50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

I recognized at some point during the week that I was creating arguments where there should have been none. I was imagining scenarios in my head that just didn’t exist.  I was mad at Bennett for anything and everything.

I knew a few things for sure:

There was no way I could continue like this.  I was constantly angry for no good reason. It was making me unsettled.

It wasn’t fair to him.

I believed he wasn’t ready for change.

We had planned his overnight two weeks ago.  He had gotten some gummies we would try then we would have the entire day together until he head home at a normal after work time.

Little things were turning into big things when we were apart.  I was doing it and I knew it. Maybe, if I was a different kind of person, I could have lasted the month. But I would have crushed us.

The fact that we couldn’t resolve the gift giving issue really disturbs me. Probably more so since I wasn’t compromising with a long-term plan in mind.  I knew deep down the end was coming and I wanted that issue resolved. But the gifts sit in the corner of my room. Unopened. Wasted.

I know I am becoming resentful and that’s not worth my energy. That feeling doesn’t do anyone any good.  I was getting mad he was making plans for his family (kids/brother)  as far out as April but never once mentioned rescheduling our small vacation.  I realized there wasn’t even a point in saying these things to him anymore.  It was like stabbing both of us in the eye over and over and you know how good I can get at self-inflicted pain.  I finally felt that if he wasn’t thinking of it why should I be?

And the only way I could stop this torment is to break it off with him.

I had made the decision over the weekend prior.  He knew I was acting funny and when he kept pressing me for the reason I eventually brought up the gifts as a way to deflect my real reason.

I already knew if I told him it was our “last night” he would never agree to it. I also knew that it’s what I needed, so screw him.  I made the call.  We would be together as planned, have our fun night, and I would come clean the next day when we were quiet and sober and able to have a sincere discussion.

So that’s what we did. We had a great night.  Went to one of our favorite restaurants and laughed and kissed the entire evening.  Came home and tried the gummies and spent the next few hours frolicking in bed.  We were told to take one of these Tiki Killers each and it was way to much for me and I didn’t like the experience when the full high hit. Not for me, won’t be doing that again, but glad I tried with him and home. The night had its ridiculous moments and we had lots of laughs over it the next day.

I love sleeping with Bennett. We rarely part and we just sort of fit together really well.  It’s really something I will miss.

The next morning we had a lovely late breakfast and then hopped back to bed

After a session or ten, we took a break and I started to talk. I asked if he had plans to speak to his wife this month and when there was no answer, or none that was clear, I said it needed to end.

The actual words I used, which are entirely strange: “We need to call it quits, buddy.”  I have no idea why I used my kids nick name, just weird.

Other than asking me if I knew all week that I wanted to break up (I told the truth) and saying he understood, we didn’t actually speak very much about it which also just seemed strange. But we covered all of this ground before so I also think there really wasn’t any more to say anyway.

When I told him I would miss him, he refused to answer me. He told me he couldn’t live without me and that he’s fully addicted to me…..he said he knows this isn’t our last time together.  He said he would never be able to say goodbye to me but he understood why I needed to do what I was doing.  He said the only things he was sure of in his life were his love for me and how he felt while when he was with me.  He didn’t make any promises.  He really said very little.

We made love once more before he left and I held on a little and cried.  I breathed him in. I can only say he looked stricken and pale as he was leaving.

I felt mostly numb and little else.  I napped as soon as he left for at least an hour.

I still can’t believe I did it. That I believed in myself enough to do what’s best for me even if, at this moment, losing someone I love so dearly doesn’t feel very good to me.

I tried to write with as much emotion as I can muster, but it seems my well is dry.  Our time together was wonderful and I simply feel numb and empty right now.  Wondering what the hell just happened to finally give me the courage I needed to stand up for myself and not to feel the desperate draw to contact him.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

32 thoughts on “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”

  1. Well forever it’s worth, I’m glad you respected your wishes and dreams and decided to call off an affair when you wanted something long term with him. Something he has no intention of doing right now. Sure it hurts but you’ll know you made the right decision for number one. I wish you well M. 👍🏼👍🏼

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, Oceans, I did make the right decision for myself this time (isn’t it such a surprise for once! lol)

      He was, without a doubt, someone I could see long term for my life and I couldn’t continue without it after almost 7 months.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well done!! Just like a well-adjusted, normal person – LOL. Now take some Tylenol before the pain starts. You did the right thing for yourself. Congrats! The test will be sticking to your guns and not letting him suck you back into a dead-end relationship. You need to keep a strong resolve that until he MOVES OUT – you cannot be with him.

    Now, eat a couple of bowls of ice cream, watch some mopey chick flicks so you can lick your wounds. I would suggest you enjoy some Me time before you jump back out there in the dating jungle.

    My hugs because eventually the numbness will wear off and you will question your decision.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I do not concur that I am like a well-adjusted normal person in any sense! I would rather be completely cray and beat him senseless until he realized how stupid he is! 😂🤣😂🤣🤣

      Yes, the numbness is scaring me, frankly. Not something I’m
      Used to.

      Like

  3. Aw, M! This is rough. You did something really hard. You are strong. I love you, we al love you. It may feel worse before it feels better. We are all here to spot you. Process the pain however you see fit.

    I think its interesting that Bennett says that he is addicted to you. Many people who are addicts turn to their addiction to escape the pain of their lives and especially the pain in the relationship they have with themselves. Bennett’s family life is a great source of pain for him. There are deep problems there that need fixing if he ever wants true happiness. The first entity he has to look at is himself. He turned to you for comfort and joy…. but in the form of getting a fix. Not to say that seeing you was unhealthy (other than the elephant in the room of the deceit it caused). You and he may well have the makings to have a good relationship, but not in this context. He undoubtedly loves you sincerely, but you are his temporary escape from his pain, not the true path.

    As I learned last year, just because someone like Bennett may be able to get out of their marriage, their binding situation, just because they may then be technically free to be with you, it doesn’t mean that they are ready. A troubled marriage both causes damage to the parties involved, and is a symptom that each party had their own problems that were probably being neglected, each party content to blame the other for their misery. So, even if Bennett does leave his marriage, he will truly need to be on his own, face his own demons, before he can be 100% the stand-up guy you deserve. It will take more than just keeping a low profile from each other. It would mean truly embracing the unknown, that you are over for the time being.

    We know that people historically have had a hard time with being truly alone – and I see men having a harder time with this than women, when it comes to straight relationships. I guess no one is perfect. But, often, those first relationships really amount to nothing more than rebounds. You are worth more than being someone’s rebound.

    You are amazing.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Aww Nich, thank you. I agree with you about the aftermath but haven’t put as much thought into something that hasn’t or might not happen. One step at a time. I can deal with each piece as it falls but since the first piece can’t even fall into place there’s no sense in thinking over the rest. I agree men seem to have a harder time being alone than women – in ok right now alone even if I prefer a man in my life. I hadn’t thought about the rebound but agree on most cases. With Bennett, his lifelong pattern of relationships is very limited…he hasn’t been in many and I don’t think he will seek to change that pattern – but it doesn’t mean it will be me either.

      Like

  4. While you may be firm in your resolve that it is over, it doesn’t sound like Bennett is really believing it. I imagine he is going to keep reaching out to you, trying to draw you back in. No good can come from that, as you know from previous relationships. Be strong!

    Liked by 5 people

      1. Of course he can live without you. That’s only a ploy to keep you in the loop. He’s probably secretly very happy that you did the breaking off so he would not have to do it at the end of the month or keep lying to you.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. No..its not that he can live without you.

        He is waiting you out.

        Unfortunately experience has taught many that these sorts of things don’t usually end at the first break up and he is waiting for you to cave..or he will cave eventually as well.

        Right now he is drawing his strength to not contact you from the knowledge that he cannot make that move unless he is ready to plan to leave his wife..he isn’t going to leave her, so he needs to wait you out.

        I think men rely on the sensitive emotions of women and our many efforts to find ways to let them stay in our lives and beds…whether we try to justify our continued connection by claiming that “he is going to leave his wife some day” or telling ourselves “we are just going to be friends”. He is waiting for you to rationalize why you can still have contact with him and then he will just be going along with what you want…and he won’t be leading you on since it’s you justifying the continued contact.

        We have all done it..said it was over only for it not to be over…said we would just be friends only to fall back into “fuck buddy” status..sacrificing our wants and needs if only to maintain a connection that ultimately still leaves us unsatisfied.

        Stay strong M. In the end you CAN live without him…he is losing out big time.

        Liked by 4 people

      3. OMG! a close friend of mine said EXACTLY the same thing to me today almost verbatim…she thinks he is waiting me out and honestly that never occurred to me!

        Argh. I hate games. The reality is that there’s no sense for me to contact him unless he can make a change. No matter how desperately I miss him.

        Liked by 3 people

  5. I know you told me the ways you think this was different from the cowboy – I don’t think this situation was all that different – what has changed is you. In a good way. Your willingness to accept self-inflicted pain and to keep putting yourself in the path of the train has reduced. Now the key is to keep away from him. No good has come from my interactions with Tony – use me as a reminder 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I guess I have changed. I do think he is a bit different in that I trust his emotion fully – he is just less experienced than Bobby.

      I do agree that any contact makes things worse. I can’t promise it won’t happen but I clearly see your point. As of now I have no desire nor intention to contact him.

      Like

    2. Yes! My comment was going to be a <<>> If watching the Tony saga play out from the sidelines has shown ME anything, it’s that these men who are still wearing the ring (even if figuratively speaking) aren’t going ANYwhere. Which is to say, they aren’t leaving those wives/families, and they aren’t leaving their ladies-on-the-side so long as those ladies are willing to open the door every time they come knocking. It’s the best of both worlds for Them. With the least amount of personal damage or accountability.

      So… Yay YOU! You did it! I’m proud of your resolve, and remember the stages of grief. You’re numb right now, but there’s more emotion coming right behind it. Stay strong and don’t let him back in. I agree that he probably hasn’t accepted it as the end yet. And he won’t, until you stop taking his calls and stop engaging with him.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Ahhhhhh! Wow, good for you! And now… life goes on.
    Will you be able to stay away if he begs you to get together? Remember, the ball’s in your court. He’s the one having his cake and eating it too. He’s got literally nothing to lose. You can do this. You’re truly much stronger than he is. We are all rooting for you!

    Liked by 2 people

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