I certainly wrote at a breaking point yesterday. I left work a bit early (well, 6pm seems to be early these days) after hiding my crying for most of the day….cried the entire way home…then cried myself into a fitful sleep by 9pm.
I woke with an anxious tummy and a migraine and needed to stay home from work.
I debated with myself to call Bennett. I walked through every possible combination of conversation I could think of but they all kept coming back to the same thing. No matter what I say or do, he will say he loves me, and equally say he is not ready to leave his marriage. I literally tried to convince myself of multiple outcomes and possibilities and analyze any potential weakness I think I might have glimpsed, but there were none. His decision is made and this now sounds like no more than begging. Besides that, my crazy is starting to show and it’s really not something I want people to be acutely aware of (even when it is funny).
It must be bad when I can’t even convince myself there is a reason to speak to him.
All I wanted to do was call him, the desperation was like a bitter taste in my mouth that couldn’t rid myself of. I kept trying to swallow it and I couldn’t. I reached for the phone….and it rang in my hand.
Fortunately, it was my closest friend who also works with me. Generally speaking she is quite tough on me (even tougher than Ann can be if you can believe it!) but I know they both doit because they care about me and want me to make out of the fugue state I am so good at keeping myself in.
Boo gave me an amazing pep talk. She walked me through the anxiety, which isn’t fully related to him but also the massive amount of stress I am experiencing at work (and some divorce related issues for another post). She lived through the agonizing end of Bobby in person and was sincere when she said she never wants to see any human, especially her friend, go through such pain ever again. She just talked to me. Called me out on all the craziness that I am in a relationship. Called me on the desperation and the anxious attachment. Called me on my lack of pride. She is the toughest friend I know, but she was so gentle with me, which reminds me why I love her so (because that toughness is an exterior). She walked me through my recent success and the admiration and respect people hold for me in my current role. And reminded how hard I worked to get to where I am – why would I ever allow a man to have such control over me?
Why do I?
That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? Why do I take so much pride in my ability to be a good leader and a good mother and lose that pride in relationship?
Boo decided we should call the delusional part of me that hangs on past expiration dates “Trixie.” Trixie seems to be a separate entity that can derail me from logical choices and maintains the illusion there is still hope to be had. Trixie doesn’t exist in my professional life, or with my children. She only appears in serious relationships.
It’s silly, I know. But the conversation pulled me back into reality, the migraine meds started to work and I was no longer feeling such sincere desperation to reach out to him right now.
Right after we hung up the phone, I checked my in box on POF. There was a nice message from an electrician (ha! see I do speak to blue collar men under 6′!) who asked me about the story of changing jobs last summer…..which brought back a flood of memories for how grateful I felt last year. Sure, Bennett was a large part of the reason I felt so good last summer, but it was the icing on an already amazing cake. I was divorced May 12, lost my job May 13 and spent a lovely summer with my children. Then I found the job of my dreams and was working by end September. I had a summer full of fun, travel, sex and friends and found true love (maybe even a soul mate or twin flame). It was an amazing time in my life.
The feeling of gratitude swelled up in my throat instead of the bitter taste of desperation and I remembered to be thankful.
I want to know why we, all too often, forget about those great things and worry about the present trials and tribulations – my brain need to be wired to remember those things first so I can stop giving Bennett attention and energy he doesn’t deserve.
As Boo said – he is not worth me affecting my physical or emotional health of my career. I must get him out of my head and allowing him to control me.
Lucky for me the universe helped me by inserting a friends phone call in place of a desperate call to Bennet and then reminded me what’s truly important in this life and where I should be focused.
One more step in the right direction.