It’s come to my attention, after spending the last 6 months with Bennett, that I have more unrealized regrets that I thought I did.
There were so many things during my child rearing stage that I wanted to do as a family, things my x just wasn’t into. I tried some of them and most I gave up on completely because it was much too much difficult to argue with him and I realize (hindsight, you know) I gave up too many of my dreams. My children had a great upbringing, just not the one I dreamed of.
I suppose we all have dreams about our life playing our when we are young, and some of those dreams pass us by and we don’t think too hard on them. When you are raising three young children, you don’t really have a lot of time to have regret, you just get on with life and move forward, especially when you have a difficult partner.
So, I didn’t think about some things, I moved forward, did what I could and certainly as I grew older and more frustrated within the relationship, began to make changes. I thought I was ok with where I landed.
But, then, Bennett.
I have said before that we are like twin flames, we are such an amazing match. I wish I had met him when we were young and had an opportunity to raise a family together because we are so well aligned in our needs, wants and dreams. We would have made an amazing pair of parents.
Bennett is an amazing parent, and he has a wonderful family. What I am learning is that oftentimes when he talks about his young married life, I feel a bit of regret because I would have liked to do so many of the things he was doing. I’m trying to analyze why this is bothering me so late in life. Maybe regrets just work that way? I often struggle with my ability to raise my children in the best way possible, and when I listen to Bennett and how he parents and the reflection of his immediate and extended family, I see my dreams. “That’s what I wanted,” I say to myself. “Why didn’t I have that?”
Especially now, as he is reliving so many of those moments through his mother’s passing, he is retelling so many stories…don’t get me wrong, they are all wonderful stories and I am happy for him to share, but it’s making me feel regret.
This has happened before when we speak about parenting and I hold myself to him and feel like I don’t measure up (he never says this, this is solely me judging myself).
Does this all go back to me not thinking I’m good enough for anything or anyone? I’m not a good enough parent?
Of course, I look at Bennett’s current life and realize that he has enjoyed such a wonderful life for so long, he created the image that he wanted people to perceive. He admits that he is severely disappointed with himself for living such a lie. But I think to myself “this is going to be impossible for him to leave because this is his dream.” His dreams, my dreams, they are pretty much the same – he created his family dreams even if he couldn’t accomplish marital bliss. I am starting to understand, a little, how hard it will be for him to leave that dream behind, even if part of it is a façade.
Bennett looks at his parents’ marriage and life as the ideal, he worships his parents. He talks about their “true love” and how they were such a wonderful couple together. He admires his parents so greatly and holds himself to their mirror. He is always worried that his marriage failing would be a disappointment to his parents. He created his adult life in the image of his childhood, which is much what I wanted to do. His family is close-knit and extensive. His mother considered her daughter-in-laws her daughters, while my mother-in-law said her daughters-in-law were nothing and no one because we were not blood, and she treated us like second class citizens compared to her sons. My parents treated my x like a son. Again, another regret for me, one I had no control over, but when I hear it, it makes me sad for something I never had and always wanted.
I don’t really have any point to all of this, it’s just my thoughts through the week as Bennett prepares to bury his mother and spend a lot of time with family.
I don’t feel disconnected from him, I seem to have no issue not being a part of this. I thought it might bother me but it really doesn’t – I still think the holiday may be tougher now that I haven’t seen him.
Maybe it’s the season, maybe it’s my state of mind, I’m a bit melancholy about it all.