The statement “it’s never enough” was something my x used constantly towards me. I always felt that I was asking for too much, with anything and everything.
I know for certain that turned into me almost believing I was asking for too much, that somehow I wouldn’t’ deserve what I was asking for. My parents did the same to me. Madeline was always the one pushing the envelope.
I learned to settle. Until I didn’t. But, I settled for a long, long time and those feelings and perhaps those behaviors are awfully hard to overcome in a short time after years of brainwashing.
The feeling of “it’s never enough” has been churning in my brain this past week and every day it’s getting seemingly worse.
Of course I question why I “wasn’t enough” for Bennett to leave his marriage…although common sense would say it’s not about me, it’s about him. I do hear those words and think them often, but haven’t gotten around to convincing myself that he is staying to hold onto something bigger than what we had over 11 months. Logic dictates that I understand his thought process. Emotion is cloudy, dark, angry and hurt by his thought process.
So, yes, I think it sucks to think that there is something in his life that’s bigger than the love we shared.
Bennett promised me too many things. Promised me that it was never about his wife and marriage and only about his family, promised me that it would always be me and our day would come. I really and truly think he believed those things when he said them and felt them. But I really wonder how that changed in such a split second. Was it the overwhelming, crashing sense that he was collapsing his entire world? I think he panicked.
He truly feels failure. When I met him we talked about this quite often. He takes most of the blame for the failure of his marriage so I am not surprised he will also truly try to repair it even when he said he couldn’t ever see that happening. His two greatest fears are fear of the unknown and fear of failure: divorce brings these forth in spades, doesn’t it?
I can actually rationalize many reasons why he will choose to stay, and knowing him as I do, they all make sense to expect for his ability to finally let go of me.
I’m simply throwing a pity party this morning and doing my best not to reach out to him. Writing here works for me – I can write out all the things I think I need to say to him and say them to you instead. Most of it’s rhetorical, I don’t actually need his answers (as if there was anything that would fulfill me anyway) to move forward.
But the never enough part is really bothering me. I wish it wasn’t something I think every time I have a romantic failure in my life, but it is, I have been trained and raised to think that I am never enough for anyone, even when they tell me I am, because at the end of the day, they leave me.
The whole idea of breaking up sucks for anyone, but I don’t think everyone questions themselves the way I do. I have a girlfriend going through it right now and we spend a lot of time texting each other so we don’t text the boys and she really never doubts herself in her breakups. Her attitude is “they show me once in any way they don’t want me or I am no longer the priority and I’m like peace out!” And she means it! How does she do that? I just spoke to her and she said “don’t let anyone hold power over you.”
It’s true. I allowed Bennett to hold power over me and I still am. The more I mourn and cry, I am allowing him to take a space he doesn’t deserve anymore.
I want to know how my friend does that. I don’t think I could have done anything differently with Bennett to change where we are today, so I don’t have regret over making a mistake within the relationship as much as regret over feeling like I did lose the only person I could have ever considered a soul mate in my life. I want to stop questioning myself about why I am not good enough to (or better than?) the choices he made.
Unfortunately for me, Bennett was pretty much a perfect partner in every way I dreamed of. For years, I was told no one could ever be that lover, partner, friend or parent…but he is. Maybe I just have to hold onto the fact I was lucky enough to meet a soulmate (if such a thing exists) and know that I will still live to love another day.
But right now, missing him just stinks.