No Conversation, No Surprise

I was more anxious about hearing from Bennett the next day than anything. I knew deep in my heart the conversation wouldn’t happen and I sort of knew why.

I didn’t mention in my last post that I said something to him the evening before in his way home that would irritate him. And I knew it.

Was it self-sabotage?

Was I intentionally playing a game?

In hindsight my only answer is I acted irresponsibly. I threw a die and the hand that was roll wasn’t in my favor.   I haven’t done enough soul-searching to understand my motivation.

I didn’t think what I said would stop him so maybe it was a test?

He told me he was so thrown off by it he couldn’t concentrate on his intended action of speaking to his wife.

So, I handed him excuse in a way.

I don’t know why he bothered to contact me today. He knew it would be an argument. He knew I would be upset.  I told him that was my breaking point as I knew it would be. Had we not started communication again I wouldn’t be expecting the text with “we had the conversation” and I wouldn’t be disappointed in him any more than I had been.

But that’s how it went down.

His claims he is still done with his marriage. I disagree with people who expect him to invest in his marriage again or his wife to even want that. He is not interested in being lovers again, though that doesn’t mean he finally leaves her.  He would probably end up cheating or just leaving in the next year or two.   What do any of us know, it’s not our marriage. But considering I am closer to it than you are, my opinion is they won’t be rekindling it.

I am not placing the blame on myself for his inability to act. I just gave him one more excuse. And he took the bait, I suppose.

Much like the end of Bobby, I don’t feel anger or regret. Simply, loss. Pure loss. The pain of heartbreak surfaced again but I know it won’t linger.  I really don’t think it’s a game for him. He said one thing today that hit the ball home for me…

I said I was disappointed in myself for allowing myself to believe in him.

His reply “I believed in myself.”

I think he did, for a moment. Then he lost his courage. And that’s fine. Fine for Bennett and fine for me.

So that’s the end of that.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

27 thoughts on “No Conversation, No Surprise”

  1. I don’t know what you told him, and really, it doesn’t matter. Taking a few steps back, it is really only natural that you would form expectations if he bothered to break no contact with you to let you know that he “was” going to start the conversation. These expectations turn to disappointment which then turn to anger. Its a very natural progression of feelings, and part of me thinks that it is for the best that you expressed that anger, even if it made things feel more raw and ugly in the moment, and gave him a so-called excuse to not follow through. First of all, we know that he probably only needed the flimsiest of excuses (“I’m not wearing the right color shirt!”) to lose his steel. So, indeed, you are not at all responsible for derailing the talk. Bennett is saying that to give himself relief from the immense pain he must be feeling of knowing how thoroughly he has led you on, all because he is too afraid to give up on the dream of having his cake and eating it, too. He is not only losing you, but he has hurt you, and as there is still a part of him that loves you, yet there is a part of him that doesn’t want to take responsibility (much like ASV’s Tony can’t take responsibility for how much he has hurt the two women in his life with his inability to be proactive), in a moment of weakness, he’ll take the smallest reason to turn around and blame it on you. But, I have no doubts that he heard your completely-justified anger. I am so sorry, M. Yes, best to disengage. I hope that he has learned that the only way out of his marriage is to leave you out of it for now.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. It was a terrible excuse. He knows it. He’s scared. I can’t help him and he’s got to do it on his own. I can’t be here with him either and I know that too. I really don’t think he’s intentional. I think he believes in himself. He does know this is his doing and only he can fix it and he does accept responsibility. He knows what he has to do and just can’t do it. He’s got to find his own courage from within.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He’s “scared” because his heart isn’t in leaving his wife or situation. What he’s scared of is the loss of you, because he wants an affair, nothing else. The older men get and are still married, the less likely they will leave what they consider home. Women will get out of a sour or bad marriage before a man of the same age. I recently read an article that even discussed that fact. It basically said “Silver” women are leaving long term marriages at huge rates.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I know you are firm in your belief that he must be having sex and still in a relationship with is wife, or even in love with his wife. I am virtually certain this is not true.

        Scared to break up his family, scared to let people down, scared to lose the dream he has always believed in – yes. And, scared to lose me too.

        He isn’t proposing we continue an affair, he only says he needs to start the conversation with his wife. While he does communicate with me, we haven’t been with one another in weeks. He knows the emotional part won’t continue either.

        He may stay, that’s fine. I just disagree that he is staying because he is in love with his wife.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. M, it’s OK that you don’t believe me. Actually i’m not asking you to. But, since he’s so scared to break up his family, that means he has a lot of loving there. If he really wanted to be with you lock, stock and barrel, then none of that would make a difference in his decision making.
        If you believed he couldn’t do it, then what would be the reason you’ve held onto him so long? Or the Idea of him? Enough so that you are now depressed and hurt because of him and his lack commitment to your and his relationship? I say shame on him!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Please, take care of YOU. We can send our encouragement, and it is real, but we can not reach thru the ether to soothe your soul. PLEASE take the steps to insure you are healing. Only then can you continue on your journey.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. It figures. I don’t know exactly what you said or how it went down, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need an excuse “not to act.” That is total bullshit and makes me mad. Hopefully you can get past him and move on to something better and more accessible. You deserve more than he can do. (At least right now.)

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m sorry. It really is disappointing. I wish he wasn’t such a wuss. Much like I hated Tony’s wussy-ness. Take care of you and continue to do nice things for yourself. You know what Whitney said – the greatest love of all… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I earnestly hope neither of you reaches out to each other again. Maybe I should have said, I hope neither of you contact each other again. It can only lead to further heartache and grief/sorrow. As much as he says he loves you (and I think he thinks he does) it’s not enough until and unless he proves it. Talk is cheap and hurtful at this point, unless he is talking to his wife. He is not a man, he is a child who can only run to you crying “I almost did it, but I was afraid.”

    I’m so sorry. As others have written, please do what it takes to heal and please yourself at this important juncture of your life. Find a pleasing path, then skip down it with as much joy as you can muster. You deserve it!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Well that’s pretty much it. His telling me that he planned to and then didn’t crossed my patience line. If he does he can reach out. If he doesn’t then I move on. He convinced me he was serious so I do believe him and am going on my interactions with him.

      Like

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