Broken Heart 

I realize my depression spiral is most likely related to Bennett. Everyone handles life circumstances differently. It seems the only two things that have ever pulled me deeply into depression are death and heartbreak.  I clearly do not know how to manage myself when it comes to romantic relationship.

Letting go of something not meant for me seems to be my ultimate struggle.  I am almost fully decisive in most areas of my life, except for this.

The pain of losing Bennett is different from the pain of losing Bobby.  It’s much deeper and more serious.   It worries me more.  I know I can’t allow myself to let go of my thin tether to reality this time and I think it’s what’s taking me longer to let go of him at all. The truth is, I still believe he is a perfect partner for me. I believe we would have an insanely blessed life together in every respect.  I need to get myself to firmly believe it’s never going to happen.

I think about the possibility of staying with him while I get on with the rest of my life.  I know that would be nice for a while before I end up mad and upset that I’m not his priority.   I don’t think he’s comfortable living two lives now that he has fully acknowledged there’s a real problem at home.   The times I speak to him, he sounds more confused than before.  Since he made the decision to stay married, I can feel how hard it is to hold back with me. Ultimately that makes me uncomfortable because it’s not how he acted the year prior. Even if all the things he said to me were wrong, it’s how the relationship was built and how I understood him. With those things missing, it no longer has the security it once did.

We have been talking and I have started seeing him again.  I know if I choose to stay here, I basically have to shut my mouth and not complain.  I don’t think I can do that – so why am I torturing myself?  I can sense when I do challenger him (with time mostly) that he pulls back and gets tense since he knows there is nothing he will do to change the situation.

My only answer is that the pain of being without him is worse than him not being in my life romantically.  I do realize that is lame, but I seem to be unable to extricate myself from this situation.

When I said I didn’t feel safe here anymore it’s because it’s the ONLY place I was safely able to lay out my crazy thoughts without backlash.  I know I am doing the wrong thing, yet I am not stopping.  Everyone is tough love on me, which is lovely in and of itself, but not when I’m confused and need help clearing out the muck. Is the only way ahead to simply shut every thought and feeling about Bennett out of my head and heart?  If it is, I am not yet able to do so.   I have gotten to the place where I am crying more than anything else. My temper is short. I’m distracted. And sad. Terribly sad. What is so wrong with me that, since post-marriage, I have chosen men who have been entirely unavailable to me?

I don’t have time for therapy. I don’t have time for exercise. My priority is my job and kids for the year ahead. I am working hard to establish my foundation in my new role. For me that means full dedication at the expense of other things.  I am, at least, starting to monitor my weight and making some progress in that area.

I spend my free time doing as much as I am able to take my mind off of him, yet I am obsessed over not losing him entirely.  Maybe I don’t know how to lose?

Whatever it is, I know it’s not healthy for me and my patterns are not changing enough.  I don’t know how people stay in affairs for years, but if that’s what I am setting myself up for – how do I even manage that?  How do those people not argue and simply accept the circumstances for what they are?   I always seem to need more and more and more.

Maybe I just need a lobotomy.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

12 thoughts on “Broken Heart ”

  1. My heart breaks for you! Our writing drips with the pain you feel. I can offer nothing more than support and wishes for your healing. What ever you choose, there are challenges ahead, but the current state of being unable to choose seems to hold the greatest pain of all. I sincerely believe you are a wonderful person, deserving of happiness. I wish I could help you get there!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. OMG Madeline….I just want to throttle you (and I mean that in the nicest way possible ;). You want what you want when you want it and what you really want is to be wanted and probably more importantly and completely lost in that sea of unwanted want is….you want someone to choose you, exactly as you are and for exactly who you are, which is impossible because we’re all just swimming around in this existence assigning people identities based on our own unmet needs….and you are never going to get anything even closely resembling what you want until you stop relying on people who are already saddled with lives and loves and wives they have chosen during previous iterations of their own lives that they now find themselves incapable of detaching from immediately and permanently. For the love of yourself and your own sanity, mourn and bury whatever it is that is causing that huge gaping hole you keep trying to fill with romance and attempting to be the other someone else chose, so you can meet someone and actually carve a life into the loneliness. It’s that simple and that complicated and that difficult. I remain skeptical…but hopeful.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I for one am happy with the affair just the way it is. J has asked me to marry him and he has figured it all out, $ and everything. But I have no desire to be his wife. He seems to be more serious about this in year 5 than any other time.
    I was looking for a part time lover when I met him and have not changed my mind. Of course all of his children are grown. Well, you wanted to know how people stay in affairs for years … they fill a void for each other that is not being met elsewhere.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I can feel the emotional pain in your words. This is such a difficult situation, but you are only human after all. For now you are reacting to what you feel you need from Bennett in order to survive. Your heart can’t seem to hold together without him, and he probably needs you just as much. Goodbyes are never easy, so taking it slow may be the only way. Or perhaps the two of you just remain friends for life. Just follow your heart in whatever you decide. Only you know what’s best for you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A friend of mine warned me about continuing with Tony, that at some point there would be too much resentment and disillusionment it would kill my feelings for him. When I thought there was still a small percentage chance that things could work out between us someday, I knew I didn’t want to get to that place because it would kill it forever.
    I think you intellectually know that what you are doing is going to ultimately extend your pain. Perhaps you need to get to full destruction of anything remaining between you, because you won’t do it on your own. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ditto Nbrat. The times my heart was so broken I thought I’d die from suffocation, I found my way through somehow… but in retrospect I think I had no choice, because he wasn’t going to change his mind and I couldn’t get him to listen to me. It’s very different for you, the fact that he is conflicted and also willing to continue contact with you makes it all the more difficult. I don’t have any criticism or advice here… just support and a virtual hug as you work through it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Most people don’t have time for therapy or exercise, but if they get to a point where they internalize that these resources are necessary for improving their lives, they make the time. Yet, you not only have time for Bennett, I would imagine that to actually get that time with him, you have to make yourself available and accept that he will ultimately call the shots, so you end up killing lots of your precious time to just have that shot at him. I am trying to be helpful here, but in the case of exercise & therapy, you have to want it and have to be proactive, whereas to get soothed by Bennett, you can be in a more passive state, you give him control, you don’t have to take charge. I know all to well that mental place where I am not ready to quit doing something that I see is making me miserable. What may have to happen in your case is for your body to break down on you (have another near-death experience) or for you to have a clinical mental breakdown before you are ready to be proactive about self-care.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I didn’t let go (I was the married one) it was so painful… I loved him, he let me go, he didn’t love me the same, but you know, I wasn’t willing to leave. Now I am with David, I did leave. I felt something with him I never felt before. I did love guy 1, but I wasn’t ready. And this was different. I wish I could explain it. For him to be happy, you have to let him go. Be honest, that it’s the last thing you want (the pain of no explanation killed me) but you have to do it, for both of you. I’m not judging. Not at all. But you are breaking your own heart holding on to threads. You don’t want threads and that’s all you will ever have. I gave David all of me, but Cas, I still wanted marriage to work.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s hard. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer that could help propel you forward but I’ve been there and know there is little that can be said other than the offer of a hug. I’m sorry you’re going through this ☹

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m not saying that all of what this article says would apply to you and Bennet, (but maybe it will/does) but this quote from it resonates with your situation… “The process of getting over someone isn’t easy and there is always going to be a piece of you that loves them but it turns into a love that doesn’t consume you over time.”




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