A Title Eludes me

It’s strange to me how, when you have been blogging for close to 2 years, that experiences somehow start to form the words of the post in your mind.  When I had the time, I was able to capture all of these thoughts and get them down and out quickly, even in real-time.  Now I don’t have the time, energy or even motivation to dedicate to the blog…but my head still thinks of life moments as titles to blog posts.  Makes me laugh sometimes.

Today a title eluded me, however.

I’m a jumble of things at the moment.  Entirely overwhelmed at work, but not complaining, just trying to figure it all out.  The frustration is creeping in of the inability to move as fast as I would like.  I’m sure it will all work out, but I am consumed.  I love it though.  I love throwing myself into projects like this.  Process, people, product…all the things that make me tick.  I am so blessed with this role.

My kids are making me crazy.  Maybe no crazier than usual, but still crazy.  Their life is so good and they have no idea.  I’m too busy to devote much attention to my older kids at the moment, but the youngest still seeks me out in the quiet moments of the nights or weekends…even if it’s just to have a little chat about the newest YouTube video he’s found.  I’m sure we will find out way once my schedule balances out a little more.  I hope so.

Of course, the most pressing emotional thing on my mind is Bennett.  The short story of the past week or so is that we reconnected and quickly fell back into a normal cadence.  It lasted a few days, we slept together twice, and then I said I couldn’t do it.  Clearly, concisely and with love….I said we are not to be in contact until something changes in his situation.

It’s too easy just to stay with him and ignore the frustrations I felt apart from him, because when I’m with him, it feels fucking fantastic.  It’s all the in-between I can’t manage.

Here’s the thing: I believe, strongly, that he believes he will make a change.  I really do think he believes it.  When we met this past Monday, for a drink in a public place, he could barely hold himself together.  I can see the pain in his heart expressed across his face, I know this hurts him.  He is not the type of man to cry, and he has admitted to crying.  I truly cannot face that pain because it’s too much of a reflection of my own.  We each need to go through this without the other for support.

He has asked me many times now exactly what he “needs to do” in order to either speak to me or see me again.    At first I thought he was looking for a set of rules or some guidance, but I think he has finally arrived at the point where he is saying out loud to himself, articulating his reality.

I know he’s frightened to death, I can see the fear.  This upsets me.  it upsets me because he is breaking up a seemingly intact family (should he move forward) and I do think there will be a lot of heartbreak and difficulty for all involved. In a way, I think we all bench other people’s situation against our own experiences, but his separation experience will be nothing like mine.  I have said it before and I will say it now, I am unsure if I could break up his family (if it were mine) because I found love.

It is also the first time I have true empathy for his wife because I believe she will be blindsided and unprepared, according to what I know of her through him.  I don’t like feeling, in any way, responsible for this – even though I know I am not.  His reasons for leaving his marriage are his own and I may only be a catalyst.

So now we start round 2 of no contact.  I have my phone on mute notifications for him so I don’t keep looking at every ding of the text message.  I leave this weekend for another business trip and will be preoccupied, which is very good for me.  We made it through 5 days, so I’m hoping for much longer this time, so we both have time for healing.

I have no question within myself how much I love him and how strongly I believe we could be good for one another.  He is a rare man and I have learned so much from my time with him.    Where Bobby excited me beyond my limits, Bennett brought me back to earth and reminded me I can have both sensuous excitement and the stability of every day life.   Bennett showed me where I want to be in a realistic fashion, showed me what every day love, passion and friendship could look like.  He reminded me of my core, which I was all ready to give up in the Bobby relationship.

I like what I found with Bennett and I like who I am becoming.  I am in a very good place in my life and, even if it took me almost 50 years to get here, I am grateful for the paths that led here, even when they were bumpy.

I think I have finally learned a little better how to take care of myself first.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me. View all posts by Madeline Harper