Getting On With It

In a rare instance of strength towards a break up, I came home tonight and deleted all his text messages from my phone.  I read an article today that said the worst thing you can do is go backwards and read and reread things that are no longer valid.

So, I deleted him.

11 months of text messages.  Hidden away.  I can go back and read them with some effort, but I can’t access on the phone.

I also took down my little trinkets and cards I had kept up at work.  Tucked those away in a drawer.

I didn’t delete my photos, but if find myself looking at him with longing, well, they will go off to a safe place too.

Interestingly enough, when I did this over a year ago with Bobby I transferred everything to an email I can no longer recall with a password that is entirely gone from my mind.  So, that goes to show you how literally removing these little reminders from your life eventually fade from the foreground if you take an active part in making it happen.

I woke myself up from a dream about us the other night.   I dreamed we were talking it all through and somehow I was being convinced to wait yet again. I woke myself up angry and had to shake it off.  Clearly my subconscious is strongly connected to him.

I try not to let my wand wander too much but I find it nearly impossible not to think about it as soon as I have a free moment.   I know the mourning has set in because I could cry, I just don’t.

I’ve been asking myself a lot more soul-searching questions this time around.  My biggest internal debate is just my inability to understand “why” or “how” he can do what he’s doing.  I know I just need to move into acceptance and allow myself not to know everything, but I am not there yet.  Please, I would appreciate no cliché replies about moving on, I know what I need to do, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it obsessively.

His last words to me were to tell me he will always love me, I will always be his one true love and no one will ever replace that.  He is sure of it.  I feel bad if he has to live that way and be married to someone else.

Ann and I discussed and I realize that he made me a lot of promises and led me to believe (willingly, I wasn’t oblivious to anything) that there was hope for a future for us.  He even spoke to her because he was terrified of losing me.  Yes, he is a jerk for doing this, but he was a jerk for cheating in the first place and I loved him despite his jerkiness.

And then he got cold feet.

So be it.  I am just writing to process as it’s the easiest outlet not to torment my friends with endless questions of doubt and continual sadness.  I am very, very lucky I have such an amazing role in my new job to consume me.  Without it, I would be lost.  My closest friend also broke it off with her long distance boyfriend after 18 months.  She is so good about “he showed me one sign of not wanting me and I’m out.”  And, she is, just like that. I wish I had some of that resilience and self-confidence.

I sit and wonder how he imploded so quickly.  I know I won’t have any answer that will satisfy me.  If he was speaking to me he would simply tell me he was confused and he still loves me, but he isn’t leaving his family.  There is nothing more, but I’m not yet ready to finish my own psychoanalysis of how he can live with these lies.

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

25 thoughts on “Getting On With It”

  1. ❤ We all do things we don't want to out of obligation to our upbringing. Sometimes it's just an excuse. Maybe you were the great love of his life, but he wasn't yours. Yours would show it. He would act it. He isn't for you my dear. The obsessing is the worst part of a break up.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am honestly sad and just questioning everything and doing my best to simply distract myself and hold it together. I remember from Bobby that every day is a step further away from the relationship and I have to keep moving away and not slide back.

      I am totally obsessive. I really am not good at controlling this part of me.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Such great quotes Oceans. It’s interesting, the second one, the reminders for me are much less physical and more emotional – when we spoke, what he said, when he checked in on me….and the things I would normally share with him throughout a day. One thing I did realize is he was a quiet voice in my many storms, very smart, very strong and a good guidepost. I would like to find that again. I loved having such a strong support and I realize I don’t quite have that in my friend base in the same way.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree – the thing is, his actions (other than leaving his wife) are always pretty stellar – he filled my emotional cup to overflowing. We were missing time and commitment – which is massive, but it often didn’t feel like it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I had some of YOUR resilience and self-confidence. Take the time to grieve and you’ll know when it’s time to move forward. I’m proud of you. For taking another chance. For loving someone wholeheartedly. Love you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Andi – I don’t think staying with a married man for 11 months shows resilience or confidence. I have it in many other areas of my life but can’t seem to get the romance piece down!

      Thanks for the love doll 🙂

      Like

      1. The resilience and confidence come from moving on and being able to move on from Bobby and take the risk again. We’ve all been there honey….

        Like

  3. I won’t say “just move on” because you’re doing the best you are capable of. We all process things at different paces. You’ve proven already you will get over him, in due time, in your way. Try to not obsess mindlessly; when you find yourself really missing him, be extra kind to yourself and take a walk, go get something delish to eat, buy a pair of shoes or a lovely top without thinking “oh, he would love this.” No, get it because YOU love it and look smashing in it. You deserve all good things in life, Madeline, and believe me, they will all come to you sooner or later. I’m really happy the job is wonderful!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s hard and it totally sucks. I remember when my married man, afraid of losing me, told his wife that he was unhappy with her and wanted her to change or end the relationship and she responded with wanting to work on it..so they did…and 2.5 years later they are still together and they have found contentment and happiness (we chat a few times a year now). I remember my initial devastation and how I could not wrap my head around wanting to stay with someone he was so clearly unhappy with when we had such bliss and joy. I think if comes down to the history piece. Regardless of how happy you could make him, he just isn’t unhappy enough at home to give up all those years together. It’s nothing to do with you and I am not sure there is any more to it. You deserve so much more and you know this. You will get there in time. It’s early days and there is a grace period given for questioning and wallowing in the sadness. Pain has to be experienced to get through it and all that….so hang in there..write it all out and know that there are so many of us rooting for you to have the happiness you deserve.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think that’s what’s going to happen in Bennetts relationship too. He always swore up and down that it wouldn’t but I get the sense he got a shock about how much he does care about his marriage deep down and feel responsible for throwing it away as much as she did. I believe people can reconcile and be happy. I do agree you are right there’s no competing with history. I really hated my ex by the time we divorced, Bennett was just disconnected. I think those types of easy going companionships can be made into steady relationships of other types. But it does suck when it feels like he believed I was “his one” and he believed it for a moment too.

      I know you have to go through fire first and it a weird way it helps knowing I will come out the end and have so many great supporters here !

      Thanks so much, Sassy ❤️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s