Bennett and I didn’t do very well with communication while apart. One night he woke me in the middle of the night (which was fine, I told him he could call) and I got a gut feeling all the way through my body that something was off.
My gut is never wrong and this is the first time it weighed in like a heavyweight champion.
I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing but in the days that followed, something crept in and stayed.
I’m still traveling and too exhausted and spent to write, but we were finally able to speak tonight.
He admitted he was making me promises he felt he couldn’t keep. He couldn’t handle his life falling apart at the seams: his mother dying/not dying and the implications to his family, his job falling apart and what his life might look after that, and trying to work out a game plan to exit his marriage. All that and trying to find time and energy to be with me properly.
I told him I felt a bit angry and blindsided that right before my trip, as I was ready to make the break, he pulled me back in. But, I also think he did that out of despair. Although I said that, I wasn’t really mad, just numb.
He stood up for himself and his truth. I think he felt that finally giving me a timeline was one step too far. Maybe it is. Maybe he never leaves his marriage and this affair was every cliche in the book. I was prepared for it this time.
I do believe he Loves me but I have always known he would choose his family security.
He is trying to tell me that it’s not a “break-up” and that he’s never leaving me. But I don’t think I can do halfway. I had already decided that, should I stay with him, I needed more from him.
I believe the time apart from me allowed this to sink in for him.
I would have liked to get through the holidays with the limited time we set aside, but I guess it’s not meant to be.