For those of you who don’t suffer from depression or anxiety, I know it’s hard to understand what the downward spiral feels like. How, no matter what you do, you get sucked into a vortex that feels like lead weights pulling you under water. Try as you may, there is no escaping it because it has such a firm grasp on you.
Its something like addiction….you can’t stop no matter how badly you tell yourself you want to. The quicksand of despair calls.
I’ve lived with anxiety and depression for about 10 years or so now. I know it started after my 3rd child was born and around the time my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I think it must have been around 2007 give or take. The first incident started with Mono earlier in that year, then I recuperated but never really lost the overall feeling of lethargy. I am almost always in a constant cycle of being tired.
The only two times that I truly hit rock bottom were when my mother died in 2011 and when Bobby ended it in 2014. There have been other times that I have had periods of despair, but I’m generally able to work my way through them and out of them.
I have done my best to avoid allowing myself to fall deep into a pit of despair over Bennett and I have mostly done an ok job. My job and my network of friends have kept me generally tethered to reality.
But, recently, I have the overwhelming feeling of dread and I know this feeling and it’s path all too well. Tears are always at hand. They don’t need a specific incident to start. I am cranky and get upset very easily. Nothing truly makes me happy and I am very, very distracted. Being distracted doesn’t bode well for me at work.
I want to lie in my bed all day. I have a constant feeling in my chest that almost feels like I am about to vomit. I can take Xanax to calm myself but it dulls me and makes me a bit spacey. I try and save that for when I really feel panic setting in.
I sit here and worry constantly. I worry if I am good enough. Worry why I can’t seem to find a man that wants to stick around. Worry why my children behave like they do. Worry I will have a job tomorrow. Worry if I can pay for college. Worry about nothing. Worry if I am ugly, fat or stupid. Worry about everything.
I also used to feel like my blog was a safer place than it is today.
Now, I feel that because I made the mistake of Bennett, no matter what I post about him will receive negative feedback, which is quite hard to hear when I am so desperately in love with this man. I understand the difference between right and wrong, but clearly something is broken within me. I would like to write more about how I feel about Bennett – but the advice is canned and I’m not in the mood to hear the same chatter “break it off, move on, he’s still sleeping with his wife” even if it’s all true. Doesn’t matter, I’m not yet done processing it.
People will say – get help – go back to the therapist. But that costs money and time I don’t have at the moment. I can’t even seem to find the time to exercise. I’ve gained so much weight that my clothes no longer fit and I can see the change in photos. Nothing like being fat to add to depression.
And here’s where people who are more emotionally stable don’t understand – I can’t make it a priority when all I want to do is sleep and dream and some days, not wake up. I don’t mean die or kill myself – just disappear into myself for a while.
This is where I know I need help, someone to help me, because I cannot seem to do this on my own. I want someone to coax me out of this, hold my hand, be near when I can’t stand up to help me along. You can only depend on friends for so long when you don’t have a partner.
Who do you cry to? Who holds you when you just need to sob and let it all out? Who helps pick you up off the floor and put you back together? Maybe you will say you can do this for yourself -well, good for you. I can’t and being alone for so many years must be reaching its breaking point in me.
I’m slowly cracking, I can feel it and I am having a tough time keeping it together to do what I must. Days like this the depression has me convinced I cannot keep on at it.
Days like this make me want to run back to Bennett (and, yes, I already reached out to him) just so I can physically feel love again. Even when I know there is nothing there for me, I want to do what I know will ultimately hurt me.