The last two days with Bennett were tough as we tried to manage a time difference and serious conversation.
I went from sad to angry to numb over the course of minutes and back again. Ultimately a feeling of acceptance settled in that he needed his time and I needed mine.
Although I hadn’t written about it, but perhaps you pulled from context, I was pretty sure that our relationship would need to end by January. I didn’t see Bennett making the necessary changes in his marriage that would be required for us to continue. I knew I had moved towards acceptance.
Many times Ann has said to me “Bennett believes what he tells you” and I finally and truly understand what this means. I believe he wants me in his future. But getting there, that’s another story entirely.
I’m not going to demand anything from him. He knows how I love him. I have compromised to the point I can and I didn’t see me being able to manage past January with him. I had accepted limited time through December and made plans accordingly. I was really ok with these decisions. I want to be with him over the holidays because I love him. I wanted to enjoy the end of this year.
This year has been good to me in the strangest of ways. It started out with with grave illness and only got worse with horrible heartbreak and job loss. But then, the sun shone. I fell in love, spent an amazing summer at home with my children, purchased my family home and a new car and got the job of my dreams. In my head I figured I might as well end my year happy and in love and deal with the next phase come the new year.
My plan felt workable.
You know the rest.
My trip was amazing. Not only was I in some beautiful far away places but I performed. We walked away with more than we thought possible. Mission accomplished. It was the hardest thing I have done to date. Being “on” for 12 days with a new boss was HARD. Every minute of every day was the M show. I was literally debilitated emotionally because I was giving everything to this role. I actually forgot to text my kids two days in a row. Bennett knew this because I communicated to him and since he was dealing with his own crap, he couldn’t help me with mine. That hurt.
We agreed to meet when I returned to say goodbye properly. I do love him and I didn’t like just ending a near 6 months by text.
When we spoke before I slept on my last evening, it was part contentious and part melancholy. His mind was made up and I was going to accept it.
When he started to speak about what a “break” meant to him I was very clear that all communication between us would end. There would be no instagram, no text and no calls. We would not be “friends” and I would not share with him any information about what was going on in my personal life. Each time I made a statement he was more and more disheartened. I don’t think he actually understood what he proposed. But I have learned from prior experience and all of you, it needed to end cleanly. No hanging on.
He was shaken when we ended our conversation and I went to bed with a long haul of travel ahead of me the next day.
I woke in the middle of the night to this:
“It’s close to 2:50 your time and I’m sure you’re snuggled like a bug in your bed. I’m just sitting reflecting on the last week and how I’ve been a rotten, insensitive, immature, selfish asshole.
I’m actually trying to figure out why I behaved like I did. I clearly love you more than anything and you’re the only person who really makes me feel whole. Why did I do what I did?
Is it fear? Fear of losing you if I can’t provide what you need or general fear of a change in life. It’s probably a combo of both. I have a great fear of the unknown. Always have. What if things don’t work out? What if I fail? What if she no longer has feelings for me? These all go thru my brain and I don’t express them so it builds up like a pressure cooker.
I do believe this Xmas season has been especially difficult because it’s the first time in my life I won’t be with my brother. I didn’t really give it much thought until it hit me last week while stringing lights and putting up the tree. It is tough for me.
Regarding my career. I was in a bad way at the offsite because I developed a paranoia that I haven’t achieved the success that I had expected. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me and stayed and as a result I just felt awful, low and borderline failure.
Regarding us. I love us. I loved being around us. I’m so much different around us. Has it been stressful trying to make arrangements? Yes but I would do it in a heartbeat because I love you and I love us. I was a real douche for not writing you last week because frankly I was miserable and just couldn’t get motivated. The distance didn’t help but that’s not an excuse.
I obviously mentioned needing a break as a defense mechanism. Defense from fear, uncertainty and insecurity at a time when there are moments when I just don’t like myself. Any guy would be crazy to leave you. You are so loving and warm and thoughtful and smart and beautiful. There is no better feeling in the world than holding you in my arms. Nothing.
I’m ashamed of my behavior and I’m embarrassed on how i communicated this to you over the last day. It was thoughtless, cold and unfair and I have no idea why I would do it to someone I love so much.
Here’s what I know. I love you more than anything. I love kissing you, holding you, making love to you, sitting with you, staring at you, singing to you, listening to you, smelling you, comforting you and making sure you feel warm and protected.
You will always be my beautiful girl and I will never, ever stop loving you no matter what ever happens between us. There’s not a minute that goes by where I don’t think of you or imagine what you’re doing. I will always be concerned about your well being no matter where you are or whether we are together or apart. And I will always be there for whenever you need me.
So, I had no intention of rambling this long. I’m hoping when you awake you will realize how truly you are loved. You are special…one in a million and will always, always have my heart ❤️
I have butterflies swirling when I think of seeing you tomorrow(today). Travel safe and remember that your boy loves you very much. ⚡️❤️⚡️”
So that’s what I’m heading home to today.
What it means for me, I have no idea.
I don’t see any commitments in the letter above (which I’m glad of) and simply a statement of love and apology (which I truly appreciate).
We shall see.
If we can make it through this month, I will accept that as it was my original choice. If not, I will accept the end as well. Either way, I feel Bennett is doing the best he can.