The First Post-Breakup Conversation

It started out awkwardly as you can guess.  What do we share, what do we say, what’s right or wrong and how do we not hurt the other?

Then his voice goes through me like a bullet because I’m in love with this man.

Interestingly enough, I left the conversation certain I have made the right decision.  I felt the depth of longing when I heard his voice, tears fell during some of his words, but his absence of certainty about his future remained and that’s what’s keeping me grounded this time.  I can love him and he can love as much as we want, but the situation must change for that love to have legs.

For the first time, he apologized to me. I could hear the sorrow in his voice and it meant something to me – I heard something I didn’t know I needed to hear.  His apology meant the world to me for reasons I haven’t yet uncovered. He said he was sorry he got us both here, to a place where he causes so much hurt and pain.  He said he was careless with my heart.  He said for all the love I have given to him that he has returned it the worst way possible.

He admitted he can’t change.  He called himself a coward.

Maybe I just needed to hear that he understood his responsibility in all of this.  I can hear the anguish in his voice when he finally admitted to how debilitated and broken he has been the past 5 days (and oh how I know exactly what he’s talking about).  He couldn’t describe his feelings except to say it was like the worst grief he ever experienced.  I had a hard time hearing some of that because I recall that pain, and maybe even felt some guilt that I won’t allow myself to go there again with him.  But I know, I know what he’s feeling.

I’m not saying I don’t feel it too…the conversation unleashed what was sitting dormant for 5 days and I felt my heart breaking within my chest.  Ah, there it is, that familiar heartbreaking pain from last year. It sucks.  It’s awful.  It’s like a massive hole opens within me.

I think I needed to hear the words from him.   I am a Words of Affirmation person (despite the Christmas gift debacle!) and these words let me hear “I mattered” and “I made a difference” and “no matter what happens, I will always love you.”    I remember trying to pull these words from Bobby and I couldn’t get them.  And I recall how much of hurt me to think I was irrelevant or dreamed up the love we shared.  Bennett’s affirmation resonated with me.

He said many good things and I still hear “I don’t know what I can do”.  He didn’t attempt to pull me back or make any promises.  He acknowledged that he is living without me until he makes a change.  He still said he has no life without me and he can’t go on this way.  At that point I reminded him that the power is his.  He knows.

He asked me if speaking to him hurt me any more or less and while it doesn’t hurt, I explained that as much I want to hear how he loves and misses me, it’s only keeping us both in a place we cannot stay.

He will respect my wishes.

How can I explain that as much as I need him to stop contact, I do want to know he misses me and loves me.  It’s unbalanced, a dichotomy, I know.  But that’s probably no more than the head and heart battling it out.  We both know the right thing is no contact.  I can’t penalize him for reaching out because I reached right back.  But I am not sliding back into communication or relationship with him, I will not.

The conversation was a good one.  I realize I will talk to him again at some point, but I don’t know when.  I also see how the desire to talk to him will fade with no ultimate resolution and the last thing I want to do is create the frustration I created with Bobby at the end.  Bobby was very patient and kind trying to make me let go while he went back to his marriage and I refused to listen to him.   This time I am listening to Bennett say he doesn’t know what, if anything, he can do.    As much as I love talking to him, I don’t need the small talk.

It was harder to say goodbye the second time.  Of course I looked for any “in” any break in his pattern that indicated there should be hope, but he didn’t give me any other than to reaffirm his love for me and how I have changed his life.  He has a thousand reasons to stay and only one to leave, and I know he will always choose to stay and take care of his responsibility.  Much like ASV, I feel bad for his wife, having no idea or not caring that her (married) life is a staged show on his behalf.

Lucky for me my friends have kept me full and busy and banded around me. Between the girls and work, I don’t have down time.  But today finally took its toll and I needed to stay home from work and just be broken.  I need to cry, I need to absorb it and stop pushing the feelings down.  The only way I am going to move on is to accept it.

 

Sidenote: he mentioned he stopped following me on Insta because it creates too much pain.  Clearly he is smarter than many of us where his emotional well-being is concerned.

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

10 thoughts on “The First Post-Breakup Conversation”

  1. “…His. Live goes through me like a bullet because I’m in love with this man. ”

    What a powerful heart wrenching sentence! You are amazing! Better days are ahead, but if you want an unattached man you’ve got to drop these married men like a hot potato, as soon as you find out they are married. So sad many men fool women by starting out telling them that they are single or separated.

    Like

  2. Going no contact is so hard, and it’s completely natural that you would want to hear and know how much he misses you and still loves you. I am glad to see that he didn’t try to pull you back in or give you hope. As unhappy as he says he is in his marriage he is obviously getting something out of it, enough to stay. I hope you are able to hold to no contact until your heart begins to heal. It’s hard, and will take time, but you are strong enough to make it through.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Sassy. I didn’t hold to it for 2 days but I just stopped answering text again, so he has stopped as well again. He has a good life and it’s fulfilling. He just doesn’t have romance and love in his marriage, but they are good parents and friends. Even I think it’s a lot to ask someone to leave behind and had my marriage been as complacent as his it would have been hard to leave for love alone.

      I picked myself up and I’m back on the wagon so to speak. If I can do 5 days I can do 10 and so on.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. M – keep in mind that he may be funneling other grief into this situation. I don’t mean to diminish both of your feelings, but keep in mind he lost a parent, his marriage is shit and now he lost you. All those things (and probably more we don’t know about) compound his feelings of sadness, loss and isolation. He needs to continue on his journey while you continue on yours — albeit separately. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s