There are so many sayings that reflect the way seemingly random things happen in our life, and what it means:

“Remember that everything that is happening around you, good or bad, is in some way conspiring to help you”.

“When you really want something, the world conspires to make a dream come true”.

“I knew everything happened for a reason. I just wished the reason would hurry up and make itself known”.

Bennett and I have been sharing our ups and downs for the past 2 months or so, much of it centered on the “what will be” of  our relationship.

I am not sure if I believe in entirely random coincidences, but it seems that our Christmas holiday time together was not meant to be, for one reason or the other.

Bennett’s mother passed away yesterday.

She will be cremated and buried this week, on the days we would have spent time together.

I had been feeling very off all day yesterday.  I hate when my gut acts up and I can’t identify what’s wrong.  After he called to tell me, I found myself sobbing in my car.  I am not sure where the emotions came from exactly, but I am pretty sure if I learned how to harness my gut feelings into super-powers I would have ESP.  The eerily familiar gut feelings evaporated as soon as he gave me the bad news.

I cried for him.  I cried for us.  I cried for my own mother.  Such a loss can’t pass unnoticed.

I wonder how my brain works, and I think I must be a very selfish person.

I worried how his wife would comfort him.  I worried that he would accept her comfort.  I worried that he wouldn’t want or need me during his time of grief.  I didn’t sleep well last night as the anxiety must have been close to the surface.

I thought about how the holidays and the passing overlap, and how all my sadness is now rolled into a very compact time.   Is that a blessing in disguise?

Did his mothers passing happen at the right time for things to change in his life?

Does anyone else’s mind work in such a way?  I try to see everything, compute everything, analyze all the things I have utterly no control over.

The strangest thing to me, something I did not expect, was peace.  Peace for his mother who had been struggling for so many months.  Peace for his family who has had to bear the burden of care at a difficult time.  Peace for him, knowing his mother and father are together again.

Especially peace that he needed to have closure for this piece of his life.  The weight of her debilitating illness and inability to live any form of life (she was entirely bedridden) was weighing heavily on him.

The weather adds to the feelings of melancholy.  It’s rainy, cold and bleak.

Selfishly, I haven’t given thought to what this means because I know I will struggle over the next two weeks without seeing him and while he is fully immersed in a family I cannot be a part of.  I’m not sure how I should feel except to know that I wouldn’t dare burden him with any of my selfish thoughts.

I am thankful to have a job that is currently overwhelming me and plenty of holiday things to keep me busy this week, even in consideration of the additional days free.  Next week will become more of a challenge after the Christmas holiday and into the New Year.

I remind myself I made a choice to get through these holidays without emotional stress because I chose to stay with Bennett.  This shouldn’t change my resolve.

The universe is conspiring something, we just don’t know what it is yet.




Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

9 thoughts on “Loss”

      1. I knew you’d like our 60s and 70, lol. Yay for the cookie dough!👍🏼👍🏼☃️☃️🎅🏻🎅🏻 I even got sipping chocolate to drink from Trader Joe’s yesterday. Yummy hot chocolate. What kind of cookie dough do you have?

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Sometimes I think that. Sometimes I believe I am a passing thing until he can settle himself. Sometimes I don’t know. I find more apathy towards it these days which I don’t think it a good thing or a bad thing….just a reflection of an impossible situation.

      Liked by 1 person

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