A quick post to get this off my chest.
I know how well I lied to myself because I feel the pain of heartbreak. I felt it in January when I initially told Bennett it would end. I felt it in early April again when I chose to let go…and thought I let go for real this time. But I must not have…the few days between the “I spoke to her text” and the “I’m not ready to leave” text gave me too much hope.
I told myself to be patient, that I knew the first “I spoke to her text” was simply the tip of an iceberg that may never melt or even crack. I knew it.
I knew it.
But, deep down, somehow, I also convinced myself to hope.
And now I feel the pain of that hope and I hate it. I hate that I did this to myself.
Nothing has changed with Bennett in fact. He says he still loves me the way he always loved me but he cannot leave his family and his marriage. He currently has no intention of going back to an intimate relationship with his wife, but knows he cannot leave.
I don’t truly understand this. I feel that if he loved me the way he says he does he would leave. I spoke to Ann about this and she reminded me “it’s not about me.” But, I’m not sure I really understand.
How can you love someone so deeply yet stay married to another? Why make your life such a lie?
I’m not debating the fact I need to move forward, I am just attempting to rationalize something for myself and i seem to be stuck on this thought.
He feels he cannot make the decision to leave his family, he is sure of it now. He has decided he cannot be selfish, that they are more important than anything he would do for himself, and that deciding to leave them for me was an ultimately selfish choice.