Whose Shoulder Do You Cry On?

For those of you who don’t suffer from depression or anxiety, I know it’s hard to understand what the downward spiral feels like.  How, no matter what you do, you get sucked into a vortex that feels like lead weights pulling you under water.  Try as you may, there is no escaping it because it has such a firm grasp on you.

Its something like addiction….you can’t stop no matter how badly you tell yourself you want to.  The quicksand of despair calls.

I’ve lived with anxiety and depression for about 10 years or so now.  I know it started after my 3rd child was born and around the time my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  I think it must have been around 2007 give or take.  The first incident started with Mono earlier in that year, then I recuperated but never really lost the overall feeling of lethargy.  I am almost always in a constant cycle of being tired.

The only two times that I truly hit rock bottom were when my mother died in 2011 and when Bobby ended it in 2014.   There have been other times that I have had periods of despair, but I’m generally able to work my way through them and out of them.

I have done my best to avoid allowing myself to fall deep into a pit of despair over Bennett and I have mostly done an ok job.  My job and my network of friends have kept me generally tethered to reality.

But, recently, I have the overwhelming feeling of dread and I know this feeling and it’s path all too well.  Tears are always at hand.   They don’t need a specific incident to start.  I am cranky and get upset very easily.    Nothing truly makes me happy and I am very, very distracted.    Being distracted doesn’t bode well for me at work.

I want to lie in my bed all day.  I have a constant feeling in my chest that almost feels like I am about to vomit.  I can take Xanax to calm myself but it dulls me and makes me a bit spacey.  I try and save that for when I really feel panic setting in.

I sit here and worry constantly.  I worry if I am good enough.  Worry why I can’t seem to find a man that wants to stick around.  Worry why my children behave like they do.  Worry I will have a job tomorrow.   Worry if I can pay for college. Worry about nothing.  Worry if I am ugly, fat or stupid.  Worry about everything.

I also used to feel like my blog was a safer place than it is today.

Now, I feel that because I made the mistake of Bennett, no matter what I post about him will receive negative feedback, which is quite hard to hear when I am so desperately in love with this man.  I understand the difference between right and wrong, but clearly something is broken within me.  I would like to write more about how I feel about Bennett – but the advice is canned and I’m not in the mood to hear the same chatter “break it off, move on, he’s still sleeping with his wife” even if it’s all true.  Doesn’t matter, I’m not yet done processing it.

People will say – get help – go back to the therapist.  But that costs money and time I don’t have at the moment.  I can’t even seem to find the time to exercise. I’ve gained so much weight that my clothes no longer fit and I can see the change in photos.  Nothing like being fat to add to depression.

And here’s where people who are more emotionally stable don’t understand – I can’t make it a priority when all I want to do is sleep and dream and some days, not wake up.   I don’t mean die or kill myself – just disappear into myself for a while.

This is where I know I need help, someone to help me, because I cannot seem to do this on my own.  I want someone to coax me out of this, hold my hand, be near when I can’t stand up to help me along.  You can only depend on friends for so long when you don’t have a partner.

Who do you cry to?  Who holds you when you just need to sob and let it all out?  Who helps pick you up off the floor and put you back together?  Maybe you will say you can do this for yourself -well, good for you.  I can’t and being alone for so many years must be reaching its breaking point in me.

I’m slowly cracking, I can feel it and I am having a tough time keeping it together to do what I must.  Days like this the depression has me convinced I cannot keep on at it.

Days like this make me want to run back to Bennett (and, yes, I already reached out to him) just so I can physically feel love again.  Even when I know there is nothing there for me, I want to do what I know will ultimately hurt me.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

10 thoughts on “Whose Shoulder Do You Cry On?”

  1. Sometimes I think friends are the right solution. Someone who will not judge, who will not tell you to get over it. Someone who loves you, for you. I know you’re having a tough time and it breaks my heart. I’m here if you need me. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh M – I admire you so much and have such sympathy for your present emotional fragility.

    While I know the situation with Bennett is very hard on you and wish he were not so great to and for you when he’s able to be with you, I also have enough understanding of both anxiety/depression and addiction to know that just saying no, going cold-turkey, 12-step programs and all that requires a certain readiness for success. Even with that readiness, people backslide all the time and it’s unfortunate, but recovery is a process, one that takes time, patience, compassion. No judgments here, just please do whatever you feel is necessary and best for you to take care of yourself. This is not about selfish, spoiled, wishful thinking; it’s about basic survival and a bandaid to get through today, tomorrow, the next day until your strength and ability to proceed with your responsibilities returns.

    Finally, I am so very sorry that your blog no longer seems safe or a place where you can write candidly and frankly about what you think and how you feel. I want happiness and success for you, even if your choices make me wince or brace myself for your potential hard landing. My email is always open if you want to vent privately. For now, please be kind to yourself, and take good care.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m so sorry. I have had experience with depression and it’s gut-wrenching and scary. I wanted to retract from reality and felt detached when I was around my boyfriend, friends, and family. The only thing that helped me was a good anti-depressant.

    I hope things turn around for you soon. Seek help from your doctor. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have never suffered from depression, but by trying to be the “take charge” one in the family, I eventually began suffering from extreme panic attacks. Thank goodness I got help because they (panic attacks) were making my world smaller and smaller. I do understand, my friend, in more ways than you probably know. So whatever makes you feel good, go for it. There is no judgment here. Like many others, I just would like to see you take care of “you” for You. Remember if we don’t take care of ourselves, we absolutely can’t take care of anyone else. In other words, put your own mask on before putting those on of the sick and young.
    Do small things first like eating a good breakfast and even taking a walk whenever you can outside at work on a break and also when you get home. Control the things you are in control of and let those go which you are not in control of. In other words, Madeline, Do You! Go away for a weekend to someplace nice all alone and be with yourself in a place of happiness. Journal the whole time about what you are feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh M, I am so sorry that you are struggling. You have been on my mind quite a bit because I know you have a lot on your mind these days between work, relationships, the kidlets, etc. It is a bunch of spinning plates even on a good day, but throw in some uncertainty and doubt and those plates begin to wobble precariously.

    Please be kind to yourself. I am learning that and it’s not easy. I worry more these days. I worry mostly about $$ and I keep that all to myself. Oh, and you aren’t fat. No way, no how. Lots of hugs — text me whenever you want to talk.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I’m very familiar with anxiety and depression and know how difficult it is to get yourself out of it.
    The advice above is great and I don’t have much to add, other than to say this blog is your space and always will be, and if you need to write, you should do so – just turn comments off when you publish and you won’t hear anything you don’t want to. 😘

    Liked by 4 people

  7. You will receive zero judgments from me, dear. Sometimes you just can’t help who you love even if you know it won’t work out. If only I lived closer I would take you with me on my walks around the lake at the park and talk about whatever you feel like. I have found that not only do I feel better emotionally after I walk, but I am keeping my weight down too. Not saying you should do the same, just telling you what has worked for me.
    Sending you a big virtual hug!!
    There is light at the other end of this road. I promise!!
    I’m open to emailing if you want. Just throwing it out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Whenever I’ve hit that bottom of my depressive bouts it’s been my friends that have helped me back up again. I’m sorry you are feeling so shit, I really do hope you find someone/s to help you out of your pit. X

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can relate so much with what you’re going through- you know exactly what you need to do to feel a little better but can’t find the motivation to do it? One day at a time, one small thing for you each day might help you climb out of the valley you feel stuck in. 💐

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering. I too am very distressed you feel your blog isn’t “safe” for you, or maybe that’s not even the word I want, but that you’ve been harshly judged for your choices. If I’ve been guilty of such, forgive me.

    I’ve been in your shoes, when the grey cloud of depression seemed to hover above me with no sign of movement. I could barely get up in the morning and never felt rested; then couldn’t sleep at night. I pondered life’s worth, and my days felt meaningless and empty. I wasn’t suicidal – I just was slogging through life in slow motion with glue on my shoes (or so it felt.)
    Finally I sought help. I took a mild antidepressant (and the dr kindly told me I would not notice any change for at least 2 weeks, so not to expect it) and another at night which had a mild sedative effect. I slept well the very first night for the first time in weeks. It made a huge difference. In about a week I felt the cloud lifting, and in another, it started to slowly move away. I began to breathe again.

    I really REALLY hope you try this. Not for your job, your kids, or your weight. For YOU. Because you deserve to feel good. Because you deserve to find love, be happy, and live well. And depression makes it hard to function, make decisions, and be a good parent/partner/employee.

    Can you leave the kids with someone for a few days while you recharge? Go stay with some friends and have some R&R. Pamper yourself. And let us know how you’re doing. Your cyber friends ARE thinking about you!

    Liked by 1 person

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