One thing I love about blogging is the ability for a perfect stranger to say something that resonates so deeply within me that I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ferns did it yesterday.
Her comment hit me in such a way that it unlocked something I wasn’t able to get to myself, something that I know can help me heal.
Why was it that comment and not a thousand before, I don’t know. She’s a better writer than I am so maybe it’s the words themselves that just seem to speak to me. Either way, I can’t thank you enough Ferns. And, it isn’t the first time you’ve popped in a smacked me upside my head to get me thinking differently.
Here’s the comment:
“It’s easy to talk about leaving someone. Especially when you are giddy with the kind of high emotion that you’ve forgotten you were capable of. But when the person you are talking about leaving is someone you still love and care for and respect (this vs someone with whom everything is irrevocably ugly-broken), there is a reality there that is going to smack you in the face when you pull the trigger.
Saying the words out loud to someone with whom you have a powerful history, a shared and not-terrible life, a genuine and deep affection, and watching their heart break is a reality that most do not imagine. And if this person you still love takes even one step towards you, you will grab at it because it is awful-terrible to break someone’s heart and then turn away when they beg to try and mend what is broken. People who have lost their way are never closer, more honest, more real than when they are about to lose something they have taken for granted and forgotten about. It brings the value of it into high relief.
So unless it’s screaming fights and dead emotions, people will always try to rekindle those embers because memory is deep and strong and saying ‘no, not interested in trying to fix this’ to a long term partner whose heart you’ve just broken is not something most people will do or *want* to do.
The people who leave their relationships are the ones who have tried and tried and tried, who have had endless conversations and fights about it, who have genuinely concluded that there is nothing left, who have reached the end of their tether. Bennett is at step one in this process. Whether their reboot works out or not has nothing to do with you, and as you’ve said previously, nor should it.
All that to say: You are enough. You are just choosing the wrong men. You should stop doing that (sorry, made myself laugh, but man, you had the chance to get out as soon as you realised he was married, you didn’t even like him that much back then, were ambivalent, so yeah, learn a lesson, woman!).
Does her comment make my situation or feeling of loss any different? No, of course not. I just made me see things differently.
I really hated my x by the time we broke, I had so much pain, resentment and emotional distress. I tried everything to fix it and couldn’t. There was so much fighting (and still is today). I loved him deeply for so many years and I couldn’t let go of that love for so many years and kept trying and trying until finally something snapped in half and was irrevocably broken. Ferns words “ugly-broken” just resonated in a way I can’t actually explain.
That has never happened to Bennett. They don’t fight. They had a young romance that blossomed into a family and eventually fell flat as many relationships do, but it wasn’t because they disliked one another, they just didn’t care to try any harder or perhaps didn’t’ know how. There is much responsibility on both sides.
Bennett has said this to me many times “I know it would be easier if I hates her or we fought, but we don’t.” They just ignored one another as lovers. He gave up on her when he thought she cheated on him (if she did or not is debatable) and he stopped investing emotionally.
He always said he was absolutely certain when he married her. He believed he would be married to one person forever (like his parents, though his Dad died young). He wanted to emulate the perfect family that he felt he was raised in, and he did a really good job of starting out that way. They just couldn’t sustain his picture perfect image of the romance and emotional connection. They never had it then, so when he met me and realized I could give it to him, I think he was so far disconnected from at that point that he began to build our future in his head. He had sustained the romance and emotional part of their marriage, it was never her strong suit, and then he gave up trying and maybe she never knew how once he stopped. I was the same as him in the way I invest emotionally.
When I met Bennett, he was crushed under the weight of his perceived failure and his mothers impending death. He felt no one understood him (claims he tried many times to speak to his wife, but she is never tuned in to him – and I get the impression that she’s not horribly bright but an extremely kind and gentle soul).
I do believe it’s possible he is my twin flame or my soulmate because of very distinct similarities. There are just not that many people in this world that you can be so completely aligned with emotionally. Regardless of if he is meant to be in my life long term, what we had was unusual and special, a connection unlike any other I have ever had in my life.
But, I now see you can (maybe) live without that connection if you can have many other things that you hold dear…and I think Ferns hit the nail on the head when that reality struck, when the words came out of his mouth, he could not actually break her. And why should he, when she was begging him to fix it. He suddenly saw their whole life in front of him and I strongly believe, was pulled back by the notion he wants to have that perfect marriage and family, and wants it so desperately why wouldn’t he try to make it work again. I understand all that in writing, in theory, but my heart is unable to accept that he would want to live without the ultimate connection.
I also think Ferns is right in saying that when the worst happens, you are at your most open, more real, more honest….I got the impression that he saw that within his wife and needed to do the same for himself – be real. I know from our last conversation a week ago that they were trying to understand how they got to such a broken place. If two people can talk through those high emotions without fighting, and be accountable for their actions, it would require focus. I think he must be giving her that focus now, and he can’t distort it to me. I can understand that, even if I don’t like it because he promised me that he was never going back to his marriage.
I realize I am rehashing most of what I have already said, but, writing through trauma has always helped me sort myself out and it keeps me from writing to him.
We have “broken-up” three times now. Each time hurt. But this time feels very different to me. The other times we broke and I knew he was in pain from parting from me, I knew how deeply he loved me and how hard it was to be without me. This time his focus is elsewhere and I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself. I try to remind myself that he does love me, but this was the best decision. I question it though, constantly….I question how much he loves me and that’s a terrible thing to do to myself.
Thank you Ferns for giving me so much to think about, it means so much to me.
And, you are right and can laugh….I laugh at myself. My attraction to Bennett still amazes me for many reasons, but I guess that’s the mystery of it all.