A Very Honest Conversation

Bennett and I didn’t do very well with communication while apart.   One night he woke me in the middle of the night (which was fine, I told him he could call) and I got a gut feeling all the way through my body that something was off.  

My gut is never wrong and this is the first time it weighed in like a heavyweight champion.  

I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing but in the days that followed, something crept in and stayed.  

I’m still traveling and too exhausted and spent to write, but we were finally able to speak tonight.  

He admitted he was making me promises he felt he couldn’t keep.  He couldn’t handle his life falling apart at the seams: his mother dying/not dying and the implications to his family, his job falling apart and what his life might look after that, and trying to work out a game plan to exit his marriage.  All that and trying to find time and energy to be with me properly.  

I told him I felt a bit angry and blindsided that right before my trip, as I was ready to make the break, he pulled me back in.  But, I also think he did that out of despair.  Although I said that, I wasn’t really mad, just numb.  

He stood up for himself and his truth.  I think he felt that finally giving me a timeline was one step too far.  Maybe it is. Maybe he never leaves his marriage and this affair was every cliche in the book.  I was prepared for it this time. 

I do believe he Loves me but I have always known he would choose his family security.  

He is trying to tell me that it’s not a “break-up” and that he’s never leaving me.  But I don’t think I can do halfway.  I had already decided that, should I stay with him, I needed more from him.  

I believe the time apart from me allowed this to sink in for him. 

I would have liked to get through the holidays with the limited time we set aside, but I guess it’s not meant to be.  

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

19 thoughts on “A Very Honest Conversation”

  1. So sorry he disclosed this to you while you were on your trip, but I think we all knew he wasn’t leaving his family. Holidays, impending deaths, etc, etc, etc… are all just excuses. He wants a girlfriend to play with on the side. And believe me, I am supportive of you, I just don’t like to see people being used. You will get through this, and hopefully never again get with an unavailable man. I wish you safe travels home.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. It was still better it didn’t happen before the trip. I’m almost done now. Just bummed about the holidays without him entirely but glad he was honest.

      I’m not worried about getting through it strangely enough. Last year taught me how to be much more resilient. Unfortunately!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The timing may not have been great, but everything is now on the table. Let’s give B credit for that. You have a clearer view of the likely outcome. It’s for you to evaluate the situation now and make your decisions. And oh yes, carry through with them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really not upset with him for being honest. I give him credit. I believe he offered things to me he couldn’t commit to and quickly retracted. I’m as mad at myself as I am at him for making wasted promises. Timing sucks. Not much more than that – I do love him but won’t stay forever while he makes his life choices.

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  3. At least he finally felt man enough to be honest. He recognized he needed to let you decide if you wanted to stay and be a very limited bit of his messed-up life. This has given you clarity and strength, and, I hope peace of mind. There are wonderful men out there for you!

    Liked by 2 people

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