Quick post because I don’t have time, but I do have enough time to send a text and I am trying to avoid that.
Received and email today from Bennett – interesting choice on his behalf that it wasn’t a text or call – which said:
I’m dying a slow death….however I’m determined to deliver a progress report shortly….and I know I’m breaking protocol but I don’t care
I haven’t replied, but boy is my heart itching to reply.
Where are all my cheerleaders?!
I do have a first date tonight, and then a new one for next Friday. Both mature, well-established and very communicative….both good starts. Let’s hope I like them to take my mind off Bennett and his progress, or lack thereof.
My only concern, which is not overriding my ability to go on a date, but the thought is there: if I start dating, or even having sex, I know Bennett will be terribly upset with me. If I was in his shoes, and in his situation, I know I would be thinking “does she really love me that she couldn’t wait for me?” While I know most of you here will simply say “he’s married! he can’t have expectations!” I get it, I know it. But I also know him better than you and I know this is what he will think simply because it’s what I would think.
And, maybe, just maybe the inkling of a thought crept into my mind that this is why he’s trying to communicate with me…because he knows I am getting ready to date, he knows I’m on the dating apps and it’s just a matter of time. He’s desperate to ensure I don’t turn away from him. Because, I really believe, once I do turn away – there is no going back.
And maybe that’s why I hang on so long to these men, because I hope beyond a reasonable hope that they will come to their senses and realize what they have with me. I know that makes me sound like I am full of myself, but I do think that. I do know that what Bennett and I share is unique for so many reasons, and maybe he finally realizes how bleak life will be without me.