I recognized at some point during the week that I was creating arguments where there should have been none. I was imagining scenarios in my head that just didn’t exist. I was mad at Bennett for anything and everything.
I knew a few things for sure:
There was no way I could continue like this. I was constantly angry for no good reason. It was making me unsettled.
It wasn’t fair to him.
I believed he wasn’t ready for change.
We had planned his overnight two weeks ago. He had gotten some gummies we would try then we would have the entire day together until he head home at a normal after work time.
Little things were turning into big things when we were apart. I was doing it and I knew it. Maybe, if I was a different kind of person, I could have lasted the month. But I would have crushed us.
The fact that we couldn’t resolve the gift giving issue really disturbs me. Probably more so since I wasn’t compromising with a long-term plan in mind. I knew deep down the end was coming and I wanted that issue resolved. But the gifts sit in the corner of my room. Unopened. Wasted.
I know I am becoming resentful and that’s not worth my energy. That feeling doesn’t do anyone any good. I was getting mad he was making plans for his family (kids/brother) as far out as April but never once mentioned rescheduling our small vacation. I realized there wasn’t even a point in saying these things to him anymore. It was like stabbing both of us in the eye over and over and you know how good I can get at self-inflicted pain. I finally felt that if he wasn’t thinking of it why should I be?
And the only way I could stop this torment is to break it off with him.
I had made the decision over the weekend prior. He knew I was acting funny and when he kept pressing me for the reason I eventually brought up the gifts as a way to deflect my real reason.
I already knew if I told him it was our “last night” he would never agree to it. I also knew that it’s what I needed, so screw him. I made the call. We would be together as planned, have our fun night, and I would come clean the next day when we were quiet and sober and able to have a sincere discussion.
So that’s what we did. We had a great night. Went to one of our favorite restaurants and laughed and kissed the entire evening. Came home and tried the gummies and spent the next few hours frolicking in bed. We were told to take one of these Tiki Killers each and it was way to much for me and I didn’t like the experience when the full high hit. Not for me, won’t be doing that again, but glad I tried with him and home. The night had its ridiculous moments and we had lots of laughs over it the next day.
I love sleeping with Bennett. We rarely part and we just sort of fit together really well. It’s really something I will miss.
The next morning we had a lovely late breakfast and then hopped back to bed
After a session or ten, we took a break and I started to talk. I asked if he had plans to speak to his wife this month and when there was no answer, or none that was clear, I said it needed to end.
The actual words I used, which are entirely strange: “We need to call it quits, buddy.” I have no idea why I used my kids nick name, just weird.
Other than asking me if I knew all week that I wanted to break up (I told the truth) and saying he understood, we didn’t actually speak very much about it which also just seemed strange. But we covered all of this ground before so I also think there really wasn’t any more to say anyway.
When I told him I would miss him, he refused to answer me. He told me he couldn’t live without me and that he’s fully addicted to me…..he said he knows this isn’t our last time together. He said he would never be able to say goodbye to me but he understood why I needed to do what I was doing. He said the only things he was sure of in his life were his love for me and how he felt while when he was with me. He didn’t make any promises. He really said very little.
We made love once more before he left and I held on a little and cried. I breathed him in. I can only say he looked stricken and pale as he was leaving.
I felt mostly numb and little else. I napped as soon as he left for at least an hour.
I still can’t believe I did it. That I believed in myself enough to do what’s best for me even if, at this moment, losing someone I love so dearly doesn’t feel very good to me.
I tried to write with as much emotion as I can muster, but it seems my well is dry. Our time together was wonderful and I simply feel numb and empty right now. Wondering what the hell just happened to finally give me the courage I needed to stand up for myself and not to feel the desperate draw to contact him.