It’s finally dawning on me that it’s really and truly over with Bennett. I think you all know me well enough to know how I hold on to things (especially things not good for me) for well past their expiration date.
I can hear it in his voice when I’ve spoken to him. There used to be this quiet desperation when he was apart from me – it’s no longer there. I think once he made the decision to remain married, he also realized he could say goodbye to me. Ferns was right, he couldn’t look his wife in the eye and destroy her life (or his) when it all came down to it. As much as I would like to understand this, I just don’t.
I know I can’t quite understand it because it’s not how I would do things and I thought he was so much like me. I have said he was my mirror, but now I’ve learned he can’t be, if he is able to walk away from me. I know I have an anxious attachment to people and he demonstrated that. I know I get desperate in a relationship to maintain that relationship and he showed me that too. Finding someone so much like me seemed to be unusual. Almost improbable. Then, there he was: a boy version of M. It’s no wonder we clicked so quickly on an emotional level and built that over the past year.
I realize, in my head, I somehow believed that he still believed we could be together. That he just needed the time to get his kids off to college. I would argue with myself that I could: a/ wait through this period, or b/ see how I feel about him if he were ever to come back. My mistake in both of these thoughts is having hope. Hope that he believed in us the same way I believed in us.
He must not.
I know Ann has said to me many times that Bennett must believe in the lies he was telling. I know he believed right up until he told his wife on April 30th, I am sure of it. My mistake is believing his lies, perhaps even more than he did. Gosh, I invested heavily. Knowing he is such a good match for me is an awful thing to have to let go of. I am not worried I can’t find love again, but to find the whole package is probably a slim-to-zip chance. I knew all along there was heartbreak in this relationship but allowed myself to believe, really believe in him. I wish I could be angry, really hurt and angry, but I am not getting there.
My stress at work is a bit overwhelming and I feel like I am hanging on by a thread, so having all this emotional disability isn’t helping. I took a break today to write so I could remover it from my head and focus. But now I am sitting here a crying mess. I do understand that I am not addressing this loss the way I should be….I keep pushing it down….I keep feeling hope. The fact that I know I could go back to him at any time for whatever he can give me is harder than I thought. It’s probably easier just to hear someone say “no more, I don’t want you” than it is to hear “I love you but I won’t change my situation.”
I know every day is one foot in front of the other, but today it seems impossible.