Resolve

By the time you read this I will be 30k feet in the air and several continents away.  Nothing makes me happier than air travel. It never fails to excite me. No matter how busy, overcrowded or crappy some of the countries and airports I frequent are….I fall in love with air travel every single time. 

Last week with Bennett was a struggle at best. Ups and downs. Stop and starts.  Nothing was quite right and everything felt wrong.  I took Marty’s advice and reached out to him because  I was uncomfortable with the dissonance.  

I sent a text and asked to speak. He called soon after but  the conversation didn’t go so well.  I started crying, he sort of shut down and was polarized, and then he suddenly said “I have to go.” (To clarify, for a family event). Stating that to me in the middle of tears released a torrent of text to follow.  It’s a perfect example that the situation is unworkable when I “need attention” and so does his family at the same time. I’m always going to lose.  I was clear that it had to end, I could no longer compromise further than what I had already offered. 

His reply came back quickly:

“M. I love you. I can’t lose you. Whatever it takes. I will figure out how to spend more time with you.”

To say the least, I was surprised.  His tone on the call was entirely different. Perhaps I wasn’t straightforward on the call, maybe I was more sad and he wasn’t interpreting it as me ending it (yes, I’ve been accused of being ambiguous many times, I get it).  The text was clear though: it had to end if he couldn’t give me what I needed.  

I suppose that’s what he responded to. 

My answer came to him much later: I wasn’t in a good spot and we could try again the  next day.  

He said he would do whatever it took to convince me.  We spoke the next morning  and he made a quick decision to find the time that day to come over. 

How could I refuse when I just complained about that very thing?

I admit, I had no resolve the moment I saw him.  I love this man. I wish it would work. And here he is begging me to stay just a little longer.  Just being near him gives me immense peace.  His arms around me, holding me tight.  

I fully caved. 

He gets til January and I’m going to stop moaning over it. 

How did I get to this decision?  In a rare moment of self-affirmation I had reached out to my therapist by t xt the night before. The long and short of her reply was: if it feels right, 6 weeks won’t matter. Do what feels right.  

So I chose to stay with him instead of being heartbroken. 

Yes, I made the easy choice. 

Maybe I made the wrong choice. 

But what I learned this week is that I will be able to break from him come January.  I am not fearful of being without him. I am sure I can do it. 

I chose not to do it over the holidays. 

For better or worse, I chose not to be heartbroken over the holidays.  

With the decision to stay with Bennett I promptly made New Years plans with my youngest son.  I don’t have the kids this year, but he asked me to go to a neighborhood party and I agreed.  Done.  One of the key nights I would have been alone is now taken care of. 

Bennett and I also chose to take a short communication break while I travel. If I come back and if anything should have changed with him and he can’t offer the time he promised, then it will end after the trip. He doesn’t expect that will happen, he’s got it set in his head. 

I won’t say we stopped talking, just taking a breather.  

Once we laid it out on the table, I felt a flood of happiness.  None of this misery and heartache I was beginning to feel.  I chose to keep this warm and fuzzy feeling through the New Year. I made plans with my child and I’m happy about it. 

I refuse to get upset with him for choosing his family for the holidays. 

I have chosen to accept it. 

Delay the heartbreak. Delay the inevitable. Maybe. Sure. Doesn’t matter. My choice is made. And Bennett it is. 

Through January 15. 

Maybe I should put a countdown on the blog?

The weird thing is, I’m not pinning my hopes on life with Bennett as much as I don’t want to be unhappy right now. If things work with him I will be estatic, but I haven’t  entirely fooled myself the outcome I want is guaranteed. 

I am happy with life right now and I’m simply choosing to stay on the high for the rest of the year.  

My resolve feels right to me, even if Bennett isn’t “the one” (though I do believe he could be).  My gut, heart and head are all in alignment. I prioritized my needs and thisnall feel right, right now.  

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

21 thoughts on “Resolve”

  1. Wow. It seems like a whole range of emotions was covered here. So after all that, he still gets til January, which is what he negotiated with you originally. I can totally understand his position of not wanting a tsunami to blow through his family during the holidays – no one wants that. Once upon a time I told my ex I wanted a divorce, just two weeks before Christmas (he drove me to it), but ultimately I didn’t push the issue and no one else knew about it until January. I knew I had to get through that season mostly unscathed, if I could. My question is, what happens in January? Does he move out? Will he suddenly be out in the open with you, or will he feel he can’t come out with you “right away”? (As in, will there still be a bit of sneaking around, so that he can’t be accused of having an affair?) I just want you to be clear on your January expectations. And – good move on New Year’s! Best to get out and be busy and good on you for recognizing that now. For now, enjoy your travels!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t have clear expectation for January so that’s a very good point and ASV has said much of the same to me.

      He must speak to his wife and start to articulate a plan to leave his marriage. If that doesn’t happen I am truly resolved to leave this relationship.

      I don’t know when we can “come out” and he is cautious as he wants me to be able to meet his children amicably.

      I believe he will have his conversation but beyond that I don’t think things will happen quickly on his end so I do really need to think about it. He has the best of both worlds right now.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I cried because I was sad to be saying goodbye, not because I was asking for more. I will still cry if it doesn’t work out and I don’t see not crying as having strength. I also did not beg. I got mad and walked away. I suppose anyone can construe what happened with your interpretation as well, but I don’t see it that way.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I did not mean crying meant you were week. It’s ok that you don’t see it as I do. Many times we are too close to see what’s really going on. As I’ve said all along I for one, don’t want to see you hurting again over a man who is unavailable. But that’s your “cross” to bear as the saying goes. We all have to go through life feeling our own bumps and bruises until we learn.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m willing to give it til January. Honestly just so I can focus on other things that are more important to me. I do think and worry now about the reality of the situation being feasible…but I will”cross” that bridge in January. 😬.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you made the right decision(s). And being fully aware of where his priorities are is important. It should help steel your resolve.

    Concentrate on business this next while. Then make sure you bring out the resolve on your return.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Concentrate on being the happiest that you can in the moment. I am so glad that you are excited about this trip, and that you are excited about the holidays with your kids. I agree with Marty – its not like you caved. Rather, you understand that you can’t push a Family Man or Family Woman to make these kinds of decisions during the Holidays, even if its the right thing to do in the long run. A few weeks is nothing, especially when your life is as full and rich as yours is. After everyones’ kids go back to school will be the defining moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree with it not ending until January. I can’t imagine my dad telling my mom he wanted to divorce during the t
    Holidays. It would always tarnish them for me. Besides you get the new year together, the whole year to make next year’s holidays great if he leaves and if he doesn’t well now you KNOW exactly what you want.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was ultimately why he couldn’t do it. And if it was me I wouldn’t have done it then either.

      The truth of it is – if my decision is right or wrong long term – it feels better right now. I really just want to enjoy the rest of this year.

      Thanks for your support ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s