Dating and Sex

I have known Bennett for 9 months now, longer than I dated Bobby.  Somehow, time with Bennett creeps by while time with Bobby seemed to always be like the sands racing through the hourglass against time.  I never really feel that way about Bennett, perhaps because it’s me who has to leave Bennett and not the other way around.

I made the decision to date Bobby because I was desperate to find one steady sexual partner.  I hit the jackpot with him and found out just how much fun and crazy great sex could be.

I was so worried when it ended with Bobby that I went through a bunch a sex with men I could care less about, even ending up crying most of the time after the encounters, before I realized I really needed a break from the emotional roller coaster.   I remained pretty scared about not having consistent sex for quite some time – all the way through to last July.

I met Bennett last June, so he was in the picture by then and eventually, by end of August, became the only man I was having sex with.  Sex is fantastic with Bennett and I didn’t feel any drive to seek out others.

Now that things are mostly over with Bennett, I find myself wondering why I don’t feel the same drive I felt just a year ago.  I don’t think it’s necessary to chase sexual partners for casual sex and I am entirely uninterested in random encounters, or sex without the couple-ship.

I suppose it’s because Bennett filled my emotional cup to overflowing.  I was grateful to be loved by a man who could also fill all my sexual needs.  I never feel threatened by Bennett leaving me (of course I feel sad, but not threatened) so I’m sure that adds something to the equation as well.  Sex with Bennett was “just-right.”  It had all the components I needed.

I wonder if it’s holding me back from exploration.  But, on the other hand – have I done enough exploration?  Have I experienced enough sexual craziness not to want to do it again unless it’s with a more serious partner?

I think so.  I think I have surprised myself about how much I have matured about this point-of-view.

I don’t care about sex with others, though watching or performing could be fun.  I have no further desire to attempt a MFM threesome.  Curiosity, maybe, but no real desire.  I don’t care about more anal sex, sex swings, or crazy activities.

Meeting Bennett settled me sexually in a way I wasn’t before I was separated.  I needed these 3 years (and I truly can’t believe it’s been 3 years!!) to go a little crazy.    I am so glad I did.

I still love a little PDA and would always be up for a quickie somewhere I could get away with it…but I want it to be with someone who really adores me.  I want to experience more romantic sex now as well.  Making love with Bennett was as much (maybe more) of a turn on as any of the craziness I experienced with Bobby.

I’m certainly not sedate sexually, I still want sex very often and not to be bored, I just want it with a real partner now and I think that’s affecting my dating choices.  I am so clear why I would not go on useless second dates with men, or waste my time in text or conversation when it could be a reality.  I am clear that men who want to see you will find a way to see you and make time for you, they will make their desire crystal clear.

I have gained a significant amount of weight (my weight is like an elevator) and I think that affects some of my confidence.    I need to get back on track, but it’s definitely not holding me back.

Which leads me to the potential of having a new sexual partner in Dave.   The first time I had sex outside my marriage was kind of intense, not a lot of time for thinking.  But, I recall the next time being more planned out and being much more worried about what was happening.  I feel a little like this with Dave because we are moving relatively slowly for me.  I can see having sex with him, but I worry about him being the first after Bennett.  I feel a little more nervous than I do excited which is a massive change for me.  He does turn me on and I am intensely attracted to him so I am sure it won’t be an issue should it come to pass.    I’m more worried I will like him more after sex and get stuck in my own damn head the way I have done in the past.  I’ve done much better thus far in the dating game, but I know my pitfalls once I get into sexual relations.

I guess we shall see what comes to pass in the next few weeks.  I have no confidence in things changing with Bennett and I do miss him terribly, but the anger is creeping in now (which must be a good thing).  I have good days and bad days without him.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “Dating and Sex”

  1. I have placed myself in the same type of scenario- after getting out of a serious relationship I just wanted some flings. That desire didn’t last long. I find myself completely affected by the lack of care I have for these men and find that sex is not good when I don’t care deeply about them. For me, apparently I have to really like them to get that passionate and deep,that I’ve experienced. I didn’t realize that before and now that I have.. I wonder if I will always make myself wait until I know I really like the guy. Cool, relatey post.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When I was in the midst of disentangling myself from my marriage, my therapist & I had a talk about my next chapter. I told her I was nervous about dating because I was overweight and thought I wouldn’t find anyone. She too struggled with her weight, so I valued her response immensely. She said, “if a guy wants to get naked and have sex with you, he’s into you and the sex. He isn’t going to notice the flaws. He’s too busy being thrilled he has a willingm naked sex partner. Turn off the lights if it makes you feel better, but get busy!” She is absolutely right.

    I love this post. I felt the same way. My “sowing of wild oats” was a shorter time period, but I’m glad I had it. I’ve gone from sexually insatiable to content. My vibrator comes out a few times a month, but by and large, my libido has calmed down. Now that your libido is calming down, you can look around and judge these men by their characters and not their dick size. Welcome to the next part of your journey.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have to agree with Maggie. I was about to write something very similar. My libido is much calmer than a few years ago but nowhere near gone. It’s just not as “important” as I thought it was. Having love in one’s life is.

      Liked by 2 people

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