Manipulation?

I am so busy at work I have little time to think and it’s a great part of why I don’t write.  But, sometimes I have a thought that just feels better writing it and moving on.  I notice when I write I can feel the tension flooding out into my fingers and the keyboard.  I think that’s a good thing not to hold it in.

In the early evening I returned to my desk after a long day and there was a massive bouquet of beautiful flowers.  I knew the moment I saw them that they were from Bennett as he knows exactly what I like and how much I adore fresh flowers on my desk.

The card was handwritten by Bennett, which means he was in the area to drop the flowers (or at least order them from the florist).  The card said:

“A love like ours could never die, as long as I have you near me”

Bennett always includes a song lyric from songs he has recorded for me, but this is one song I have yet to receive from him so I had to look up the lyrics to this one.  The Beatles are his favorite musicians.

I haven’t been crying much, but those flowers did it today and tears welled up and spilled over when I read the card.  Normally they would send me right to the phone to say thank you (as I did on Valentine’s Day) but today I hesitated.  I talked it over with the girls at work and they said not to call him.  I sent the photo to two friends and they said not to call him.

All of them said he was being manipulative when I said no contact.

I hate to think he is being purposefully manipulative.  It’s easier to think that he is as heartbroken as I am and feels this is the only way he can show me.

I didn’t call or write to thank him, which does make me feel guilty.  I know the right thing to do is to continue the no contact until he has something of value to share with me – which can only be that he has spoken to his wife.  This is the longest we’ve gone with no contact – 6 days – so I am still resilient at this moment.

But giving in to him makes no sense to me….he wants to speak to me and thank him.  Or maybe he’s happy enough knowing I would be thrilled with the flowers?

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

24 thoughts on “Manipulation?”

  1. Don’t break the plan. No matter what his motivations are, which could be a simple as he just feels what he feels and can’t help but share them in some meaningful way without “really” breaking the no-contact rule. I’m not going to make the assumption that he’s being manipulating. Maybe he is, maybe he is not. But the fact remains, he DOES care about you. What he does about it is another story. 🙂 You’re doing well. Keep it up. xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Noooo – don’t give M an opportunity to even consider breaking the No Contact rule!!!

      It’s lovely he sent you flowers, but you aren’t obligated to even thank him. People can do nice things with no expectation of thanks/contact. Put the flowers in that category and keep moving along.

      Hugs!!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Not even a note saying, ” Thanks. Let me know when you’ve taken the steps necessary to move forward.”?
        This might acknowledge the gift and reinforce the boundaries.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wouldn’t have done the IG thing. Would have just said “I received the flowers thank you, but please honor my request for no contact until you’ve moved forward.”
    You then let him know you’ve received them (but of course he knows) and reinforced your stance and not opened up the conversation.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I can’t agree – with M’s track record of backtracking once contact is made, the IG was a far better approach. I write this with nothing but love. I think M is realizing her vulnerabilities when it comes to the No Contact rule and is taking a smart approach. 1-on-1 contact could easily lead her back down the rabbit hole of increased contact. I think M handled the situation beautifully. Kudos!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks Maggie! I strongly felt I needed to let him know I was happy about the flowers but have to maintain separation. He will understand because he is so much like me. If I didn’t do something he would call or show up here again. This was safer.

        Like

      2. Yeah it’s a good point you raise. I guess I just see the way the IG was posted as sending a message that the door is still open, therefore leading to more contact / outreach. But just depends which is easier to stay strong with.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Aw, that is so tricky! I believe that its desperate manipulation, not malignant manipulation. He’s hurting and no-contact is sucking for him, so he broke down and did the thing that he knew would also make your resolve melt a little. It’s normal, but its an opportunity to kindly reinforce the NC boundary, as ASV suggests. What about the flowers, themselves? Is it hard to have them on your desk and do the real work of NC, which is to slowly but surely reclaim the mental real estate that this person has held on you? If so, would moving the flowers help? You wouldn’t need to throw them away… maybe move them to a common space at work so that everyone can enjoy them?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes I would
      Like to believe that he isn’t being mean and it’s simply heartbreak.

      When I got the flowers yesterday I moved them to my conference area exactly as you thought! They don’t upset me or redirect me today. They are very beautiful and make me smile.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Does having such a reminder make it harder to move on and give a new prospective suitor a full chance to capture your heart? Are you ready?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. No. I don’t think I will be “over him” for some time in any case. So at the moment I am just trying to get back into the swing of things. It’s still just a week of no contact. And 6 weeks after I made the actual decision. I know I need more time.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Stay strong…this will only go on for as long as you allow. You won’t be easy for him to replace….and you will move on long before he will find another mistress this kind of connection if at all. He knows this and is missing you and struggling with letting you go. He has made his choice to remain married and he needs to live with that.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I can’t add anything that’s abreast been said. I agree that he sent the flowers out of his own despair. NC is brutal and he misses you. But…he’s not yours. And you understand that. So- date those who are available and if this is meant to be, he will one day be available. But until then…

    Liked by 2 people

  7. He wants to just keep having his cake and eating it too with the affair. He knows and has always known that he will never leave his wife. You have to stay strong and stay away from him

    Like

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