I was more anxious about hearing from Bennett the next day than anything. I knew deep in my heart the conversation wouldn’t happen and I sort of knew why.
I didn’t mention in my last post that I said something to him the evening before in his way home that would irritate him. And I knew it.
Was it self-sabotage?
Was I intentionally playing a game?
In hindsight my only answer is I acted irresponsibly. I threw a die and the hand that was roll wasn’t in my favor. I haven’t done enough soul-searching to understand my motivation.
I didn’t think what I said would stop him so maybe it was a test?
He told me he was so thrown off by it he couldn’t concentrate on his intended action of speaking to his wife.
So, I handed him excuse in a way.
I don’t know why he bothered to contact me today. He knew it would be an argument. He knew I would be upset. I told him that was my breaking point as I knew it would be. Had we not started communication again I wouldn’t be expecting the text with “we had the conversation” and I wouldn’t be disappointed in him any more than I had been.
But that’s how it went down.
His claims he is still done with his marriage. I disagree with people who expect him to invest in his marriage again or his wife to even want that. He is not interested in being lovers again, though that doesn’t mean he finally leaves her. He would probably end up cheating or just leaving in the next year or two. What do any of us know, it’s not our marriage. But considering I am closer to it than you are, my opinion is they won’t be rekindling it.
I am not placing the blame on myself for his inability to act. I just gave him one more excuse. And he took the bait, I suppose.
Much like the end of Bobby, I don’t feel anger or regret. Simply, loss. Pure loss. The pain of heartbreak surfaced again but I know it won’t linger. I really don’t think it’s a game for him. He said one thing today that hit the ball home for me…
I said I was disappointed in myself for allowing myself to believe in him.
His reply “I believed in myself.”
I think he did, for a moment. Then he lost his courage. And that’s fine. Fine for Bennett and fine for me.
So that’s the end of that.