Has The Conversation Started?

Bennett reached out last week and we spoke about maintaining no contact.  I am doing better than I expected based on my history, but I do admit that when he contacts me a few times in a row I get sucked in. 

At some point he explained to me he planned to speak to his wife on Wednesday. Waiting for a specific family/kid event to pass and then it would be the next night. 

I knew the minute he told me it was a mistake. As much as I tried not to focus on Wednesday I could tell my thoughts would drift back there. 

I’ve been keeping busy with random dates and friends. I made sure I had plans every night the past week just to ensure I didn’t fall into a trap of wanting to see him.  

After I arrived home Wednesday there was another text.  It wasn’t happening because she had friends over and they were drinking too much. 

I asked if he planned to do it this week and his answer was “that’s my plan.”  

And we went back to not speaking. 

I didn’t get a text from him last night or this morning so my immediate thought is he didn’t speak to her. 

I realize how crappy it was for him to break no contact and tell me when he planned the conversation. I just think he’s so desperate to keep me in his life that he wants to prove he will move himself forward.  I feel it too. 

But in the meantime, no word sucks. 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

33 thoughts on “Has The Conversation Started?”

  1. Oh, man. When does a break-up ever go by plan? I would say, close to never. Also, how often do we find, when push comes to shove, that we just *can’t* follow through with a tough decision (like a break-up) and we default to keeping the status quo? Hopefully, not always, but probably more likely than we can admit. You seem to understand that this is the kind of situation where Bennett can’t be expected to keep his word on a specific plan of execution, and perhaps not at all with following through. But, it still hurts that he set up your expectations this week. You can’t put that caca back in the mule. You can be mad and hurt, but you know, bigger picture, that Bennett isn’t the first person to be totally paralyzed in a situation like this. He is not ready to let go of either situation because he is living in a state of fear. You can have compassion for this, but be firm with him with how he handles you. Can you ask him for absolutely no contact unless he really starts the ball rolling with ending his marriage? You will have to sit down and figure out for yourself how far that ball needs to be rolling before you feel safe being in contact again; if I were in your shoes, him just starting the talk wouldn’t be enough. When he starts the talk with her, it is going to be an amazing opportunity for them to pull back the curtain on their own relationship, and they can make use of that by talking honestly, at which point, they may chose to commit to really fixing things on a more honest level. It may be that they need to talk, perhaps explore couples therapy, and then only if after a couple of months they feel clear that separation is the best choice, that he can then get back in touch with you.

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    1. I totally agree. I’m having trouble understanding why you ask for no contact when you are willing to actually have contact with him. Why have a conversation about not having conversations? Just don’t HAVE the conversations. If he reaches out — ignore it. If he sends you flowers — don’t acknowledge it. If he texts or calls you – ignore them (or better yet, block him). No contact should mean no contact. It seems you’ve let him know when contact would be acceptable — when he has spoken to his wife and started the divorce process. When you keep responding when he reaches out, it is a positive reinforcement to his negative behavior — a sign to him that you’re not really serious about cutting things off – that he can get his “fix” of you one way or another. As long as that possibility is on the table (whether it’s real or not) he’s going to continue doing what he’s doing.

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      1. I blame myself for sending mixed messages that confuse him enough not to have the conversation with her. When we are in no contact his conviction grows stronger because he misses me and I really need to keep it at that so he can’t have both things.

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    2. …exactly! And let’s be honest, the road to divorce takes forever.

      If I were you, I would tell Bennet to only contact you once he has filed for divorce. Talk is cheap and a lot can happen after simply having a ‘talk’ with his wife.

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      1. Yup…heck, it’s 2.5 years for me and CEO and I still think of him every single day. If it wasn’t love, I wouldn’t still be thinking of him this long after. So I get it. Falling in love screws everything up. The situation is way different once that happens.

        Liked by 1 person

    3. You’re right, it won’t (and didn’t) go smoothly or as planned. I wish he hadn’t contacted me and I wish I hadn’t caved. It’s simply creating more frustration in me and distancing me from him and I don’t think he sees that. In any case, I am doing ok and keeping busy, just trying to maintain my end of the no contact.

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  2. I don’t think I have anything to add to the above. He’s really working on one thing for sure – and that’s keeping you on the line. That’s the only thing you can truly count on.

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  3. Not cool of him at all to give you those expectations.. 😦 I hope he does talk to her, and fast. There is a danger that days turn into weeks, turn into months.. Keeping my fingers crossed that he follows through. Meanwhile, I am with the others here, there should be no further contact now, until he contacts you to tell you that it is done. If he waits more than one week more to do it, he will also have to face the fact that he risks losing you. You are a catch and someone else could come along and sweep you off your feet!
    💜🌹

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, it could turn into that, and in that case, I will have let go completely. Maybe he doesn’t understand the damage this is doing to any opportunity for us to have a longer term relationship, maybe it’s just cold feet, maybe its something else. I don’t know and I am trying my best to balance what feels right to me.

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  4. Let’s say he starts the conversation with her. She will likely be broadsided. She will have grounds to argue that before there’s any talk of separation or dissolving the marriage, that they get a chance to work through their problems. She gets to have her say. She gets to hear him out. It may give them an opportunity to be honest about what isn’t working, and Bennett could well see in that moment that his affair with you was primarily an escape from hard work he was afraid to face with his wife. There are no guarantees once he starts the conversation of what direction the ball will keep rolling, especially if they both want to do the hard work. For this reason, its primarily important for you to protect yourself and not just wait for him. Keep doing what you are doing – living your own life as if he had no investment in it. You will be happier, even if he does come back. It’s better for you that he starts the ball rolling, though, as it will finally get things moving out of limbo. He will either become available, or he won’t.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I whole heartedly agree with this!! His wife is going to want a chance to work on things and if Bennett is half the man we are supposed to think he is, he is going to grant his wife that chance and try.

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    2. I do agree that she will be blindsided by this conversation in the sense that she expected to stay in limbo forever. This is my opinion based on what I know. He won’t entertain working on the relationship because it’s dead already. There comes a point where you know things won’t change and begin to accept it and Bennett is at that point. But you are correct in saying there are no guarantees for anything.

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      1. You are so correct! If both of the parties in a couple are not willing to work on the relationship, then it’s worthless to even try. So if he truly is correct, then he should be able to just tell her. He’s not responsible for how she takes the news, she’s responsible for her own reaction…

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