I admit, I have never been very good at this.
When I feel I have been wronged, I tend to needle at the people I love until I get resolution – and sometimes I’m even unhappy with the resolution but at least my point was heard.
Regardless if I were to stay with Bennett or end it tomorrow, I am really irked over the Christmas gifting situation. The bottom line is I received expensive gifts I would prefer to exchange, the reasons for exchange are irrelevant at this point even if they are complex. I don’t want the gifts and they will go to waste, I prefer to get something else.
He has told me to do whatever I want with them or give them to my kids. The reason that makes me mad is that he didn’t offer to fix it at all, I wanted him to make it right. Instead, he is leaving me with something I don’t want and now have to sell in order to exchange for something else. Either way, I get left with the bad feeling and no gift from Bennett in the end and I just can’t seem to get over this.
Nor can he.
Sure, this is an example of how we would manage arguments in the future, and certainly not a good one. But before everyone goes off on the path of berating him, it’s really the only thing we’ve ever had a true problem with that we can seem to negotiate.
I know I need to drop the argument for all the right reasons but it’s eating at me. Why should I be left holding the bag?
This is a historical behavior for me. I get upset and I need to get the person to “hear” me. I think it’s important that they “understand” why I am so upset. I need them to see my point of view. I tried to do some reading about how to resolve arguments in personal relationships and most say the same thing:
- Take a step back and think about it, what is the real root of the argument?
- Create a win-win situation
- Keep in mind you seek resolution, not to win the argument
- Focus on the long-term outcome, not the short-term one
So, I tried many ways to look at this disagreement and still end up feeling that he’s mad that I am ungrateful and that’s the end of it.
This is exactly how my x treated me, exactly. So the feelings this raise in me are just horrid (and not ones Bennett should pay for, I understand). But, boy, I am just mad and that’s turning into wanting to make him pay for it through emotional stress. I know that’s the wrong route, I don’t want that route, that route doesn’t work….but how do I let go of the feeling?
My over-arching concerns are how do I just let it go with Bennett…how do you just let-go?
I am not sure I have this skill or even see a way to develop this skill.
My second concern is, how do I learn to manage these conflicts in the future?
I am so stressed this week it’s unbelievable. My stress is working its magic on me and I look horrible and can’t hold my mouth and temper. I am cranky constantly and can’t afford this behavior at a new job. Part of this is being overwhelmed at work, some of it from the kids, and lots of it from knowing I will end it sooner than not with Bennett.
I realize when I am emotionally clouded, my entire vision goes blurry. I find that my ability to think clearly at work is disrupted. My patience is lost. My mojo is gone. I don;t feel good about myself and I get angry.
I want to try and work on one thing at a time and right now I am hyperfocusing on the smaller issue of this Christmas gift because the larger issue of breaking-up is looming.
Still, I don’t know how to let-go and I wish I did.