Realizing It’s Truly Over

It’s finally dawning on me that it’s really and truly over with Bennett.  I think you all know me well enough to know how I hold on to things (especially things not good for me) for well past their expiration date.

I can hear it in his voice when I’ve spoken to him.  There used to be this quiet desperation when he was apart from me – it’s no longer there.  I think once he made the decision to remain married, he also realized he could say goodbye to me.  Ferns was right, he couldn’t look his wife in the eye and destroy her life (or his) when it all came down to it.  As much as I would like to understand this, I just don’t.

I know I can’t quite understand it because it’s not how I would do things and I thought he was so much like me.  I have said he was my mirror, but now I’ve learned he can’t be, if he is able to walk away from me.  I know I have an anxious attachment to people and he demonstrated that.  I know I get desperate in a relationship to maintain that relationship and he showed me that too.  Finding someone so much like me seemed to be unusual.  Almost improbable.  Then, there he was: a boy version of M.  It’s no wonder we clicked so quickly on an emotional level and built that over the past year.

I realize, in my head, I somehow believed that he still believed we could be together.  That he just needed the time to get his kids off to college.  I would argue with myself that I could: a/ wait through this period, or b/ see how I feel about him if he were ever to come back.  My mistake in both of these thoughts is having hope.  Hope that he believed in us the same way I believed in us.

He must not.

I know Ann has said to me many times that Bennett must believe in the lies he was telling.  I know he believed right up until he told his wife on April 30th, I am sure of it.  My mistake is believing his lies, perhaps even more than he did.  Gosh, I invested heavily.  Knowing he is such a good match for me is an awful thing to have to let go of.  I am not worried I can’t find love again, but to find the whole package is probably a slim-to-zip chance.  I knew all along there was heartbreak in this relationship but allowed myself to believe, really believe in him.    I wish I could be angry, really hurt and angry, but I am not getting there.

My stress at work is a bit overwhelming and I feel like I am hanging on by a thread, so having all this emotional disability isn’t helping.  I took a break today to write so I could remover it from my head and focus.  But now I am sitting here a crying mess.  I do understand that I am not addressing this loss the way I should be….I keep pushing it down….I keep feeling hope.  The fact that I know I could go back to him at any time for whatever he can give me is harder than I thought.  It’s probably easier just to hear someone say “no more, I don’t want you” than it is to hear “I love you but I won’t change my situation.”

I know every day is one foot in front of the other, but today it seems impossible.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

15 thoughts on “Realizing It’s Truly Over”

  1. Hi Madeline,
    Break-ups are the absolute worst. Especially when it felt like there was a real and true connection. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
    I remember the worst break-up/heartache in my entire life was when I broke up with my best friend (at the time) because he was moving abroad to teach ESL and I didn’t want him to feel tied down. Then all of a sudden he flipped it and made it feel like he had broken up with me. I was devastated for years and hung on to hope that someday we would get back together… At one point we were even emailing more consistently and that hope was beginning to burn within me and then he just disappeared into thin air. This was now 4 years ago since he disappeared. I actually started this blog when I was heartbroken from that and needed a creative outlet.
    And I just want you to know that every year it hurts a little less. And someday when you do find love (which you absolutely will) you will be glad that you decided to move forward with your life. I think it is good for you to take some time and grieve the loss. Holding it in doesn’t work, but if you take a little time to feel your emotions then it will past and you will be able to move forward.
    I’m sorry if I am totally rambling here.
    I just want you to know that you are Beautiful and Strong and he set you free. You NEVER EVER have to settle for being someone’s 2nd best because you deserve the VERY BEST and nothing less.

    ❤ Alana

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry to read you are being stressed out in so many ways, M. I worry about your health. Getting back to n exercise routine that is consistent and challenging should be a priority

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I concur with Marty, M. If you keep making yourself miserable, your body could well decide to end the game for you by failing on you, if its the only way to force you to change, but you know how huge that gamble is. You had no choice but to put your body and your needs first 18 months ago with Bobby when you had the near-death experience. Don’t let that happen again, please. We love you too much!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I am angry for you. The emotionally immature person hs this to say (sometines these childish things are right) don’t give into him. Don’t be his side chick. You don’t get to have the love you want and deserve, he doesn’t deserve to get everything. Maybe I’m angry enough for you. I had hoped he wasn’t doing this to you or to her. He told himself they were just friends so he could have his cake and eat it too, and still would given the chance. He is selfish. If he were the kind of man you need, he would leave her, or show you by telling you to back off, he is trying this for real with his wife, which means, letting you go, no matter how painful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You madam laugh when I needed it – and I agree sometimes the childish thoughts are necessary!

      I wish he was working on a relationship with his wife – he’s not – he’s just staying married.

      Like

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