Lack of Entertainment

I spoke to Bennett, nothing changed. He loves me but can’t move forward.  That’s pretty much all there is to say.  No resolve.

I remind myself that I was hurting too often, and even though now I hurt every day, this will pass eventually.

So on to the lack of my dating life.  I have been on and off the dating sites since February.   I came off for good from early April until now, and the break did me good.  I loaded them back up this week.

What a disappointment.

Maybe I am too old – 49 perhaps scares men away and I consistently see men above 50 that just look too damn old.  There are so, so very few men above 50 that look any good to me.  And, I must not appeal to anyone that I find attractive either because I am not getting any worthwhile matches and that’s a first.

My age range is set between 44-54 which is suitable for a 49 year old woman with a much younger appearance and attitude.

I am constantly approached by men 40 and younger and I no longer bother, what’s the point? It makes me realize how much I’ve changed this year – casual sex is no longer appealing to me.  I actually think back to 2014-2015 and wonder how I even had the courage to do what I did!  I don’t regret my escapades, but I no longer have any desire to do any of it again.  It’s definitely out of my system.  Whatever I needed to experiment with, I’m done.

Men who can’t hold an interactive conversation are gone quickly.

Men who start up with the “hey, sexy” are gone even more quickly!

So this is leaving me pretty empty handed and it’s very discouraging.

I wouldn’t mind a nice summer boyfriend (who isn’t married) to go off and have some fun with and enjoy the weekends I don’t have kids.  It seems like it’s gotten much harder in the year I have been out of play.  This time last summer I had plenty of choices and lots of dates lined up.

I don’t feel cynical as much as disappointed and a bit worried about feeling “too old” for all of this.  Have I aged out of the online dating game?  Is a woman approaching 50 just too old for this?

 

 

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

44 thoughts on “Lack of Entertainment”

    1. There seems to be a comment missing? No I’m not what?

      I have relaxed some of my standards but stick with the three I have learned to be non negotiable: physical appeal, job, and height.

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      1. Got it! The funny thing is that I woke up to some good matches this morning! Lol. It’s feast or famine I suppose but I do believe that changing my age has changed my match aspects

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  1. You had plenty of dates with men who you knew weren’t what you actually wanted.
    On the one hand you may be too picky about some of your looks / job / money / height criteria (I’m seeing lots of hot 50+ year olds in my area) but other criteria (those who aren’t seeking the same things, those who just want casual sex, those who don’t turn your intellectual crank) are really good to have and the result is you aren’t wasting your time. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
    I do know that at age 50 women will be searched for less. But do you really want the guys who are that small minded? They are self selecting out and that’s not bad either.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yea you are right, ultimately I am not wasting my time with useless matches and dates.

      But I do start with looks, height and job and have found that not wavering from those does get me better matches. It just takes longer.

      I have seen many good looking men – but they are not matching with me – so equally they must have same/similar criteria.

      I do wonder what would happen if I dropped my age by 6 years.

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      1. Absolutely with your strict criteria it will take longer – and nothing wrong with that as long as you know that you are then working to find someone out of a tiny pool. Completely your prerogative! It sounded like you were complaining about there being “no good men” which isn’t the case – there are few good men for you based on your criteria.
        And what would happen? You’d get more matches for sure, but if you met someone you liked and then had to fess up about your age there’s a likelihood that man would say “thanks but no”. I’ve had so many men tell me they are completely turned off by a woman who lies about her age – even if those same men wouldn’t search for the real age. Ferns is right, you may have to be more proactive to find the men that aren’t finding you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s funny to me that you think my criteria is strict. I think it’s the least I deserve and see no point in settling for something less. And I have a proven track record of failures when I step outside the basic criteria.

        And I am complaining there are no good men that I am matching with. MOST men in my area over 50 clearly want (and can get?) a younger woman. And, most are not very impressive.

        I’m glad you have much better luck in your area or if you cast your net wider to catch more fish, but I’m not complaining as much as noting my own experience.

        I’m not going to change my age. I do believe I would rather
        Start off honest and go from there

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      3. You deserve 6′ tall? That’s funny. You’ll note I said I think you’re on the right track with sticking to your criteria around your need for intellectual interest, men who are seeking a relationship, who are not children themselves, etcetera.
        And you yourself admitted that when you went off your looks criteria you found your soulmate in Bennett.
        To be clear, you have every right to demand a man make a certain amount of money, buy you the kinds of gifts you want, to look a certain way, work at a certain job. But every time you write about not finding enough men, guaranteed people will comment that another option is to try something different – because salary, looks, and height are not the things that truly make a relationship. (For you, they are critical to attraction, but that’s not how everyone sees things). Of course my wish for you is you find a tall dark haired man who is in the 1% both intellectually and financially, who buys you the frivolous gifts you want (your words not mine) and who is also all those criteria that make a relationship a good one. I fear it will take a long time to find that and hope you have the patience while you wait for your Prince Charming.

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      4. Think you are being a bit too specific. Bennett is over 6′ and nice looking but not normally what I was attracted to. So, yes, since then I relaxed my criteria. And I am not attracted to men shorter than 5’11” so, yes, I deserve to find what attracts me.

        Meeting a man on a dating app has nothing to do with money or gifts. Or salary. But the type of job does matter to me because I have seen exactly what works and doesn’t for me.

        Seems like you believe I am fixated on these things as must haves before I get to know a man and I’m not. My 3 criteria are height, job and attraction.

        I just wonder how you think all that happens in a photo? With no match? Or conversation?

        My post was about selection. You are being extremely literal. How can I determine if I like someone I haven’t met.

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      5. I don’t think I said anything about not meeting them? I’m just picking up on your comments in this and other posts where you have eliminated someone based on job, height, and if they fit your attraction requirements which you’ve said before are very specific. If you’re saying you’re now giving more guys a chance by relaxing your criteria then good for you. More to choose from.

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      6. Lying about age: I am 43 (almost 44) and connected a bit with a man who said he was 49. 49 (50 would be ok) is my soft limit. He didn’t provide great pictures, but I loved how he expressed himself. When I finally learned his first and last name, which are a unique combination, I googled him. Numerous of those cursory background search pages reported that he was 55. It had to be him. It really bummed me out. I also found some more photos of him and saw that he was no way the age he said he was. I’ve had enough experiences with guys who are kind of slippery about small things, that this just turned me off. I dropped him. Not only was he too old, but he was dishonest. So, I am glad that you aren’t going to do the same thing.

        Liked by 2 people

      7. I think that the big turnoff when it comes to lying about age is it conveys that the liar needs to manipulate how they are seen by others, and doesn’t feel secure that who they intrinsically, honestly are, is good enough. It’s always a quiet, but deep bummer when stuff like that is found out.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Age is a filter and an arbitrary number (45, 50, whatever) is an up-front ‘no’ online. It’s nothing to do with you or what you offer: it’s that most men in our age range don’t even see you. They are looking younger.

    At 50, I wasn’t getting any men my age approaching me (they were either much younger or much older). As an experiment, I changed my age to 40, same profile, same pics. And all of a sudden: ‘oh hello, there you are men my age!’

    I wasn’t intending to use the lie (I really never lie), I just wanted to see if my theory about it was correct (it was). But I got sucked in and met one man for coffee with that age on my profile. He was attracted to me, so my age in that sense was irrelevant, but I was aware of it every second and I didn’t know how to bring it up (also a ten year gap is huge in terms of just ‘chatting about life’ stuff). He turned out to be no good (seriously, his primary first date concern was ‘how close is that restaurant to your place in case we want to have sex?’), but the experiment was telling.

    The only solution is to actively contact men who seem interesting so that they see your profile and photos and make a determination based on that. Having said that: in my area I’m seeing the same thing you are. Men my age are woefully depressing, like they’ve given up on themselves and on life and just want to put on their sweats, watch sports on TV and wait to die (not even kidding some of their profiles and photos are pretty much exactly that, and that’s *them at their best*: “Hello ladieeezzzz!” WTF?!).

    Ferns

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I gave serious thought about changing my age but ultimately decided against it. I have to practice patience which I am definitely not good at. Since I am only on Bumble and Tinder, there’s really no profile per se…I don’t like the choices for Match and POF and it just seems that in my metro area, they are not the dating apps of choice. Men in the city are on Bumble, and rarely anywhere else.

      And I am no sexy beauty queen. I know what I offer, but these men are truly sad – like WTF. Sometimes I wonder who, if any, ever clicks on their photos? Some of them are really horrifying if that’s them at their best. And if they are over 50 and in great shape – they feel obligated to show it with gym photos – why is it one extreme or the other!

      I really want a decent man, decent looking, decent shape (Dad bods are ok with me, so is a little extra weight) as long as they have some ambition and desire for travel. I don’t think I am asking for too much!

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  3. Have you considered CougarLife? A friend has had some positive feedback about it. I’m currently on break, myself, from dating. When Im ready to go back I might consider that site…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no! I don’t want a younger man – I mean not younger than 44 or so. I want a man who has kids and understands the responsibilities that come with kids.

      I totally don’t feel comfortable around young men and that’s perhaps because my boys are getting up there in age.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have not one, but two male friends in their mid-40s who really have a thing for being with women who are 1-10 years older than them. They see that a 50 year old woman is no less sexually viable than how she was 10, 20, 30 years ago, and is hot as “F” because she knows what she wants and isn’t going to be a scared, passive little Pillow Princess in bed. They are out there! Maybe you just need to spend more time in Northern California. 🙂

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      2. I would love to be in Northern CA. I do believe it’s something about being in such a large metro area. We are all more vain here unfortunately, so that makes the men realize they can have women much younger. I also noticed so many men in their late 40s saying they want to start a family! So clearly, I age out of that! I know what I offer, I’m not distressed about my age as much as the lack of options. I won’t change my age because I agree with you that it’s a bummer to find out. I see men who are clearly older than 55 that come up in my match and I don’t even try because I know what’s going to happen.

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    1. I was lying about my age last year. I had it as 46 when I was 48. So now it’s accurate at 49. I really do think age has a lot to do with it because you can filter by age. I notice lots of men over 50 put 49 but state their real age in their profile.

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      1. And look it, as you don’t want a younger guy being afraid of what he thinks a 50 year old looks. My mom is 64 but looks maybe 45, and my sisters are both over 40, one approaching 50 and one could pass for late 20s and the older of the two for mid 30s. Then I have a sister that looks 40 to 45 that will be 40 this year (she earned her wrinkles and bad teeth). I just stopped getting carded so I think people expect to look older, like 30, 40, and 50, 60, hell even 70 has a look, when it simply doesn’t.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. M – perhaps it’s time to try something different. I’m not sure what, but what you are trying ain’t working. Matchmaker? Ask friends to set you up on a blind date (but promise not to hate them if it’s a dud)? Dance class (the Hunter banged virtually every woman in his salsa club back in the day)? I think you need a more creative (and fun) approach.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know you have advocated for this for some time but I loathe those group activities. I don’t even know if I could be comfortable.

      The problem with my friends is my primary age group of friends is too young for me. But I have asked and it seems no one knows anyone!

      I’m not brace enough for dance classes. I get horribly embarrassed.

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  5. Oh my, I wish I had something to add that was insightful. I know there are still good men in the right age bracket out there, and I think you’re on to something in the weeding out process… but I agree that maybe there is another approach you might consider.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ugh, I’m so concerned to read this! I hope my fun dating years aren’t numbered. 😦

    Like Ferns, I have noticed that the over 50 men in my area seem to either have given up on life or are super arrogant. Both are a huge turn off. For the time being, though, I’m content dating much younger. I seem to have much better chemistry with men in their 30s.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did try the 30s for a bit when I started. I don’t have enough chemistry other than sexual. I know I want and need a relationship now, so I need to look for like minded men in that respect. I am happy with 45 and up, but am a bit surprised how few there really are.

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