After Bennett called last week, we did continue speaking in a very ad hoc way. There has been no rhyme or reason to our contact.
I wasn’t reaching out first but I did reply after a while. Some days we spoke, some we didn’t, until we started back with regularity this week.
My frustration with our situation hasn’t changed, nor has communicating it to him. But, he seems to be in a worse way than I am. I think today was the first day he sent a typical “good morning” text.
I miss him, of course I miss him, but the situation is the same. I don’t think speaking to him is helping or hindering me at this point because I know that unless the situation changes I can’t be with him any longer. Talk is cheap at this point. I never thought I would hear myself say that to be quite honest.
I know staying with him is fruitless until he makes a move, any move, to end his marriage.
He is literally sick over our ending, as was I this weekend, but I have really tried to resort my focus on my job and throw myself into it at this point. Even my kids are getting neglected as I wear myself out here at work. This may not be the “right” way to handle this break-up but it’s something I can control and be successful at….and I need that now.
Tears come and go, it all depends on when the wave of grief hits. He has asked to speak to me face-to-face and I agreed. I want to be with him, so that will be a challenge for me….the physical connection is so strong with me and it’s what I have resorted to in the past. I am trying not to allow that to happen this time.
While I know it “shouldn’t matter” to me how he feels, I still do. Hearing the pain in his voice is awful, knowing he is miserable is hard, but none of it makes me want to change my mind. I wish he had someone he could trust and talk to, no matter what the resolution, but he believes no one will really understand how he feels about me.
My head is in a whole different place this time, I am fighting for myself. Maybe it’s a slow process, but its working for me. I need to hold steady.