In a rare instance of strength towards a break up, I came home tonight and deleted all his text messages from my phone. I read an article today that said the worst thing you can do is go backwards and read and reread things that are no longer valid.
So, I deleted him.
11 months of text messages. Hidden away. I can go back and read them with some effort, but I can’t access on the phone.
I also took down my little trinkets and cards I had kept up at work. Tucked those away in a drawer.
I didn’t delete my photos, but if find myself looking at him with longing, well, they will go off to a safe place too.
Interestingly enough, when I did this over a year ago with Bobby I transferred everything to an email I can no longer recall with a password that is entirely gone from my mind. So, that goes to show you how literally removing these little reminders from your life eventually fade from the foreground if you take an active part in making it happen.
I woke myself up from a dream about us the other night. I dreamed we were talking it all through and somehow I was being convinced to wait yet again. I woke myself up angry and had to shake it off. Clearly my subconscious is strongly connected to him.
I try not to let my wand wander too much but I find it nearly impossible not to think about it as soon as I have a free moment. I know the mourning has set in because I could cry, I just don’t.
I’ve been asking myself a lot more soul-searching questions this time around. My biggest internal debate is just my inability to understand “why” or “how” he can do what he’s doing. I know I just need to move into acceptance and allow myself not to know everything, but I am not there yet. Please, I would appreciate no cliché replies about moving on, I know what I need to do, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it obsessively.
His last words to me were to tell me he will always love me, I will always be his one true love and no one will ever replace that. He is sure of it. I feel bad if he has to live that way and be married to someone else.
Ann and I discussed and I realize that he made me a lot of promises and led me to believe (willingly, I wasn’t oblivious to anything) that there was hope for a future for us. He even spoke to her because he was terrified of losing me. Yes, he is a jerk for doing this, but he was a jerk for cheating in the first place and I loved him despite his jerkiness.
And then he got cold feet.
So be it. I am just writing to process as it’s the easiest outlet not to torment my friends with endless questions of doubt and continual sadness. I am very, very lucky I have such an amazing role in my new job to consume me. Without it, I would be lost. My closest friend also broke it off with her long distance boyfriend after 18 months. She is so good about “he showed me one sign of not wanting me and I’m out.” And, she is, just like that. I wish I had some of that resilience and self-confidence.
I sit and wonder how he imploded so quickly. I know I won’t have any answer that will satisfy me. If he was speaking to me he would simply tell me he was confused and he still loves me, but he isn’t leaving his family. There is nothing more, but I’m not yet ready to finish my own psychoanalysis of how he can live with these lies.