I write here to sort my thoughts. Sometimes I get stuck in my head for so long that I can’t see a way out.
I have always had an issue with receiving gifts. I am a very hyper sensitive gifter. I pay close attention to my giftee’s desires and I’m sure to give them exactly what they will like. I’m thoughtful with my curated gifts. It doesn’t matter if the gift is big or small, I need to get it right.
I learned how important this was to me in childhood and marriage. I tried many, many times to explain to my husband that I just “want what I want” and sometimes I like things that are frivolous. I like things that are thoughtful but really something special for me. I just don’t want the thing anyone else can have.
So while my mother and x saw this in me as a selfish spoiled child, there have been others along the way that recognize if they just give me what I like, I will be the happiest girl in the world.
It’s not about the money but paying attention to me.
My girlfriends have bought me some of the most amazing gifts over the years. Really incredible. These gifts are from newer friends, people who know me as I am now and not jaded by the person I was during marriage. They see my style and embrace it. It might not even be something they prefer, but they know I will love it.
Not to make the story lengthier than necessary but my x had a horrible habit of taking what I asked for and turning it into something else. I would say “I want this, exactly this” and get something else equally as costly – it wasn’t about the cost – it was about his lack of understanding me. The worst were the technology gifts. I can buy that stuff myself. It just seems cold and thoughtless. He once gave me a rice cooker for Valentine’s Day. God knows why.
Bennett has given me small gifts and flowers along the way and they have always been perfect. Bobby knew exactly how to please me and even Finnian knew what made me smile. Oysters and Prosecco are a perfect example. They make me happy. If you order me red wine, I won’t drink it. I don’t like it. Period.
It seems pretty black and white to me.
I was excited to exchange with Bennett because I figured the gift would be something very special. Again, it’s not the cost, it’s about how it makes me feel receiving it. I thought he might write me a song, or record new ones, or reschedule our vacation. I also thought after 6 months he might give jewelry or something personal. He has been so thoughtful about me over the course of our relationship that I was sure I would love whatever he chose for me.
That didn’t happen.
I’m partly embarrassed to even say how upset I am about his gifts because he did put thought into them. But he put the type of thought you out into a gift you give to your wife of many years, not a new lover.
Bennett knows I will travel often next year and made his gifts around a travel theme. He bought my favorite perfume in a travel size, a gorgeous leather bound travel diary (which I will never use and it’s very expensive / but he knows I write and he thought I could write about my travels, it weighs 20 pounds so if you know anything about travel it’s the last thing you want to carry a heavy book) a cord holder for all the various electronic cords, a very special adapter plug, some other small travel things, an iPad Air and the clamcase keyboard to go with it. He chose these gifts because my iPad is old and I had a problem with it before travel. I had specially told him I no longer used it and probably hadn’t touched it in close to a year or more. He insisted I travel with it and I didn’t open it once. I told him so.
He is an avid tablet user and is so excited for me to have more than my phone. He was very excited in general around the thought that went into his gifts. He loves his tablet so much and we are so similar in sure he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want one too.
I was crushed.
He asked me what I wanted some time ago and I said anything with diamonds (again it can be a tiny bracelet – doesn’t have to cost a fortune) and I gave him my best friends number so he could check with her as she could help him. He later asked if I would like to choose my own gift and I said no, because I would prefer he spoke to my friend and surprised me. I said I would like jewelry when he pressed again.
I told him many times about gift giving debacles with my x and how I hated technology gifts.
I know he had given his wife an iPad for their wedding anniversary last year.
I just wonder what happened that he didn’t give me a special gift meant just for me. Anyone can be given an iPad – it’s cold and impersonal in my opinion. I think he might have even mentioned that his gift exchange with his wife was pretty thoughtless.
I hear my mother telling me I’m just being ungrateful. But why would I keep $700 worth of gifts I don’t even like? I have an issue with waste like that.
I also have an issue about lying about liking something that I don’t. I was clear I didn’t care about the iPad back in November so what sparked his imagination to think a newer one might boost my interest again is beyond me.
I feel like he wasn’t listening. Or he didn’t care.
I know he put thought into his gift. His thoughts. I just don’t feel like he paid attention to my desires and it’s very disappointing.
Meanwhile, he was on cloud 9 with my gifts because they were intensely special and well thought out.
I’m having a hard time deciding what to do so I wrote this post. I know raising anything around gift giving is potentially hurtful. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t want to lie about the gift and I’m pretty sure he’s going to ask me when I use it.
I would have been really happy with a pretty little bracelet from him. Something personal for me that would remind me of him when I wore it.
Not a piece of tech.
I thought he knew me better. And it seems I just end up disappointed.
Maybe it’s just a snapshot of the end.
Meanwhile, this poor mans mother just died and he made a point of carving out time to be with me today. He said he couldn’t bear being apart for so long and he needed to be near me. When he held me he said he hadn’t felt this good and relaxed all week. We didn’t have sex but just lie in each other’s arms for an hour to be close.
I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I do feel hurt that the first gift was impersonal. I literally feel myself withdrawing into a shell the way I felt when my x have me gifts I felt I had to be thankful for but I didn’t really want.
I can’t possibly be the only person out there that just wants what they want. Bennett could tell you everything I have ever told him by date and time, he pays strict attention to everything I say and do….so this just felt like a throwaway for me and I can’t seem to dump that feeling.