It’s strange to me how, when you have been blogging for close to 2 years, that experiences somehow start to form the words of the post in your mind. When I had the time, I was able to capture all of these thoughts and get them down and out quickly, even in real-time. Now I don’t have the time, energy or even motivation to dedicate to the blog…but my head still thinks of life moments as titles to blog posts. Makes me laugh sometimes.
Today a title eluded me, however.
I’m a jumble of things at the moment. Entirely overwhelmed at work, but not complaining, just trying to figure it all out. The frustration is creeping in of the inability to move as fast as I would like. I’m sure it will all work out, but I am consumed. I love it though. I love throwing myself into projects like this. Process, people, product…all the things that make me tick. I am so blessed with this role.
My kids are making me crazy. Maybe no crazier than usual, but still crazy. Their life is so good and they have no idea. I’m too busy to devote much attention to my older kids at the moment, but the youngest still seeks me out in the quiet moments of the nights or weekends…even if it’s just to have a little chat about the newest YouTube video he’s found. I’m sure we will find out way once my schedule balances out a little more. I hope so.
Of course, the most pressing emotional thing on my mind is Bennett. The short story of the past week or so is that we reconnected and quickly fell back into a normal cadence. It lasted a few days, we slept together twice, and then I said I couldn’t do it. Clearly, concisely and with love….I said we are not to be in contact until something changes in his situation.
It’s too easy just to stay with him and ignore the frustrations I felt apart from him, because when I’m with him, it feels fucking fantastic. It’s all the in-between I can’t manage.
Here’s the thing: I believe, strongly, that he believes he will make a change. I really do think he believes it. When we met this past Monday, for a drink in a public place, he could barely hold himself together. I can see the pain in his heart expressed across his face, I know this hurts him. He is not the type of man to cry, and he has admitted to crying. I truly cannot face that pain because it’s too much of a reflection of my own. We each need to go through this without the other for support.
He has asked me many times now exactly what he “needs to do” in order to either speak to me or see me again. At first I thought he was looking for a set of rules or some guidance, but I think he has finally arrived at the point where he is saying out loud to himself, articulating his reality.
I know he’s frightened to death, I can see the fear. This upsets me. it upsets me because he is breaking up a seemingly intact family (should he move forward) and I do think there will be a lot of heartbreak and difficulty for all involved. In a way, I think we all bench other people’s situation against our own experiences, but his separation experience will be nothing like mine. I have said it before and I will say it now, I am unsure if I could break up his family (if it were mine) because I found love.
It is also the first time I have true empathy for his wife because I believe she will be blindsided and unprepared, according to what I know of her through him. I don’t like feeling, in any way, responsible for this – even though I know I am not. His reasons for leaving his marriage are his own and I may only be a catalyst.
So now we start round 2 of no contact. I have my phone on mute notifications for him so I don’t keep looking at every ding of the text message. I leave this weekend for another business trip and will be preoccupied, which is very good for me. We made it through 5 days, so I’m hoping for much longer this time, so we both have time for healing.
I have no question within myself how much I love him and how strongly I believe we could be good for one another. He is a rare man and I have learned so much from my time with him. Where Bobby excited me beyond my limits, Bennett brought me back to earth and reminded me I can have both sensuous excitement and the stability of every day life. Bennett showed me where I want to be in a realistic fashion, showed me what every day love, passion and friendship could look like. He reminded me of my core, which I was all ready to give up in the Bobby relationship.
I like what I found with Bennett and I like who I am becoming. I am in a very good place in my life and, even if it took me almost 50 years to get here, I am grateful for the paths that led here, even when they were bumpy.
I think I have finally learned a little better how to take care of myself first.
Have a lovely trip!
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Thanks Oceans!
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Like like like!! You sound clear and intact.
Funny what you said about forming posts – I have more “titles” than posts. =D
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Thanks Tara – I am definitely in a different place than I was last year…so that’s good. No heartbreak is easy, but learning how to take care of myself first was an important lesson this time around.
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So glad you’re doing it! Some people say, there are no accidents. Which I tend to believe most of the time, unless something pisses me off. However, the point is, I believe things happen exactly as they’re supposed to.
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You are much more articulate then I was describing a similar frustration about work etc. I know about life being busy but sometimes you feel like its flowing around with out you. Best of luck!
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Thanks for the compliment – I tend to think I undersell my frustrations when I write because I am so direct. I would love to be able to illustrate pulling my hair out of my head! lol
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Oh I am sure you can do it! 🙂
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I’m glad you’re being clear with your needs.
I think I’m in the minority here… but it would be a huge red flag to me that he’s not only cheating on his wife, but that he is content enough with his marriage that his wife will be blindsided. The dishonesty would not sit well with me at all.
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I’m with you on that one…
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I don’t disagree with you. That bothers me. On he other hand, I don’t think humans are perfect. I could have cheated on my husband for a long time before he ever thought something was off in our marriage. My x was also blindsided that I had made a decision to leave – but perhaps less so because we fought and had a contentious relationship. They don’t fight. They agree on parenting styles and family priorities. They have just gone their separate ways and don’t have sex. I always believe the truth is somewhere in the middle.
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I agree, too. However, I think it says a lot about his character that he’s not being truthful with his wife. If you ever find yourself in a committed relationship with him in the future, it’s likely he’d do the same with you.
I too could have cheated on my husband but I chose not to. I think it’s morally wrong and I’m not the type to live a facade. Eventually, I did tell him I was considering going outside the marriage for sex because it was something I needed and wasn’t getting it from him. I never did but we did briefly discuss moving to an open marriage before ultimately deciding to split.
I’m simply saying I would be extremely concerned about being in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t value honesty.
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If they’ve gone their separate ways and don’t have sex anymore, why isn’t he just honest with her? Or at least decide that they have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?
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I have been away for way too long…and haven’t talked to you much. I need to catch up. xoxo
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I disagree with everyone about how it is. I was in a 19 year marriage and I knew stuff was bad but when I realized he quit loving me a long time ago I was blindsided.
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I can see how much it hurts when you get blindsided. I think we all accept different realities.
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