a frenzy.

Until I pressed the wrong one.

Months ago, Bennett and I were having a conversation about his wife getting phone calls and text from numbers he didn’t know.  We spent some time digging on line to discover who the calls were from.   During that time, I said “let me check your wife’e number.”  He  gave it to me and I saved it.  (Point to note: Bennett claims this never happened and I somehow got his wife’s number another way).

I saved her number because I clearly had ill intent….what other reason could there be.  There is none, it must be why I saved it.  I saved it under his number and not a separate entry.  His name houses 6 different phone numbers.  Hers was the last one and it simply said “other.”  In m y hysteria, as I was pressing his number over and over, I must have pressed hers.  I didn’t realize I pressed it because the name on the phone contact is his.

When the phone was answered, it was pitch dark (on my end too) and I thought it was him so I said “oh can you talk now?”  When a woman’s voice replied that I had the wrong number, I replied “No, I most certainly do not have the wrong number (I could see his name on my phone screen – I know I didn’t dial the wrong number!) and then I said “please put your Uncle on!”  I think she said, “you have the wrong number because my Uncle isn’t here with me” and hung up on me.

Thinking it was his niece with his phone and now being mad on top of hysterical, I dialed back.  This time I think she asked me who I was looking for and I believe I said “Bennett” and she said “he’s not here”  (things start to get fuzzy now because I  believe I started to realize I was speaking to his wife and not his niece).  I replied “yes, he is, he is in xxxx, city!” and when she asked who I was I replied “his girlfriend.”  At which point she said something like this is his wife and hung up.

I passed out on my back deck from disbelief and exhaustion.  Sometime later I woke up and made it into my house and into bed.

At 7:30 am a phone call from “No Called ID” came through.  I suppose I knew in the back of my mind that it was her, and not him, but I convinced myself it was him calling from the lake house.    As soon as I said hello she hung up.

I received a text from him some minutes later “M – you called Callie?”

There were a few more calls that day from unidentified numbers, which I didn’t answer.  He asked me not to speak to her should she call.  I separated out her phone number and blocked it.  Some other numbers came through and I gave them to him and it turns out she asked her children to also call the number, believing it was a foolish prank, and I blocked them as well.  My voice mail is a generic greeting.

He had a long drive home from the lake house and spoke to me for a couple hours.  He was strangely calm and seemed much more worried about how upset I was.

I was sick through Thursday and and Friday, still vomiting, but I think more from the virus than the anxiety at this point.

Saturday I left to the city to spend with a good friend and Bennett and I only had generic text Saturday and Sunday.

He told me Sunday night he was in a very bad way and worried about losing his job in the morning.  When he said he was horribly distraught, I assumed he meant his job, but it wasn’t.  He had started to believe I was intentionally malicious and was getting himself sick over the situation he had placed himself and his family in.

I spoke to him Monday morning after he spoke to his boss, to find out there would be lay-offs, but his role was not at risk.  He called me soon after and the conversation started out with blame, and believing I had been intentional in the phone call.  I understand why he wouldn’t believe me.  If it was me hearing this story, I don’t think I would believe me.

And then,  seemingly out of nowhere, he utterly broke down.  I listened.  I have never heard a man break down like this, it was horrible.  I didn’t know what to do except to listen.  Now I think I understand what he was experiencing with me when I was sobbing to him on Wednesday.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I think between the stress of our break-up, my phone call and his worry over his job he just had a nervous break.  He told me he had been sobbing like this all weekend.  He is a wreck.

I know at one point when I was mad that I told him I wish he hurt like I hurt – then he would finally understand me.  I know now, beyond a shadow of doubt, that he does hurt like I do, maybe worse because he is potentially harming his family.  I’m sorry I uttered those words aloud.

I’m sorry I don’t have the patience to control myself and my mouth when I have something on my mind.  I haven’t fully grasped how to control my emotional outbursts.  I haven’t learned that once said things cannot be unsaid and you need to roll things around on your tongue and taste them before spitting them out.  I haven’t learned.

And I am so disappointed in myself.

I am disappointed that I broke the man I love.  If I really loved him, would I have pushed him to this point?  What kind of person am I?

Why did I save her number all that time ago?  To cause intentional harm?

If I really loved him, why would I allow us both to stay in this horrible situation?

I am so upset with myself for allowing all of this to happen.  Mostly for hurting him.  I never want to hear that pain in his voice again.

When he was crying, all he could really say was that he never wanted to hurt me, that he let all of it get out of hand and go on too long, and that he was so very, very wrong for doing what he’s been doing to a woman who, despite being a poor partner and wife, doesn’t deserve what he’s done to her.  He was ashamed that she may find out this way that he has been cheating on her.  As I just typed this I realize that was the emotion coming across to me: shame.  He was horrified at the man he had become and just realized who he really was, and not who he pretended to be.

It was horrid to listen to his realization.

As I write this last line I know things are over for good, he needs to be away from me to repair what he can, as best he can.  He deserves that from me.

And I have to find the ability to control myself so I don’t end up harming myself again and end up in the hospital.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

20 thoughts on “Trixie Gets Hysterical”

  1. Well you finally got him to hurt like you. It was awful to tell his wife that you are his girlfriend. She has done nothing to either of you to hurt her like this. It sounds like you are the “if I can’t have you, nobody is going to be happy with you.” Madeline, I am so sorry that you carried it this far. It’s unfortunate that you could not take the fact that it was over between you.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Oh.Dear.Lord. You screwed the pooch on this one. OK, I’m relieved that you are now feeling the shame of your crazy episode. And yes, you were crazy. Crazy, selfish and thoughtless which has ended up hurting other people. That’s the really bad news.

    But I see some rays of hope: you were brave enough to write this post. That’s courageous because very few people would do so. Thank you for trusting us to see your full-blown crazy. Next, now in the light of day you are ashamed of your actions — another ray of hope. Also good because you understand that you did wrong & hurt people.

    My only advice: get thee to a therapist and spend some serious time unpacking the cause behind your crazy. I have to be very brutally honest here, but until you get your shit together, I don’t think you should be dating anybody (married or not). Spend some time & $$ on therapy and a whole lotta sex toys because I think celibacy may be needed until your head clears.

    Hugs to you.

    Liked by 9 people

    1. Screw this. The first part. He is responsible for his marriage. He shouldn’t had done what he had done of he didn’t want it to get out. While he has someone to be sad with, to be with at night she’s been alone. She was sick and hit a wrong number and angry by the time she realized who she was talking to it was kinda too late to go back. I feel bad for his wife. I feel no sympathy for him. All of this was in his hands.

      I’m worried about you. This isn’t healthy. I don’t think you should force yourself to date. Sate you. Continue your therapy. Find out what attracts you to unavailable men. You aren’t responsible for his pain as much as your own and a little hers. He sought you out, and wine and dined you and worked hard to keep you knowing he was unavailable. Delete his numbers. Block his email. Change your number if need be. If he really needs to see you, he knows where you live. If he is any kind of decent human being he will leave you alone or leave his wife.

      Liked by 5 people

  3. Oh my. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well, M, and I hope the virus has passed from your system. I have to say I agree with Oceanswater and MaggieMay, particularly on your courage to describe what has happened.

    “As I write this last line I know things are over for good, he needs to be away from me to repair what he can, as best he can. He deserves that from me.”

    Do you mean that, M? Do you mean that he needs to be away from you and deserves to completely break away from you? If so, start eliminating any and all methods you have for communicating with him. Block and delete his telephone numbers, all of them. Do the same with email addresses or other methods of communication. If you should talk to him again, ask him to block your numbers on his phone as well.

    I know you’re hurting, but the wild lack of self-control when your crazy gets off the leash – you need to take some steps to limit the opportunities to wreak havoc and destruction upon others. What it does to you is bad enough, but to Bennett and now his wife and by extension his family to satisfy your need for whatever comfort or solace you were seeking is horrifying and not what caring, rational M would ever want. Please think about the damage this single incident has caused. After Bobby, there is a pattern to the crazy behavior that really needs to be addressed.

    Take care of yourself, M. I want you to be healthy and to be happy, but this incident – you’re not in a good place or on what anyone would consider a healthy journey.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Oh, M. Ok, perhaps you did a lot of wrong here. Other people are sure to tell you that. Let us not forget the Bennett was having his cake and eating it, too. He got to have you for so long, and then told you you had to make yourself scarce so you wouldn’t destabilize his life. He didn’t deserve to get hurt like this, but he also put himself at risk for this. You didn’t have to go nuclear like this, but you also had gotten the short end of the stick. All of this is to say is that Bennett put himself at risk the entire time, destabilized the foundation of his own status quo by letting you in. You acted out in tremendous proportion by doing this, but is it your job to protect his marriage? No, it is only his job. His wife? Yeah, she’s blameless, but other than feeling huge remorse for hurting her and getting her involved, know that her pain is maybe only 20% your fault, 80% his. It’s his job to help her heal, not yours.

    Perhaps you have both reached a place of understanding how untenable this relationship is, and other than the pain it causes his family, maybe this is what needed to happen.

    You need to take extra good care of yourself. Whatever your next step is, it has to put your physical and mental health first. As mad at yourself as you are, as messed up a person you might believe yourself to be, The only way that you will ultimately heal and change is if you first start by truly loving yourself. I can imagine how hard this must be at this moment, but it’s actually the most important thing you have to do for yourself right now. Love yourself. Love yourself hard. Seek out those people who love you unconditionally, no matter how hard you screw up. Not to say that they condone you’re crazy, but that they see through it, and see how intrinsically lovable you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. M, keep us posted either on the blog or in the comments how you are navigating this. On one hand, this could be the thing that gets you to change how you are approaching life. On the other hand, you could have another round of two of destruction/self-destruction in you. Please keep us posted so we know its the former. We love you and we are rooting for you to really stop at this point and take supreme good care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is how life unfolds. Not in gradual evolution. In giant leaps where we either change and grow or wither. You recently posted some introspection on falling in love with men who are not what is good for you. (Recent may be loose because I have been away) … You need to follow that thread a bit. You seem like a person who has character. You deserve someone with character. Allowing this interchange to develop is holding yourself away from your best self. Its self sabotage. Damaged involved men are always going to think you are the wildest funnest partner- but you’re not the forever companion and they will similarly self sabotage because they have – and should have- shame about not dealing with their home fires first. It always baffles me that the shame comes after the discovery. Is that real shame or fear of consequence.

    I wish you well and this sounds so stressful.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ll try not to pile on here. Even you acknowledge this must end. Wipe the slate. Do as I suggested a few days ago, and get back on your exercise program. The pain of something aerobic will keep your mind away from the things you need to release. Both your mind and your body need the healing from physical exercise. And therapy is a very good idea. Don’t let the meltdown go any further, or continue.

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s