Owning Who I Am: Bougie

The whole gift post has had me thinking quite a bit lately.  I want to thank everyone who helped me sort through some pretty angry and tense moments there….I love the blog for this very reason.

I think, when you don’t spend time with someone and know them face to face, personality and true human depth is hard to ascertain.  Sometimes we read the first few lines of a post and the last few lines and we make a comment on something the post wasn’t really addressing because those lines caught our eye.  I’ve heard this from a few fellow bloggers.

I have written about my selfish side more than once.  I’ve struggled with it.  Debated it.  And then, I finally embraced it.  That piece of me, the piece that fights for what I want and how I want it is what drives me.  It’s locked into who I am and always has been since I can recall.

Which is why I have struggled with it all my life in many relationships.

As I grow older, I have come to realize, while many see it as petty or immature (and it may well be to those that see it that way, after all perception is subjective) it’s still a piece of me and a very integral one.  In many cases, I have learned when this voice needs to be shuttered, how to be more grateful for things I do have rather than things I don’t, how to not worry if someone does for me because I’ve learned to do for myself.

I teach my children tolerance and the value of donating their time for those less fortunate.  I donate my time, their time and money to causes of significance.  I feel good about this when I do it, but I have control over these choices and how I spend my time and money.

I make sure people I love are taken care of.  I am the person who buys their favorite treats or surprises them with their favorite meal.  I pay attention to the small things many other miss, like leaving a bottle of water next to the bed when theirs is empty, or ensuring their favorite spot on the couch is saved for them with a blanket.  I always say thank you and express my gratitude for the smallest things, even when I get a nice text or when someone helps me with a problem at work, I try to say “I appreciate you because..”

I am a single mother with 3 children who I fully support.  I have a great job that I work really hard to do well at in order to secure a decent retirement and pay for my kids college and hopefully get them started on a strong path in life.

I have been through more trauma than most humans alive and no one really notices because somehow their lives don’t fall apart because I care and ensure everything is taken care of.

I love very deeply.  And I often hurt myself because I don’t do a good job protecting my heart.

I’m attractive, intelligent and very lucky in this life.

With all that Madeline-drum-beating, I am still a selfish individual.  I like my own time without my kids, I like my new car, I like to buy jewelry and shoes that perhaps I don’t really have to have, and sometimes I look around and wonder “why can’t I have that too?”

Sometimes it’s not enough for me to have what I have and I want more.  And that drives me to get it.

Yep.  All me.

Good. Bad. Pretty. Ugly.  But still, all Madeline.

I realized, finally and truly yesterday, that the things that are important to me are really important.    I don’t really have gray areas.  I am all black and white.  Things that bother many other people I am more than willing to let slip off my back or sacrifice myself to their ideals or positions because it doesn’t matter as much to me.

Our lives are give and take.  I give a whole hell of a lot and I think the gift giving thing has become, for me, a way that those closest to me can demonstrate that they see me and all I do for them.  That they appreciate me.  A few times a year, I want to be recognized in the form of a gift that means something to the giver as well as me.  That’s a lot of expectation, right?  A gift that carried the weight of a memory?  But that’s what I want to have, sometimes.  Not every time, but sometimes.  And this was sure as hell one of those times and I simply wanted Bennett to get it.

So, the gift thing off the table, I also acknowledge that there’s a shit-ton of other things going on within the relationship with Bennett that is making it untenable.  I realize I am in a mode where I am questioning everything he does: does he text within a certain amount of time, why doesn’t he say this or that, what’s different from before, what’s missing, where is he and why, why why?  I can’t manage myself with all these crazy thoughts and it comes out in a million-and-one way as stress.

Our relationship is suffering because of the situation, but also because I am literally becoming a drag.  I can’t stand it.  I didn’t understand this at all when I went through it with Bobby but it’s clear as day to me now.    I need Bennett to talk to his wife and come clean, if this doesn’t happen, then we have to end, period.  For once in my life I am actually making a very firm decision because I can’t function in this half-life anymore.  I need to let him off the hook if that’s what he wants.  Yes, it sucks.  Yes, it hurts.  But having so much life responsibility right now puts everything in perspective.

I have to be selfish and protect my own interests.    And this is all tied to that same part of me that is selfish about getting gifts.  This strength of mind – it’s all the same thing for me.  All humans are innately selfish, most of the time I don’t buy that martyr bullshit for those that claim to be totally selfless, we all have our needs – mine is just different from yours and may come out in a different way, but I am happy to admit: I own it.

I am frivolous, truculent, petulant and petty at times.  Yep.

The thing is …. I don’t hate it about myself, even if others do.  And it’s just one of those things that I can respect your opinion, but it won’t change mine.

If I was younger, I would have cried at some of the comments, but I held my ground because I know it’s me, I know what parts are stuck in there for good.  I have embraced those and turned most of those characteristics into good ones, ones that my friends and family find to be singularly Madeline.

While I still see years of growth ahead of me, I still like my current reflection in the mirror.  Last year provided me with growth on a massive level, so no sense in slipping back now.

First thing that made me smile today was this office conversation with a designer:

“M, fabulous Chanel bracelet!”

“Thanks, I scoured a vintage store in Paris on one of my trips and was lucky to find it, it brings me such joy!”

I’m bougie, I admit.  And, I love it!

 

“Bougie” Lyrics

Jessi Malay

From Kors to Louis
I always stay bougie
From Kors to Louis
I always stay bougie
From Kors to Louis
I always stay bougie
Bougie, bougie
I always stay bougieI’m poppin’ tags
Got that new Fendi bag
Fashion week New York

Sittin’ in the front row
Where you at?

LA to London
Louboutin and Berkin
Yeah I’m always workin’ it
I’m workin’

Read more: http://www.letssingit.com/jessi-malay-lyrics-bougie-qhsq8ml#ixzz4VZMqdRul
LetsSingIt – Your favorite Music Community

 

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

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