By the time you read this I will be 30k feet in the air and several continents away. Nothing makes me happier than air travel. It never fails to excite me. No matter how busy, overcrowded or crappy some of the countries and airports I frequent are….I fall in love with air travel every single time.
Last week with Bennett was a struggle at best. Ups and downs. Stop and starts. Nothing was quite right and everything felt wrong. I took Marty’s advice and reached out to him because I was uncomfortable with the dissonance.
I sent a text and asked to speak. He called soon after but the conversation didn’t go so well. I started crying, he sort of shut down and was polarized, and then he suddenly said “I have to go.” (To clarify, for a family event). Stating that to me in the middle of tears released a torrent of text to follow. It’s a perfect example that the situation is unworkable when I “need attention” and so does his family at the same time. I’m always going to lose. I was clear that it had to end, I could no longer compromise further than what I had already offered.
His reply came back quickly:
“M. I love you. I can’t lose you. Whatever it takes. I will figure out how to spend more time with you.”
To say the least, I was surprised. His tone on the call was entirely different. Perhaps I wasn’t straightforward on the call, maybe I was more sad and he wasn’t interpreting it as me ending it (yes, I’ve been accused of being ambiguous many times, I get it). The text was clear though: it had to end if he couldn’t give me what I needed.
I suppose that’s what he responded to.
My answer came to him much later: I wasn’t in a good spot and we could try again the next day.
He said he would do whatever it took to convince me. We spoke the next morning and he made a quick decision to find the time that day to come over.
How could I refuse when I just complained about that very thing?
I admit, I had no resolve the moment I saw him. I love this man. I wish it would work. And here he is begging me to stay just a little longer. Just being near him gives me immense peace. His arms around me, holding me tight.
I fully caved.
He gets til January and I’m going to stop moaning over it.
How did I get to this decision? In a rare moment of self-affirmation I had reached out to my therapist by t xt the night before. The long and short of her reply was: if it feels right, 6 weeks won’t matter. Do what feels right.
So I chose to stay with him instead of being heartbroken.
Yes, I made the easy choice.
Maybe I made the wrong choice.
But what I learned this week is that I will be able to break from him come January. I am not fearful of being without him. I am sure I can do it.
I chose not to do it over the holidays.
For better or worse, I chose not to be heartbroken over the holidays.
With the decision to stay with Bennett I promptly made New Years plans with my youngest son. I don’t have the kids this year, but he asked me to go to a neighborhood party and I agreed. Done. One of the key nights I would have been alone is now taken care of.
Bennett and I also chose to take a short communication break while I travel. If I come back and if anything should have changed with him and he can’t offer the time he promised, then it will end after the trip. He doesn’t expect that will happen, he’s got it set in his head.
I won’t say we stopped talking, just taking a breather.
Once we laid it out on the table, I felt a flood of happiness. None of this misery and heartache I was beginning to feel. I chose to keep this warm and fuzzy feeling through the New Year. I made plans with my child and I’m happy about it.
I refuse to get upset with him for choosing his family for the holidays.
I have chosen to accept it.
Delay the heartbreak. Delay the inevitable. Maybe. Sure. Doesn’t matter. My choice is made. And Bennett it is.
Through January 15.
Maybe I should put a countdown on the blog?
The weird thing is, I’m not pinning my hopes on life with Bennett as much as I don’t want to be unhappy right now. If things work with him I will be estatic, but I haven’t entirely fooled myself the outcome I want is guaranteed.
I am happy with life right now and I’m simply choosing to stay on the high for the rest of the year.
My resolve feels right to me, even if Bennett isn’t “the one” (though I do believe he could be). My gut, heart and head are all in alignment. I prioritized my needs and thisnall feel right, right now.