In my last post, perhaps I didn’t articulate clearly enough that I am not getting a lot of matches.
It was said, often, in the comments, because I am too picky.
But, its pretty hard to be picky on Bumble. Since, all you really see, is a 100 word description (if that) and photos. I have mostly given up on Tinder as it has defaulted to an entirely hook-up driven app since last year. The quality of men has deteriorated beyond what I have patience for.
Bumble is ok.
I still don’t love POF or Match but will load up a new profile this weekend in any case.
My criteria for speaking to someone one on the Bumble app is easy: some attraction, the appearance of height (I’m a big girl and do not like being bigger than my man, period), and a preference for a white color job if it’s indicated. I don’t pass on men because of their jobs, but have yet to find a decent enough man that is a match for me if they are too far off from corporate America. Generally speaking, that gap tends to make men get fussy fast with the things I like.
For instance, I matched with a seemingly decent man late last week. He started too soon with a sex comment, I joked it off and he didn’t pursue, seeming to get the hint. He had a holiday weekend semi-full but wanted to meet me as we don’t live far apart.
He suggested a quick drink on Friday night and asked where I would like to meet so I chose two bars I like in between his town and mine.
Immediately he said those bars were a little too fancy for him and he didn’t want to get dressed to have one drink. He said he was taking his younger daughter to pizza and wings after 7:30pm and he would be casual dressed.
So here’s where the chasm comes in.
In my humble opinion, casual dress can include a decent button down shirt and shorts. His opinion of casual dress was a sweatshirt and basketball shorts. He insinuated we meet at a sports bar.
That’s not my kind of guy.
How do I know? One: if you are interested in meeting a woman, even its for an hour, you will take the time to look decent, not like you are tossing back beers with your buds. Two: It’s generally too loud and low class in a sports bar for me, I don’t drink beer or eat wings normally (not to say I never do). So, that’s how my judgement works. If you don’t feel it necessary to even attempt to try and impress me a little bit on our first meeting, then you are not for me.
And if you think a sports bar is ok, you are not for me. It’s not my scene.
It seems that some people feel I am too judgmental about my choices, and that’s why I can’t match. But what’s the point of matching with anyone who is too different from me? A man like this will immediately think I am spoiled, rather than just having preferences for things I like.
That’s exactly what happened. This seemingly nice guy went from pleasant to crazed in a series of perhaps 3 text.
He agreed to meet at one of the bars I chose and then said “I will stand out like a sore thumb in my sweatshirt and basketball shorts.” So, why agree to this bar if you know how people will dress at this bar?
My reply was, you can still wear a nice shirt and shorts to take your daughter for pizza and wings…and he went off the rails:
It’s Friday and what do you expect me to be wearing? We are not doing something. I can promise you I am not wearing a nice shirt. I’m fitting you in. You are not my evening activity. I am not dressing up to go to a pizza place with my daughter in the rain.
Unlike previous years, my response was fast and easy: Block and Delete.
If it was so stressful for him to “fit me in” and “put on a nice shirt” he isn’t the one for me. Period. I believe these small behaviors are just indicators of bigger issues behind them.
I’m sure many of you don’t agree, but it’s my date and there’s no point in going out with anyone who doesn’t have some of the qualities I like. And that sure means: don’t get upset when I want prosecco, oysters and a decent bar.
I can spend time at a sporting event, in a sports bar, or in a grungy bar with the best of them. But, not often and certainly not for a first date. Of all the first dates I have had, one thing I have learned for sure: if the guy thinks I am too “uppity” they will be much too similar to my x and I can’t deal with that.
As my son tells me : “You like what you like, yo” Clearly my little man knows his Momma just likes things the way she likes them.
And so it is.
I keep plugging on. I have had a few other nice conversations and some potential dates lined up this week. They seem like nice men and we seem aligned with the things we want in dating. I realize that the chances of finding a Bennett again may be slim to none, its a rare thing to check off every single box on your desire list (but, so Bennett did). But I have to start with the things I know work for me.
Meanwhile, I still have some period of tears here and there. I do feel lonely. I can’t get my act together fully to not be depressed. Bennett still sits too much in the forefront of my thoughts. I’ll get there, it just takes time.