Date 3 | Update : When You Know They Just Want Sex

It only took me 2.5 years to learn.

That’s not so bad, right?

I was very happy meeting Dave last week.  The date was just as it should be for a first date.  The kiss at the end was spectacular and he even admitted he was sorry he didn’t’ take me to dinner.

It was all good.

The next day he text me at the end of the day to say he was working late, as was I.  At first he said “too bad we can’t meet” and I said the same, spontaneity is so much fun.  I ordered a car and headed home.  It couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes later when he, once again, said he regretted his decision and wished I would have the car stop and drop me off.  I went home.

The next morning he asked me to coffee, but I was unable to meet.

At this point, all signs are pointing in the right direction!  I am confident we can meet again, I can see he is interested, and I haven’t been readily available and eager.  It looks like I’ve done it all right, finally!

But then, Friday night, he starts with….”I want to tell you about a dream I had…” and he does on to explain the detail of taking me on a shopping expedition for lingerie and what happens in the fitting room.

I used to love to play that game, the sex fantasy game.  I used to believe it would get a man excited before our next meeting.  I used to love to engage in it myself because it got me excited.  But, now I am convinced that the minute a man goes down that path he’s only got one thing on his mind.

I also feel awkward doing it now with someone I haven’t already had sex with.  I did have lots of fun in the past, but I am entirely over it now.  I find it very hard to extricate myself from a conversation that has taken a turn like this….without sounding like a complete dullard.  I didn’t’ encourage the conversation, but I couldn’t quite find the opening to stop it completely.  I tried making a joke or two that I had such an impact on him and his answer was “yes! your kiss knocked me off my feet and your’e all I can think about now!”  When he realized I refused to engage, he said “my goal was to turn you on.” I mentioned that I try not to get too carried away without knowing someone well enough and that perhaps after another date things would change.

He said he thought our chemistry was so electric that I felt the same.  I replied that I wanted to get to know him better and give it some time.  He backed down.

I heard from him on and off over the weekend and finally gave him my schedule Sunday night, asking him if he would like to make firm plans for my free nights before I made other plans.  When he got back to me he asked if any of my days were work from home days.

And then the “dream” started again.

This time I stopped immediately saying he could tell me when we met but I was off to bed.

He claims he isn’t all about sex, but his actions are starting to show different.

Now, I am not opposed to having sex with him for fun.  He’s hot and handsome and my type of guy.  It will be a good transition from Bennett to be with someone new.  I think my head is in the right place to be able to have sex.  I’m just bummed out that this is where it’s leading already, and when I didn’t lead it there at all.

In the past, I would have invested myself too much already.  I would have been over analyzing every text and every move.  Now the obvious is, well, obvious.  If he wants sex, that’s fine, but only in a situation when I am comfortable with it.  And that means at least another date.

I am amazed how much more clearly I can now see compared to even a year ago.  While my relationships with Dan (R), Bobby and Bennett were by no means healthy or traditional, I did learn from those experiences…as well as some other calamities along the way like Brix.    With Dan I learned I wanted to have fun again, with Bobby I learned the value of great sex and with Bennett I learned how to truly love again and desire a partner.

My head is in a good space these days overall.




Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

14 thoughts on “Date 3 | Update : When You Know They Just Want Sex”

  1. Hey Madeline,
    There’s just something in what you’re saying here that seems off. Are you really sure you’re not just holding back in conversation with this new guy, because subconsciously you still love and have respect for Bennett? I guess it just seems like a farmilar response to me from relationships I’ve had in the past. So I thought I’d bring it up. This new guy sounds amazing, but it seems like your holding back. Could be you’re wiser now, like you mentioned, or maybe something else? I’m just worried about you is all. It’s frustrating that Bennett is married. He seems like the person you should be with. But maybe if you were with him, he could quite possibly cheat on you like he did his wife. So maybe you’re avoiding something awful down the road by saying goodbye to him. Anyway, these are just my thoughts. I really hope you find the man of your dreams. So hard sometimes being alone. Have an amazing week! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are great thoughts … and I would say that on the first two dates with the other men. I was jaded by Bennett. But Dave pretty much has it all going on and I like him…so I don’t consciously feel like I am holding back. I’m ready to let go of Bennett since he isn’t moving forward.

      I definitely realize that he wants to have sexual conversations. And I love those, but not yet.

      I hope I see him this week and hope it moves forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think there I such a dichotomy in what we are supposed to want. And what we are capable of. And what we have to do in order to achieve them together? You are by no means a prude. You are very open and ready to be loving. But you have to vet and be a gatekeeper and held back your desires so that you can find a dude with enough brain to know there’s a balance to be reached? Ugh. Such turds

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m having the same experience with a few guys wanting to discuss sex but the difference is I haven’t even met them yet. It’s inappropriate. I don’t engage and always change the subject, sometimes saying, “That’s something we can discuss once we know each other better.”

    I shouldn’t be discussing sex with someone I haven’t even had sex with, let alone met in person!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree with you totally. I used to not care and would engage. Now I just don’t want to because I feel like it’s a waste of my time.

      I guess it works for them in the past and that’s why they continue to do so. I know I was gullible.

      The thing is I find him immensely attractive so I would like to flirt some more because I am so attracted to him.!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think you are doing the right thing. I wouldn’t really call your first meeting a date — it was a pretty quick sizing each other up encounter. He’s trying to see how hard he’s going to have to woo you or if you will roll over immediately.

    I think you give him a bit of a tease – “i’m no prude, but I don’t sext with strangers and you, sir, haven’t entered my inner circle”. Sonething to that effect – sorry, I’m tired and words are escaping me.

    Your self-respect is shining thru. You are a high-value woman and a man needs to make some effort to get closer to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Keep doing what you are, you’re on the right track. Gut feelings are usually not wrong. I just don’t get why guys must jump into bed first thing, as if their dick is the one that sizes up the woman, not their brain. Totally inappropriate and ridiculous. At least drinks or dinner and much discussion first! And the “I had a dream” seems like such a bone-headed come-on line to me. He already knows you’re attracted to him!


  6. I’m sort of like a guy on this. After David and I had our first kiss I wanted to jump him and it definitely wasn’t just about sex. His conversations were fun, He was so sweet and naughty. And that jolt….I felt it. I understand your hesitation, but keep an open mind. You are totally right not to get too vested though

    Liked by 2 people

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