Reality 

The no contact faltered but we finally (both) reached a point where we knew it was wrong.

He didn’t like the inevitable pain it was causing me and I was beginning to be almost as unhappy as I was happy when with him. When I am upset he is very distressed.   And seeing his distress or sadness just makes it all that much harder.

We finally agreed, together, that we had to part for “good.”   In his mind, he sees a future for us.  In my mind, I have to act as though there is no future or I will hope too much and remain stuck. I still fear once I convince myself to disconnect from him entirely there will be no going back for me. Now I have to convince myself that the fear is irrelevant.  I must move forward.

The last text he sent after our serious conversation was interesting. Watching him own up to his mistakes is impressive to me, regardless of if he stays in his situation or not.  This is why I love him so, I believe he listens and changes and doesn’t remain mired in his own beliefs.  He allows influence, and adapts.

I’m off to travel and while I am sad, I welcome the diversion for a week.

Here’s his last text:

I’ve spent the majority of the day reflecting on our conversations during the night. Specifically, the fact that you’re right. At the end of the day I’m both a liar and a cheat and have been behaving that way for the last 7 months. No way around it. It’s true and I’m rather ashamed no matter how much energy I put into defending and justifying. 

You’re also right in fearing whether that behavior will continue once my situation is resolved. 

I don’t think it will but I can’t say that because obviously I’m capable of doing it and quite often. 

It’s also clear that you deserve to be with someone who won’t exhibit that behavior. 

I’m so thankful and happy that you came into my life. You’ve made me a better person (despite my obvious faults) and allowed me to experience full love, which had been missing for so many years 

I hope I get a second chance once my smoke clears but understand it when you say that once you moved on, that’s it. 

I will always love you. Today, tomorrow and beyond. You’ll always be my girl in my heart of hearts and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and if it’s meant to be, it will be. 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

8 thoughts on “Reality ”

  1. ‘Show me, don’t tell me’ Owning up to such behaviours is a very different beast to committing to change behaviours. Do not get sucked in by pretty words and lip service. If he calls you in 12 months are separating and getting a divorce….then he will have demonstrated commitment to you. Until then, he may be secretly hoping you keep returning ( a la the ASV and Tony situation)

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think he was pretty rattled by how unlike myself I am because of him. He would be very worried about potentially hurting me in any way and I think he does realize what he is doing. (Staying in contact) is a true hardship for me. I’m not sucked in. I’m
      Really not.

      Liked by 2 people

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