I have known Bennett for 9 months now, longer than I dated Bobby. Somehow, time with Bennett creeps by while time with Bobby seemed to always be like the sands racing through the hourglass against time. I never really feel that way about Bennett, perhaps because it’s me who has to leave Bennett and not the other way around.
I made the decision to date Bobby because I was desperate to find one steady sexual partner. I hit the jackpot with him and found out just how much fun and crazy great sex could be.
I was so worried when it ended with Bobby that I went through a bunch a sex with men I could care less about, even ending up crying most of the time after the encounters, before I realized I really needed a break from the emotional roller coaster. I remained pretty scared about not having consistent sex for quite some time – all the way through to last July.
I met Bennett last June, so he was in the picture by then and eventually, by end of August, became the only man I was having sex with. Sex is fantastic with Bennett and I didn’t feel any drive to seek out others.
Now that things are mostly over with Bennett, I find myself wondering why I don’t feel the same drive I felt just a year ago. I don’t think it’s necessary to chase sexual partners for casual sex and I am entirely uninterested in random encounters, or sex without the couple-ship.
I suppose it’s because Bennett filled my emotional cup to overflowing. I was grateful to be loved by a man who could also fill all my sexual needs. I never feel threatened by Bennett leaving me (of course I feel sad, but not threatened) so I’m sure that adds something to the equation as well. Sex with Bennett was “just-right.” It had all the components I needed.
I wonder if it’s holding me back from exploration. But, on the other hand – have I done enough exploration? Have I experienced enough sexual craziness not to want to do it again unless it’s with a more serious partner?
I think so. I think I have surprised myself about how much I have matured about this point-of-view.
I don’t care about sex with others, though watching or performing could be fun. I have no further desire to attempt a MFM threesome. Curiosity, maybe, but no real desire. I don’t care about more anal sex, sex swings, or crazy activities.
Meeting Bennett settled me sexually in a way I wasn’t before I was separated. I needed these 3 years (and I truly can’t believe it’s been 3 years!!) to go a little crazy. I am so glad I did.
I still love a little PDA and would always be up for a quickie somewhere I could get away with it…but I want it to be with someone who really adores me. I want to experience more romantic sex now as well. Making love with Bennett was as much (maybe more) of a turn on as any of the craziness I experienced with Bobby.
I’m certainly not sedate sexually, I still want sex very often and not to be bored, I just want it with a real partner now and I think that’s affecting my dating choices. I am so clear why I would not go on useless second dates with men, or waste my time in text or conversation when it could be a reality. I am clear that men who want to see you will find a way to see you and make time for you, they will make their desire crystal clear.
I have gained a significant amount of weight (my weight is like an elevator) and I think that affects some of my confidence. I need to get back on track, but it’s definitely not holding me back.
Which leads me to the potential of having a new sexual partner in Dave. The first time I had sex outside my marriage was kind of intense, not a lot of time for thinking. But, I recall the next time being more planned out and being much more worried about what was happening. I feel a little like this with Dave because we are moving relatively slowly for me. I can see having sex with him, but I worry about him being the first after Bennett. I feel a little more nervous than I do excited which is a massive change for me. He does turn me on and I am intensely attracted to him so I am sure it won’t be an issue should it come to pass. I’m more worried I will like him more after sex and get stuck in my own damn head the way I have done in the past. I’ve done much better thus far in the dating game, but I know my pitfalls once I get into sexual relations.
I guess we shall see what comes to pass in the next few weeks. I have no confidence in things changing with Bennett and I do miss him terribly, but the anger is creeping in now (which must be a good thing). I have good days and bad days without him.